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Divorce was necessary. Her affair was not.

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keptmyword posted 6/21/2013 21:58 PM

After years of knowing she had esteem and self-worth issues and accepting it - but believing she had solid boundaries and values.

After a year of that "gut" feeling screaming that something was way off.

After hearing her tell me "I'm not in love with you any more".

After months of being demonized and vilified for no rational reason.

After months of believing her need to spend the night at her girlfriends house to "think about us".

After discovering the Valentines Day "love" letter that she wrote to her adultery partner - right after I gave her the letter I wrote telling her how much I missed her.

After telling her that there may be forgiveness and a possibility of putting our family back together - and her agreeing.

After being deceived again and discovering her car at his house.

After confronting them together - as a father, not a husband - and telling them that our children are going through hell because of their selfish, dysfunctional behavior.

After months and months of being blamed for her behavior, given irrational excuses, and witnessing complete irresponsibility.

After months of separation knowing she was still seeing the adultery partner all-the-while denying it.

After finally filing for divorce from this self-deluded, dysfunctional, bag of dishonest, deceitful shit.

After her being served and finally realizing their will be a life-changing consequence for is shit-bag behavior.

After getting the tearful phone calls asking if we can reconcile.

After searching every part of my heart, mind, and soul for any iota of a chance to remain married to this woman.

I could not.

The marriage finished. The divorce is final. The family is broken. She is feels guilt, shame, remorse, and regret. My children lost the foundation from which they would have drawn their greatest strength. Now they are members of a stupid statistic.

All this.

For what?

Rise And Shine posted 6/21/2013 22:09 PM

My children lost the foundation from which they would have drawn their greatest strength

Why? Are you planning on leaving them?

Your children are very lucky to have you as their father. Very lucky, indeed.

NoTriangles posted 6/21/2013 23:02 PM

I'm so sorry. Your pain is palpable. I'm glad you came here to let it out.

Be there for your children. Model healthy adult behavior for them. Be their rainbow after the storm.

I promise you that brighter days are ahead. Its like trying to watch a flower grow. You cant. but each day will be microscopically better than the last. And then...one day.... BOOM!

Just hang in there.

IrishLass518 posted 6/21/2013 23:09 PM

I could have written your post.I understand and feel everything you said, I have been there too. It does get better, when you realize there are no more eggshells to dance on and you get past some of the grief. You get to actually BE with your kids again, plan things for you and them, enjoy building bonds with them again. These are some good things

gonnabe2016 posted 6/21/2013 23:15 PM

Ok. So you got the rah-rah posts that are telling you that life will go on and you will all be okay. And yes, that is true. You and your kids will adapt, adjust, and be just fine.

But I'm going to sit on the "this is fucking bullshit" bench with you because right now, at this point in time, that's how I'm feeling also. My kids deserved better than having to deal with parents that are divorced because one of them is too f'n self-absorbed and self-serving to put THEM in front of himself.

For what(?) indeed. Just *smh*.

stronger08 posted 6/22/2013 01:46 AM

I agree 100% with ya pal. But the bottom line is that your never going to understand it. You simply cant make sense out of nonsense. I'm many years out and I still don't get it. I can only compare it to some sick twisted game they play. For some reason they have a need to inflict pain and suffering to all around them. When all along they simply could have asked for a D. My XWW went down the path of destruction on my ass. She could not be happy till she made my life miserable. When all along she could have just been honest up front. Could have told me she was not happy and wanted a D. I would not have been thrilled. But I would not have said no. I think in my case she wanted to freedom to see other people and still have the comforts and appearance of being M. Well life does not work that way. And when I said enough was enough she went on the all time tantrum of her life. She still tries to make life difficult for me in some ways. But all she has now is my youngest to use against me. And in a few years she wont have that either. He will be old enough to decide on what he wants to do. It boggles the mind my man. The only solution I have found for this is to give up trying to understand why this went the way it did.

laney57 posted 6/22/2013 04:45 AM

You are a good man and father. I have faith it will get better for all of us! Ok... And she suffers a bit :)

tryingagain74 posted 6/22/2013 09:28 AM

Yep. I've stopped trying to wrap my mind around it. XWH continues to behave in a manner that confounds me, and I just have to accept that I will never, ever understand his messed-up choices because I have a strong moral compass and would rather be alone and doing the right thing than with someone even though I know that it's wrong (especially when it might impact my young, innocent children who are victims in all of this).

I'm not sure why they feel the need to implode their lives, kept. Just know that we're better off without them because we want to lead healthy, authentic lives where we give of ourselves to others without a "What's in it for me?" expectation behind it. My XWH has always been about his "needs," and those will always be more important to him than any one person in his life. It's sad when you see them prioritize their selfish beliefs over the security that their children need. That was the hardest part of the mess for me to accept-- XWH didn't just cheat on me and destroy our relationship. He cheated on his children and destroyed their safe and loving home life. Now, he's hoping to recreate that with the OW, but I'm pretty sure that, somewhere down the line, history will repeat itself.

Keep being the solid, loving parent that you are. It's not always easy, and it's sometimes lonely, but when I see my kids laughing or telling me how they've had "a great day," I know that it's all worth it.

(((keptmyword)))

jimbo25319 posted 6/22/2013 21:18 PM

Kept,
That's sad brother.
But sadly, I feel I'm following in your footsteps.
At least my WW is "honest" about her A and does not deny anything when I catch her doing something.

But enough is enough.

dbellanon posted 6/22/2013 21:40 PM

Almost everything you wrote sounds familiar to me, right up until the part where your WW experienced remorse. Mine never did.

If she had, I might have fought it out.

We all have our breaking points. I didn't reach mine until I finally realized that my WW wasn't going to come out of the fog and experience any kind of remorse for what she had done. It sounds like you're still at your breaking point even with the remorse.

A wise friend of mine said to me, after I had finally put away any hope of recovering my marriage, that "There is always hope, if you can bear it." It was a question of whether I was willing to put my heart on the line for the slim chance, the barest statistical probability that things might turn around. I wasn't. And it sounds like neither are you. But I'll still leave you with the same words, in case they mean anything to you.

There is always hope, if you can bear it.

keptmyword posted 6/25/2013 18:53 PM

Thanks for the understanding, wise, and well-stated replies from all of you.

I'm divorced now. A strange feeling. I come from parents who have been married for 52 years and persevered in the ups and downs of their marriage. After going through the betrayal, being horribly lied to, given irrational excuses, and being blamed for her destructive decisions, I will say that my parents are my true hero's.

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