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How many false Rs?

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Spelljean posted 6/21/2013 18:41 PM

I have officially been part of 3 now with WH.

We are S, I started the process of D.

There will not be a 4th false R, that's for sure.

sodamnlost posted 6/21/2013 18:49 PM


That sucks. I am so sorry :-(

Spelljean posted 6/21/2013 18:58 PM

thank you, soda. I hope you are doing well. I can't understand how someone can promise you the world that many times, say how much they screwed up and come on hands and knees begging forgiveness (for the 3rd time in 6 months)...only to go MIA yet again both emotionally and physically.

What's worse is I don't know how I trusted him after just one false R.

I held out hope I guess, knowing this man for 20 years. Big chunk of my life. I wanted to believe we could really make it to our golden years together.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 9:38 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

Lost&Hurt posted 6/22/2013 06:12 AM

I recently found out that my WH has NEVER really been out of touch with OW.

He confessed to me in February 2008 and...through the years, we've "started over" several times.

Truth is, he's never stopped seeing or talking to her....and now, I'm faced with a "this time is different" situation.

I've asked him to leave and he won't. He is still trying to make up for what he's been doing...

I know what the conventional thinking is...leave his ass...but its complicated, not to mention financially ruinous....I have no intention of starting over at 62.

Not sure what I'm going to do.

Spelljean posted 6/22/2013 07:37 AM

I know, starting over yet again is exhausting. My second divorce. Don't feel the drive to ever start up with someone new some day. Maybe in time I will feel differently.

You are still with him under the same roof so that has to be so frustrating. And when finances come in to play its almost paralyzing.

Ashland13 posted 6/22/2013 10:35 AM

One here and that was enough. It was what also pushed me to divorce, because he knew how much I wanted to remain married and he knew my core values and he mocked them totally.

Yes, he also never let OW go while he faked R with me. Even as far as going to renew our vows. For me it was as equal to sharing his body with other women while he was married to me.

DeadMumWalking posted 6/22/2013 11:15 AM


I haven't exactly had any false R's because I haven't really ever considered myself in R (except for right after DDay when I thought I could 'nice' him back). I've pretty much felt in limbo while 'watching' him to see if he would ever step up to the plate.

I did have a sort of 'mini' 2nd DDay, when I found out that WH had written a promotion letter for OW ( ) that said they were still working together on a project. Supporting that statement was a preprint I found dated the week before Christmas. However, it turned out that OW had put WH name on the preprint without his knowledge or permission (a whole other long story), and that he lied on the promotion letter.

BUT: he LIED straight to my face when I directly asked him if he had written a letter about her. I confronted him right away over that and told him that we could never be together if he was going to lie to me when it felt convenient for him.

We have been S since a little before Christmas, but have taken a few tentative steps in the R direction. I think we will make a more definitive decision about whether to stay S in the next few weeks.

I do not think I would be able to stand a false R. The lies, TT, etc is all bad enough. To be invested in R on top of that only to find out it has been false? Renewed devastation.

It is so hard to accept that our hopes have been smashed to smithereens, but sadly that is what we must do.

It is good that you have drawn your line, and that you have decided that you are worth more than what your WH can give. Sending you strength for your next steps.


Ostrich80 posted 6/22/2013 11:40 AM

Lostandhurt....exactly what I was going to say. There never was a R because he never stopped. DD was almost 4yrs ago. Took me 3yrs to finally get evidence of what I already knew. He made promises in DD but never went bc. There were a handful of times since that I told him I felt he wasn't in it to win it, just buying time. Each of those times we were going tomake a new start. To this day, he still has contact with ow. I'm done confronting, trying, wishing. Now its just about trying to figure out how to make it on my own. There never seems to be a good time to finalize a split. Always some new thing with the kids that would cause disruption in their lives.
5min ago we got into the first heated argument we've had in a long time. Why??? Because I always have a pissed off look on my face....asshole, wonder why

ButterflyGirl posted 6/22/2013 11:45 AM

I'm with Ashland. I had had one, and one was enough for me. That he could do that to me again after KNOWING the pain he was putting me through, I was DONE.

jimbo25319 posted 6/22/2013 21:16 PM

Lived through one false R. One too many.

There will not be a second.

tushnurse posted 6/22/2013 21:29 PM


We did R and it got off to a rough start. Me wanting to R him saying he wanted to but repeatedly breaking NC. He still lying frequently. Only when I threw him out ( ok so he didn't actually make it out the door). Did he actually get it.

Kudos to you. Life is too damn short to spend it trying to R with someone who doesn't get it and worse lies about getting it. I know now that should it ever happen again I am done. He is gone. I don't need him for money for the kids or for happiness. If he fucks up again, he is done. We are together because we make each other happy. That's it. If that happiness is gone there is no point in staying.

Sending you many hugs and strength.

Spelljean posted 6/27/2013 17:26 PM

Thanks everyone. This was moved to General from Reconciliation and I lost track of my posting!

Sue1964 posted 6/27/2013 17:33 PM

Embarressed to say I did 20 but I have learnt just took a long time.
If I had time again one chance and one chance only.

Chandler posted 6/27/2013 23:30 PM

I have been through one trying to get past the current OW and see if we can move on. I am so broken. This is his absolute last chance. If this R is false I am taking our son and leaving without a second thought.

sri624 posted 6/30/2013 23:34 PM

after dday1....i was devastated. sad thing is that i was pathetic...had no boundaries..and he pretty much treated me like his own personal doormat. i even let him get away with telling me..."i am not giving you access to my phone...that is a deal breaker for me!" so, i didnt push...for fear that he would leave me. 9 months later, i discovered a dirty text by another woman...i had been in false r the whole time.

but now that i read these posts....i dont think i was ever in r....i mean, after dday1...he came back...and just continued cheating...he never stopped.

fast forward to today...i think we are attempting a true r...truth is that i guess we just never really we as a BS?

i guess the difference now, is that i am so much more stronger, have my boundaries firmly in place, and full transparency. but i guess what is most important is that i know that if he were to pull this crap on me again, he will be out the door..and i will be divorcing his ass without hesitation. i am not the same stupid fool i was dday1. and he knows it.

i deserve better than this crap...and just like i told him the other night...."i am not going follow you around, or check up on you...if this happens again, you are gone...and we can let the judge figure out everything. and you better believe i will find someone else who will love and honor me and take care of me and my baby. thank goodness he is only 2...we will be just fine without you here in this house."

Jrazz posted 6/30/2013 23:43 PM

I'm so sorry, Spelljean. The peeps in S/D are awesome and you will find much company and advice there as well as the other forums.


Gr8Lady posted 7/1/2013 00:49 AM

Holding up my hand....unfortunately I have been through several.
I have been working on myself primarily with boundaries. Feeling better, stronger, and more in control. I truly believe R can be successful if both parties are completely serious about R. The false R occurs when one partner isn' t. Truly in it to win it.
Can't be half way about it. The real deal or nothing.
Yes starting over sounds overwhelming, but it can have the potential for true happiness. Why live a half way life and settle?

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