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eyesrnowopen posted 6/21/2013 20:23 PM

I came home from a conference today and the following article was on my nightstand. My WH was staying at the house with our kids.
The article is from I think a reputable site where this couple run seminars and the BW has written a book. But this article made me mad. The article is titled that the infidelity was not about the sex but about the WH wanting someone to talk to. My WH leaves this for me to read right after I set a boundary that I need all the details from all his betrayals before we continue further with MC. Unlike the WH in this article my WH had two OW at work and one he picked up in a bar. He invited the one OW half his age to our house when I was out of town took all three OW to conferences out of town. One Ow he admits to bringing back to his hotel room only to have her leave. He also has significant financial betrayals. Despite this he continues to refuse to provide me details and insists these were only PAs not EAs. With his history of lying and all evidence pointing otherwise, I think he had sex.

The most offensive part of him leaving me this article is that he insists he was so lonely and could not communicate with me because I was always angry with him. He keeps bringing up in MC that I need to look at my behavior and not always blame him. Also unlike the M in the article our sex life was nonexistent . Maybe if he had sex with me once in awhile I would not have been so angry.

I feel he left me this article to drive home that I am partly responsible for his A and he did not have sex with all these OW. Please weigh in and tell me if I should see it this way. WS responses are also welcomed. See article link below.

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/marital_infidelity.htm

looking forward posted 6/21/2013 20:37 PM

Your H is blame shifting.
He needs to accept responsibility for his choices and actions.
He is the one lacking communication skills.

[This message edited by looking forward at 8:39 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

sisoon posted 6/22/2013 13:11 PM

It's really important for you to have and recognize your feelings - then you can decide what to do with them. There is, however, no 'should' about feelings - I can see feeling glad, mad, sad, and/or scared upon receiving the article, depending on where I was when I received it.

I will say that I think my response would be one of the following:

1) Get angry, realize I could use the article for my own benefit, and go to him to say, 'I'm so glad you want to talk - I'm delighted to listen to you come clean about your betraying me,' and start a 180/call a lawyer if he doesn't come clean.

or

2) get angry, realize this guy has not gotten it, and start a 180. I'd add calling a lawyer to my to-dos for the next day.

But what's going on in MC? If the MC isn't addressing the A before dealing with other issues, you're R is likely to very rough going.

eyesrnowopen posted 6/22/2013 21:38 PM

Thank you for your replies. We had 3 MC sessions where he answered some questions. The MC suggested I write them down, which I did and gave them to him at the second session. He had not answered them yet at third. I told him to call me when he answers them and we can schedule the 4th. That was a week ago. I have had NC since.

HardenMyHeart posted 6/23/2013 12:52 PM

I have a couple of thoughts on this...

1. You are never responsible for your spouses choice to have an affair. Even if the BS is a terrible spouse, there are more constructive choices a WS could make then having an affair. IMO, having an affair is never a viable solution to whatever issues the WS may have.

2. I do believe it is common for a WS to justify an affair because they feel their emotional needs are not being met. That doesn't make it right, and it may be only their perception, but nevertheless, the WS believes an affair will make them happy and mitigate their emotional suffering.

3. I believe it is very important during R to work on healing and pre-affair marital issues. However, these two issues should be separated and not combined during affair discussions. It is common for a WS to minimize the BS's healing and instead focus on the pre-affair issues. This allows the WS to manipulate the conversations into their favor. It is also common for a BS to be very angry (which is understandable) and try to trump every issue with the betrayal, lies, and pain they had to endure. Unfortunately what often happens during R, the marriage can turn into a power struggle of who is to blame, and who should change and what should change? When there is so much anger on both sides, things generally do not turn out well. As time goes on, the anger continues to spiral out of control, and the marriage is ultimately compromised beyond repair.

4. Your WH is trying to communicate his emotional needs that were going unmet during the marriage. I want to stress, just because he feels it, it doesn't mean it's true. My guess is that he is unskilled in communicating with you and does not feel safe bringing these issues directly to you to discuss. On the other hand, he is not giving you enough time to deal with the healing process and come to terms with the emotional suffering you are going through. Many WS's just cannot comprehend the pain and damage they have caused, so they blunder along looking and acting insensitive to the BS. I believe they do this more out of ignorance, then it is on purpose.

5. For now, try to focus on your healing. To do this requires a better understanding on the psychology of affairs. Once you begin to understand why the affair happens, you will have better insight into your feelings and what is going on (or not going on) inside your WH's head. The best book to start for this is, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Reconciliation takes a lot of patience. You need to give yourself the precious gift of time to heal. Recognize your WH is trying to move to the next step, by throwing pre-Affair marital issues at you. For now, just take note of what he was unhappy with and try not to take it personal. This will give you a better understanding of who he is, when you are ready to tackle these kinds of issues.

So sorry for what you are going through.

redrock posted 6/23/2013 21:45 PM

I think he is 'support shopping'. Looking for the advice/approach that will allow him to adjust the focus of his affair behavior away from himself. And he chose a nice option for himself in this article.

This article spends most of its time talking about the failure of the wife to meet her husbands need for respect and admiration.

He acted only in ways to get that need met from a co-worker. Nothing more. However, the lies that he tells himself to break boundaries is not addressed or even called out. How he gave himself permission to conduct the affair? Not addressed. His ability to compartmentalize his life? Not acknowledged.

I think that being married with teenage kids is hard. I think dealing with bankruptcy and death is hard. For the individuals and the marriage too. What a huge strain.

I am pretty sure that, as a partner trying to keep the family boat afloat -- ego kibbles to the guy that helped get us there would not be my number one priority.

And in this terrible time.. what of the wife's needs?

Not ONE of her needs is discussed in this article. Not one. She ends up with a shiny new ring & gets wined and dined(how is that happening if they are broke?).

Can we get real for a second? If you are in bankruptcy, you are not buying a costly diamond or affording wine and dinners out and about. But put it in print and it makes it so.... uggh. Annoying.

Oh and the wife has a love letter to take out and sooth her when affair pain gets to her. That's when I know the story is jacked. A letter? Please! She seems satisfied, maybe her needs are being met... Again, I would want some clarification on that.

While the article does address that it is not the wife's fault(immediately followed with a but her actions contributed to the break down of the marriage). It does say that it is hard work to come back.

It just seems like a story that someone made up to fit the facts and storyline that someone wanted told.

Both partners in a marriage have needs, especially in a time of crisis. The partner that chooses to break the trust has a responsibility to rebuild that trust.

Making couple time a priority is not going to solve the A issue. You have to get through the Affair issues, then Marriage issues.

Does reading this article change the boundary you set as far a detailed timeline?

Probably not. So enforce it.

He keeps bringing up in MC that I need to look at my behavior and not always blame him

I think until he acknowledges the extent of his betrayals- emotional, physical and financial - you are stuck at the starting line. How do you move forward to marriage issues when you don't even know the extent of the affairs.

Keep your boundary.
As far as the article goes, he is showing you where he is at. Trying to negotiate a shortcut in healing and focus. He isn't there yet. See it for what it is.

webmistress posted 6/23/2013 22:23 PM

I attend BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) support group meetings, and your H is using one tiny piece of a bigger puzzle for his own agenda (which is blame shifting). The Anne Bercht, the BW who began BAN with her WH most certainly doesn't endorse BS's accepting any blame for A's. You may have for the marital problems, but he has to 100% own his decision to cheat.

When XH tried to pull the "she wasnt doing this, i needed more of that" routine with our MC, she told him guess what.....that's MARRIAGE. Nobody s satisfied all the time. And guess what else? Webmistress was feeling neglected too, but didnt go outside the marriage.

Hold firm, and don't let him get away with this. There's really no need to e mad, or even start a fight over it, because it's very simple. You did not make him decide to have sex with other women, period.