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Sticky situations...and I think I may be in False R again...

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Tired05 posted 6/21/2013 17:28 PM

This is going to be long, I'm sorry, but I would really like some advice. I hope my condensed down version isn't confusing, I know these things are never easy to explain because there are so many layers and details.

Okay, before DDay, my H created another Facebook account to talk to this woman he was pursuing. Things continued and they ended up dating, getting engaged, and getting pregnant all before DDay (on which I was 25wks preggo myself). We are in R, and the past 3 weeks he will tell me constantly "I am willing to do anything that you feel will save the marriage" and has listened to my feelings and venting and answered any Qs I asked about EA/As (he got extremely graffic with detailswhen I assured him that I wanted him to be graffic, so I'm pretty sure at least what he told me was true, he could have lied by ommission, but I don't think much could be worse than what he told me anyways enough to keep lying).

But I have a hard time figuring out exactly where I should draw my lines for boundaries since she is due in August. She has some new guy buying everything and is excited to be the Dad and, last she said, didn't even want to talk to my H. She would just send child support papers. In fact, he even had to ask her what the gender was and when he did (I read it) she said she found out 2 weeks ago. This proves that she isn't going to make this easy on him and he has to contact her to find out about the kid. She has blocked mine and his regular FBs, however, has not blocked his 'affair' FB. At first I told him he could leave that open, but he must give me the password, tell me immediately when she contacts him and before he contacts her, and delete all pictures of them together (he had some of them kissing, one as his profile pic). Now I feel like I am selling myself short by him keeping that FB. I don't want her (more importantly him) to think that we aren't a united front or that he can have any kind of relationship with her without me in it. But at the same time, a small part of me doesn't want to give her or him the satisfaction of letting them communicate through his 'real' FB, however , I would prefer this over allowing the illusion of secrecy and a special private relationship to exist. I want to tell him to delete the Affair FB. But if I do, I don't think she will be willing to make anything easy on him by unblocking his or my regular FB as a communication line. She seems to not care, which is good, but how can I not feel like I am letting myself be walked all over by allowing communication that continues with the illusion that it is behind my back even if I have access to the account? How can I possibly make my self feel good without making myself an obsticle that keeps him away from the kid if he decides that is what he wants (he is still undecided) I already told him that if he talks to her behind my back in anyway, even if all he says is 'hello' and she doesn't even respond, then I AM DONE.

Another thing that has started to really eat at me that I let slip by is a body pillow of hers that she gave him before she left Korea, and he promised to return it. (I need to write my story in my profile but here is a short backstory- They were both in the Army and stationed in S. Korea. She got kicked out for mental health issues 3 weeks after DDay (wasn't related to the affair) and is back in the States. My H is still in Korea living in his Barracks room.) At first, I told him to not sleep with the pillow. Put it in his closet, I don't care as long as he doesn't sleep with it. It became a big deal. During false R, behind my back he messaged her saying he still sleeps with the pillow and it still smelt like her and he was glad to have a small piece of her still. When I found out about this, I again reinforced the 'don't sleep with the damn thing and hurry up and send it to her'. Then a month and a half ago, I am skyping with him and notice that he has two different color comforters on his bed. I don't think anything of it, but I mention that it was funny and he replied 'it's cold, so I sleep with two'. About a week or so after that, I wake up in the middle of the night with the epiphany of where he got that blanket from. I confront him and he confesses that she left it for him when she left Korea and he used it because he had it and it was cold. I told him that to me, he might as well have kept the used condoms (if he had been smart enough to use them) that they fucked with in his dresser drawer for how it made me feel for him to still be sleeping with a blanket that they had sex, slept, and 'dreamed of getting married on'. He replied 'It's just a blanket! I was cold! But I will throw it away if it makes you feel better.' It made me feel better that he threw it away right away, but I continued arguing with him about not trying to understand how I might react to this blanket in the first place and not realizing on his own how triffling and disgusting it was to do this. Welp, a week ago I Skyped him again and see the same blanket on his bed.... I just looked at him and said 'I thought your comforter set was brown...You told me you threw HERS away...' and when he realized I saw it, he tried to lie and say that he didn't say that he was going to throw it away in the dumpster. He never told me he'd do that and that he just put it in the closet with the pillow. I said I can copy and paste you telling me you threw it away if you'd like? He was silent and I said I had to go, and got off of skype. I ended up sending him a long message saying I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings and all he does is lie. He threw out the remorseful card and said he is a fuck up and apologized and so on. A few hours later he sent me a picture of the blanket in the dumpster. I then casually asked about the pillow and he said and I quote "The pillow is still in my closet. She wants it back and i dont know if im gonna or not. So it sits there until i decide." The thing is, she hasn't asked him for the pillow in at least 3 months and everyone on the planet but him knows good and well that she does not want that pillow back. I feel like with him still trying to keep his promise of returning the pillow, he is putting his promise to her over my feeling of the pillow and what it represents to me. He is protecting her and not me.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 11:05 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 6/21/2013 17:54 PM

IMO, he's nowhere near remorseful. He's more "sorry I got caught" then remorseful. He's putting his own feelings and emotions above you about everything. Honestly, if it were my H and an OC was involved, I would put my foot down and tell him that there won't be any contact. Some here disagree and say the child didn't do anything, and while that's true, I think the OW also made her bed (with an otherwise unavailable man) and now has to lie in it as well. He would send child support, but that would be it. And it seems as though the OW in your case is expecting just as much, so maybe she should be obliged? It's not just up to your WH, it's your life too!

I don't know the rules for every state, but some states give the lions share of child support to whomever files first. If I were you, I would file legal separation papers and file for child support immediately to protect yourself and your child. Whether you two stay together or not, this is something that will protect you when the OW files for child support as well.

Your WH is still lying, still telling you he'll do one thing and that he's DONE that same thing, and then doing whatever the hell he wants. He's nowhere near working on R. And, since he's been cheating on you for all but the first year of your relationship, I would say this boy has got some SERIOUS proving to do before it would be wise to commit to R with him. He got engaged while you were pregnant with his first child, really? It takes a special kind of blankety blank to do that. He put your child's life at risk so he could get his rocks off... that would tick me off to no end. (I hope you have gotten STD tested since you found out, even if you had some during pregnancy you still need to get another)

I guess what I'm saying is, do the 180, and let him EARN you back. You deserve FAR better than this guy is giving!

Tired05 posted 6/21/2013 18:02 PM

Yes, I had the gyno test me at the very end of my pregnancy. They did a full blood scan for me and baby. I was clean. He tells me that he is truly in this marriage, but how do I make him see he isn't? Or is it worth it to try? He is still in Korea so I can't SEE that he is in with his actions. I am so tired of all of this... I feel like I will never escape this hell.

BTW, does anyone happen to know which states the 'first come, first serve' thing applies to?

[This message edited by Tired05 at 12:44 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Knowing posted 6/21/2013 21:20 PM

I wish I knew the answers to your questions regarding S and child support. I definitely think you should file for S an CS Monday first thing. If not for you, for the interests of your child. You can always rescind S if you decide to R later.

If you decide to R that FB account has to go. Telephone or email would be the only to arrange visitation or communication of information concerning the OC, nothing else is acceptable. For the sake of R and your M, all communication should go through you or you're at least privy to it and have full access to it. You should be included in all decisions, big & small, because everything your WS decides and does affects you and your family.

There is an "I can relate" thread for OC situations that you should definitely check out.

Want2help posted 6/22/2013 00:39 AM

He needs to not have ANY contact with her until the OC is born, and a dna test done. NONE.

He also needs to throw any mementos in the trash. Not "send them back".

As far as child support, there is an OC board just for these kind of questions, down in the I Can Relate forum.

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