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Sweetness8 posted 6/21/2013 18:59 PM

Hello fellow peeps,

My husband and I are in the midst of divorce, negotiating custody right now. My lawyer told me that I probably won't get any part of the house because it is in his name only and was his property before we married. I don't need this house, but I'm not sure where to go. I may have to stay here with the kids and live around a man, who appears to have gone out on a date this evening. I really want to get out and start a fresh life with my kids, but I feel so stuck. Does anyone have experience with this type of situation. It's really been hard for obvious reasons. He filed in the middle of May 2013, and we are still just working on custody. No idea about property division, child support, etc.
Thanks for reading, and I've learned SO much from reading the many and varied posts here.

tesla posted 6/21/2013 20:32 PM

Your L should have given you an idea about how the property division would fall should it go to trial. I'd ask your L for worst case scenario and figure out what you would like to negotiate for. Always shoot higher than where you will settle. Once you have an idea, you can figure out a workable living arrangement for yourself and the kiddos.

Ashland13 posted 6/22/2013 14:24 PM

Tesla's right. I'm going through this right now, but luckily, my name is on the deed and mortgage so "our" house is thought of as marital property.

I'm sad for your situation, Sweetness, it's not easy. Perv returned briefly for ten days and it was intolerable living with him after Dday. I never knew if the next thing I did or said would send him packing, for it felt like every time I spoke, he was getting his toothbrush and backpack. It was really awful. Then after one night time sneak out, DD and I didn't know if he would be here in the morning when we woke up.

I'm glad you don't need the house and what I'm learning and have been advised is that anything I can let go of will help the horrible process go by faster.

Child support (CS on here) is frequently given to the parent with physical custody-in our state-and is based on a percent of salary.

The custody part was hard for me to understand but I finally get it better. There are different kinds and L described some of it -"joint"-as sharing information and Perv getting to have a say in some of DD's upbringing.

"Physical custody" was more important for me, for that's where or with whom a child would actually live.

It's really up to you to stay or go and if you know you won't have a chance at the house, in some ways I think, rip that band aid off! I've had to do that with some other aspects and it emotionally ruined me to do, but I'm on the other side of some things now because of it.

Maybe making a list of ideas about living where you do and what a new place would bring? Maybe actually going to see some alternatives and letting yourself think about having different walls there when you wake up in the morning...opening these thought channels sometimes has helped me be less scared and able to take back a tiny bit of control that got taken away.

Sorry for my long post, for I live that very thing.

Sweetness8 posted 6/23/2013 19:56 PM

Aw, I want to cry...you ladies are so sweet! Thank you, Ashland, for all that you wrote. My kids and I, really I, need to get out of here; it just gets more tense every week. Ex and I are not even speaking much, just avoiding each other, but bestowing big love on both kids, seperately. He spent the last two evenings somewhere else, don't even care where. If I would engage in the same overnight behavior, I would be viewed as a bad parent.
Thanks for all the lovely writing ideas. Im seeing a great therapist and I love my lawyer lady.