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ButterflyGirl posted 6/21/2013 20:26 PM

Ugh, I keep getting gas lighted and sucked into talking to the NPD STBX.. He keeps texting me complete lies about the children and the divorce. I'm supposed to talk to him about kids and finances, but it's all complete bullshit from him.. I keep walking that fine line of wondering what I'm supposed to respond to and what it's okay if I just completely ignore.. If I say "no," I mean fucking "NO" no matter how many times he bothers me about shit. I'm not going to keep repeating myself. Uh, I wish his abusive ass would just leave me alone. Maybe I'm more frustrated with DCF than him since I have no idea if they are even taking my concerns seriously. I hate this. I hate all of it. I just want to run away with my kids and never have to deal with him again..

tesla posted 6/21/2013 20:29 PM

Sorry that he is such an ass, BG. Unless it is an emergency with the kids, I'd give him a shit ton of crickets. And finances? Those rarely require immediate responses anyway.

FTG.

SBB posted 6/22/2013 01:06 AM

Kids/Finances still means only essentials.

Any info that is available to him = NC.

Any info that only I receive = I communicate.

Anything that's a 'nice to know' or handy = NC.

Issues that arise out of his incompetent parenting = NC (I deal with my kids, not him).

Bullshit claims he makes about things the girls supposedly say to him = NC (I deal with my kids, not him).

Basically I only contact him or respond when I have no other choice.

This is unfortunately the only way to deal with these lower muppets. Any attention positive or negative seems to send him on an ego kibble bender. It fuels the fire. The hope is my silence will one day be like piss on the fire.

Every time you respond to things that are absolutely NOT essential you are giving him ego kibbles. I know its hard and I've taken the bait myself.

I'm getting harder to bait so the fuckery amps up. We can't control their fuckery but we can control how much we let it impact our lives.

The more desperate he gets the more pathetic he looks. It all helps you detach.

((ButterflyGirl)) It stops when you say it stops. Stop participating and he will either go away OR your give a fuck will break.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/22/2013 10:04 AM

Thanks for the replies. I think that's why I'm so irritated. I keep giving him ego kibbles, and I wish I wouldn't fall for it..

Bullshit claims he makes about things the girls supposedly say to him

I keep falling for this one.. The problem is that HE is the one that is constantly talking to the kids and telling them too much.. I get gas lighted about this all the damn time..

I definitely want to continue dealing with my kids and not him. That's exactly what I should be doing, but I feel like I keep putting up a shield to save them from his dragon breath, but at some point I'm ready to slay the dragon..

SBB posted 6/22/2013 17:29 PM

I posted a thread about being baited in the same way and someone posted that in reacting to it I was encouraging him to amp it up.

For example the sad clown told my 5 year old that we were no longer together because I kissed other men.

I have told her that this is not true and that I didn't understand why he was telling 'stories' (our word for lies).

The other one was where he told her we were still married. I had to explain 'technically' to a 5 year old (say you went swimming and dried off everything but your big toe. If someone said you were wet it would be 'technically' true but you're not really wet, are you? Just your big toe).

Rather than spend my time telling her he is lying I've taken to telling her that it is a difference of opinion. I don't agree with him and he doesn't agree with me. We then spend most of our time talking about her feelings.

I won't lie - it is difficult because the urge is to unleash hell to get him to STFU is strong. To show him how he is damaging them is to try to reason with him.

Unfortunately that course does not and will not work. They are more concerned with taking jabs at us than they are about not fucking up our kids.

TBH I think they believe most of the crap lies they tell these kids.

There's nothing you can say to make him stop. Deal with your kids and their IC, through legal channels if you can.

Unfortunately trying to reason with him could provoke him. Perhaps he won't stop even if you don't take the bait. Remember you can't control the fuckery - you can only control how you react to it.

Focus on your kids and yourself - do what you can via IC and legal channels and remind yourself that taking the bait doesn't do any good.

((ButterflyGirl)) I can't tell you how much I loathe this aspect. The accusations and claims he makes are outrageous and enormously damaging IMO. Unfortunately it is not against the law to be a shit parent.

Divorce cures the shit husband problem but not the shit father problem.

npain posted 6/22/2013 19:19 PM

I admit, I am having NC problem as well. Got sucked in today, but every downfall makes us stronger....Will get back on the wagon and only answer to absolute essentials.

God, what a piece of trash I married.....

Ashland13 posted 6/22/2013 20:27 PM

Yes, there is game playing here, too. The double standards are pushing at my frustration and peaking my nerves. I'm working so hard to not send him any rants because I know what it will make happen.

He tells DD way too much and then yells at me and calls me a "meddler" if I even refer to him for something she asks.

I wonder sometimes if they try to pass us information through our children in hope of sparking something like that from us?

I notice the longer I go without contact the more of this happens.

He now passes requests through DD to me and I am going to play dumb and pretend I didn't hear them. It makes me very angry and is actually in our divorce papers not to do, so I think I may point that out to L another time, though it will bring retaliation with an NPD person.

I'm sorry for your hard time, BG. The games are so tiring that they play and I just want to be treated like an adult, you know? But I also suspect they aren't thinking many times, either.

I hope it will go by soon. Maybe he'll find a distraction or someone else to bother with texting.

I also work very hard at rating what I have to respond to -or not. And FWIW, I never respond right away if it's not-open ended like things I don't need to know about-and I have to.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/22/2013 22:40 PM

He now passes requests through DD to me and I am going to play dumb and pretend I didn't hear them. It makes me very angry and is actually in our divorce papers not to do, so I think I may point that out to L another time, though it will bring retaliation with an NPD person.

Well I better get ready for the retaliation. His disparagement is in our court papers, including our contempt papers. I have him admitting involving the kids numerous times in emails and texts, including him texting my son that I'm a bitch, I can't be trusted, and numerous times trying to change the schedule and send messages through our son. It's absolutely against the rules and administrative orders. He doesn't get it that I just want it to STOP.