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Newest Member: wokewife (61144)

User Topic: Divorce was necessary. Her affair was not.
♂ 35526
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After years of knowing she had esteem and self-worth issues and accepting it - but believing she had solid boundaries and values.

After a year of that "gut" feeling screaming that something was way off.

After hearing her tell me "I'm not in love with you any more".

After months of being demonized and vilified for no rational reason.

After months of believing her need to spend the night at her girlfriends house to "think about us".

After discovering the Valentines Day "love" letter that she wrote to her adultery partner - right after I gave her the letter I wrote telling her how much I missed her.

After telling her that there may be forgiveness and a possibility of putting our family back together - and her agreeing.

After being deceived again and discovering her car at his house.

After confronting them together - as a father, not a husband - and telling them that our children are going through hell because of their selfish, dysfunctional behavior.

After months and months of being blamed for her behavior, given irrational excuses, and witnessing complete irresponsibility.

After months of separation knowing she was still seeing the adultery partner all-the-while denying it.

After finally filing for divorce from this self-deluded, dysfunctional, bag of dishonest, deceitful shit.

After her being served and finally realizing their will be a life-changing consequence for is shit-bag behavior.

After getting the tearful phone calls asking if we can reconcile.

After searching every part of my heart, mind, and soul for any iota of a chance to remain married to this woman.

I could not.

The marriage finished. The divorce is final. The family is broken. She is feels guilt, shame, remorse, and regret. My children lost the foundation from which they would have drawn their greatest strength. Now they are members of a stupid statistic.

All this.

For what?

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 603 | Registered: May 2012
Rise And Shine
♀ 27513
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children lost the foundation from which they would have drawn their greatest strength

Why? Are you planning on leaving them?

Your children are very lucky to have you as their father. Very lucky, indeed.

April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
♀ 35985
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. Your pain is palpable. I'm glad you came here to let it out.

Be there for your children. Model healthy adult behavior for them. Be their rainbow after the storm.

I promise you that brighter days are ahead. Its like trying to watch a flower grow. You cant. but each day will be microscopically better than the last. And day.... BOOM!

Just hang in there.

Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
♀ 34373
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your post.I understand and feel everything you said, I have been there too. It does get better, when you realize there are no more eggshells to dance on and you get past some of the grief. You get to actually BE with your kids again, plan things for you and them, enjoy building bonds with them again. These are some good things

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. So you got the rah-rah posts that are telling you that life will go on and you will all be okay. And yes, that is true. You and your kids will adapt, adjust, and be just fine.

But I'm going to sit on the "this is fucking bullshit" bench with you because right now, at this point in time, that's how I'm feeling also. My kids deserved better than having to deal with parents that are divorced because one of them is too f'n self-absorbed and self-serving to put THEM in front of himself.

For what(?) indeed. Just *smh*.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 100% with ya pal. But the bottom line is that your never going to understand it. You simply cant make sense out of nonsense. I'm many years out and I still don't get it. I can only compare it to some sick twisted game they play. For some reason they have a need to inflict pain and suffering to all around them. When all along they simply could have asked for a D. My XWW went down the path of destruction on my ass. She could not be happy till she made my life miserable. When all along she could have just been honest up front. Could have told me she was not happy and wanted a D. I would not have been thrilled. But I would not have said no. I think in my case she wanted to freedom to see other people and still have the comforts and appearance of being M. Well life does not work that way. And when I said enough was enough she went on the all time tantrum of her life. She still tries to make life difficult for me in some ways. But all she has now is my youngest to use against me. And in a few years she wont have that either. He will be old enough to decide on what he wants to do. It boggles the mind my man. The only solution I have found for this is to give up trying to understand why this went the way it did.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♀ 35617
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a good man and father. I have faith it will get better for all of us! Ok... And she suffers a bit :)

Update 01/21/17
Me - BS, 46
Him - WH, 48
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Separated 03/2014 (he moved out of state for job)
Tried and tried and failed long distance 09/2015
Have no idea

Posts: 236 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. I've stopped trying to wrap my mind around it. XWH continues to behave in a manner that confounds me, and I just have to accept that I will never, ever understand his messed-up choices because I have a strong moral compass and would rather be alone and doing the right thing than with someone even though I know that it's wrong (especially when it might impact my young, innocent children who are victims in all of this).

I'm not sure why they feel the need to implode their lives, kept. Just know that we're better off without them because we want to lead healthy, authentic lives where we give of ourselves to others without a "What's in it for me?" expectation behind it. My XWH has always been about his "needs," and those will always be more important to him than any one person in his life. It's sad when you see them prioritize their selfish beliefs over the security that their children need. That was the hardest part of the mess for me to accept-- XWH didn't just cheat on me and destroy our relationship. He cheated on his children and destroyed their safe and loving home life. Now, he's hoping to recreate that with the OW, but I'm pretty sure that, somewhere down the line, history will repeat itself.

Keep being the solid, loving parent that you are. It's not always easy, and it's sometimes lonely, but when I see my kids laughing or telling me how they've had "a great day," I know that it's all worth it.


FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011
♂ 31891
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's sad brother.
But sadly, I feel I'm following in your footsteps.
At least my WW is "honest" about her A and does not deny anything when I catch her doing something.

But enough is enough.

Posts: 486 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
♂ 39236
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost everything you wrote sounds familiar to me, right up until the part where your WW experienced remorse. Mine never did.

If she had, I might have fought it out.

We all have our breaking points. I didn't reach mine until I finally realized that my WW wasn't going to come out of the fog and experience any kind of remorse for what she had done. It sounds like you're still at your breaking point even with the remorse.

A wise friend of mine said to me, after I had finally put away any hope of recovering my marriage, that "There is always hope, if you can bear it." It was a question of whether I was willing to put my heart on the line for the slim chance, the barest statistical probability that things might turn around. I wasn't. And it sounds like neither are you. But I'll still leave you with the same words, in case they mean anything to you.

There is always hope, if you can bear it.

ME: BH, 32
Her: WW, 31
DD: 7
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013

Posts: 390 | Registered: May 2013
♂ 35526
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the understanding, wise, and well-stated replies from all of you.

I'm divorced now. A strange feeling. I come from parents who have been married for 52 years and persevered in the ups and downs of their marriage. After going through the betrayal, being horribly lied to, given irrational excuses, and being blamed for her destructive decisions, I will say that my parents are my true hero's.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 603 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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