i struggle with my husband cheating on me with the yoga teacher, the false r...and then the discovery of another ow...15 years older than us...who was a therapist...yes a therapist...not his....but a child therapist. you know, i actually shed a tear about this every day. it is the first thing i think about when i get up...and the last thing i think about when i go to sleep. i am haunted by the reality...my new world. i believe my husband and i are attempting a real r...it has been 7 months of him "doing all he can." you know the deal.
but, what i have realized is that no matter what he does...and i mean no matter what....i still hurt everyday. when he does something to show me he is remorseful....i am happy for a little while, but sooner or later on during the day, i will think about all he did. something will pop in my mind like...the dirty text i read between them....or how he gaslighted me for so long...or how put the blame on me when the whole time he was still cheating.
and it doesnt go away. i am in ic....i do the breathing exercises....we are in mc...i come to si for support....i try to stay busy...all of it...but nothing helps really...not for long.
what i have come to accept...and it came to me earlier this week....is that it will take time.....a long time. and that is the only thing that will ease the ache. and it is true. i am not on the floor crying all the time, unable to get out of bed...and all of that....i am past that....so i know i am healing....slowly.
there simply is no quick fix, no matter how much i wish there were. i am going through the process...and it is and will continue to be a long and painful one. i dont know anyone...and i mean anyone...who "got over this quick" and moved on to be happy. the "happy" ones have the scars from doing the real, painful work over a long period of time as they attempted to r. and they have all told me "no shortcuts." r sucks.
the only thing that keeps me on this path of healing is by my husband not fucking up again, and doing what he needs to do...and we all know what that means...and so does he.
for so long, i have been in shock, and fighting the fact that this has actually happend to me...this is my life. omg. but, now i am starting to really see, that it is what it is....and there is nothing i can do about it.
so, after dday1, a false r for 9 months, the discovery of ow2, a separation...and now perhaps an attempt at real r for the last 7 months...."i get it."
i hope i am a lot further along a year from now.