Somehting I have learned thru IC about tackling the FOO issues. It's not blaming our pasts/upbringings, it's looking back at one's life and noticing the patterns of our learned coping skills. Learning how we felt then and how we dealt with our issues back then. Now we can see our pattern of bad choices (bad coping skills) and learn from them.
It's so worth looking back for a little while just to understand you, your learned coping skills. I came from a family of 8 kids, so the parents not showing encouragement is an understatement. How about showing more attention to us. My Dad made me feel unacceptable in ways.It sucked being just a number sometimes. My siblings and I all learned different coping skills, some good some not so good.
I wrote this in my journal recently:
Going Forward - It's about using what I have learned about myself (thru IC) And How I choose to act and react to current and future situations.
It's not easy sometimes, but it's was very helpful for me to look back over my life thus far and see how I acted and how my coping skills since childhood did have patterns.
I now know how important communication is with one's spouse. I have always been confilct avoidant and introverted myself. So I always kept in my real feelings and went along with whatever BH wanted. But I built up that wall between me and my BH. Now that I know my weaknesses I can rebuild, Going forward, being genuine, speaking up for maybe different sides of an issue, No more holding in real feelings. And Bh says he has faults too to work on. Don't we all? Everyone has the "phychological air" that they grew up with. The way we learn how to act, how to show and deal with emotionsand feelings.
A very good book that has really helped me is
"When anger scares you"
How to Overcome
Your Fear of Conflict
& Express Your Anger
in Healthy Ways
By: John R. Lynch
I still have a couple chapters to go but it is good. It was also very hard to read at time because it would bring up old hurts. But it has been very educational for me.
Good Luck to you and give the IC a chance.I think it's good to start with FOO to learn what Your different patterns are.
Sorry this was so long