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huRtZ413 posted 6/21/2013 22:07 PM

Can I or can't I ? I want to soooo badly he's I'd there on he sofa I'm outside thinking I want to so badly ! WH is havin a emotional melt down right now and we just got through a hell of a night where I was seriously considering 180 but now I'm not sure .... Thoughts .

Jrazz posted 6/21/2013 22:10 PM

I don't think the 180 and sex mesh. Sends the exactly-wrong signal.

Google "hysterical bonding" and see why so many of us found ourselves loathing our WS in the beginning and yet felt some constant compulsion to have sex with them.

For many reasons, if you can hold out till you have better footing that would be healthier.

But I get it. I totally get it.

Knowing posted 6/21/2013 22:14 PM

Have you had ANY sex since DDay?

What are your reasons for considering the 180?

[This message edited by Knowing at 3:57 AM, June 22nd, 2013 (Saturday)]

DoneWithLove posted 6/22/2013 00:23 AM

We went through the hysterical bonding thing too. Its weird to want someone so much that has caused you so much pain. If he is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes then I say bond away (with protection)... researching hysterical bonding my help clarify why your feeling such conflicting emotions. You might feel a little bipolar at first, jumping his bones and then wanting to peel your skin off after youve done the deed. Its ok to feel unhinged, especially if hes done a 180 from what he was pre A. Read the article on what the WS/ BS must do to reconcile, maybe that will help you gage whether or not you two are on the right path.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 12:25 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

wert posted 6/22/2013 07:44 AM

IMO the 180 is about you. Do you want to have sex? If so do it.

The 180 is not about a message to anyone but yourself. It's a time of rebuilding yourself for you. Period.

I 180'd and had my W give me blow job once a week. Whatever it takes. I had sex with her too, not because I was interested in connection but because I want to have sex.

I think often times people confuse recovery time sex and relationship skills and long term relationship sex and skills. For a long time after d-day I just nailed my W. We didn't 'make love' I wasn't all that connected. Did not want to be. I put in my mind to what I needed to in order to get the job that I wanted done...done.

The 180 is not about showing your H you have moved on...it's actually about moving on. Find things that turn you on and do them. If that is sleeping with you H, do it. I don't mean leave your own moral boundaries here. Sky diving - check. Starting a new sport - Check. Going back to grad school - check. Leaning how to cook Indian food - check. Blowing some dude (that isn't your H)in the back of his 87 Toyota Corolla - no check.

I learned a couple really important things from my W's cheating.
I was the strong one
I have the power in my relationships life and only share it with those that deserve it.
My W did not deserve the time of day until she stopped being a dip shit.
I was never going to put other people before myself for very long. If I was going to help someone its because I want to.
My W's journey is her own. Eventually if she earns her way back into my heart I will share myself fully with her. Until then I am doing what is best for me.
Be honest with myself about who I am and what I want.
Kids first.

take care....

huRtZ413 posted 6/22/2013 10:01 AM

i just felt last night he lost it thought he understood then lost it he is trying to rush my healing he wants to jump into being happy and moving forward . so in turn i lost it saying i will not be on his time table of when i am ok . that ill never be ok and if he cant live with that then he can fly my back home to my home state.....of course he apologized and said he didnt mean it he said it out of frustration because he doesnt know what to do how to help and he wants me to be happy again that he wants our life to be better already and that all this shit he brought it on himself and that at this point he has nothing to look forward to he hate his life and just wants to make me happy because thats the only thing he has going for him and even that he screwed up .

im not 180 him but i was just curious as to 180 and sex because im very ummm(sexual ) and i have to get laid ...i know that sounds really bad . im not a SA though but yeah i am really attracted to my WH even more so when he gets all emotional weird huh .

LiedtoLucy posted 6/22/2013 10:17 AM

Wert-
Did you feel this way right after DDay or did it take a while to get there?
I like your theory a lot. I have been feeling somewhat guilty about having sex ALL the time with my WH. It is so good and i don't want to stop, but why should I give him the pleasure? But
if it is NOT for him but because I like it and it gets me through my day then I can f*** him whenever I want; however I want. The relationship is still very shaky but so what...having fun and he isn't complaining.

DoneWithLove posted 6/22/2013 11:17 AM

When he says he doesn't know what to do, tell him to do whatever pops into his head that he think you might like. I told my H that and now I get all of his paycheck and he gets an allowance from me for gas, lunch at work or going to the store. Before I couldn't get $5 from him without a fight. So if hes willing to do something like that, especially if he wouldnt do it before, then do it, accept it and and stay positive.

anemie posted 6/22/2013 11:35 AM

We went through the hysterical bonding, and it was fantastic sex, most days it made me feel horrible after like I was rewarding him but it was what I wanted, he did not intiate it at all. But I will caution we are 8 months out from Dday and to me our sex still has zero emotional connection. It is just sex for me and while it physically it feels great sometimes it's like being with a stranger. Do what you need to do for
Yourself.

Tired05 posted 6/22/2013 14:21 PM

I agree. I mostly did it out of...anger. I was very pushy, and rough, way more than I have ever been, but I knew my H likes that. So I figured, this is the only time I can slap him and he actually enjoys it. I'M DOWN. But like another commenter said, everytime he tried to bring actual 'love' into the bed, mind movies would immediately start playing...and I would start wondering how many times he said it to HER while fucking her...

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