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gahurts posted 6/21/2013 23:27 PM

I am so pissed right now. I just have to get this out so maybe I can get some sleep tonight.

DS20 is my son from my M with my 1st W. xWW never treated him well at all when he was growing up. He has ADHD and as a result had quite a few behavioral issues. She was always quick to blame him for things and ignore the same behavior from her own boys. She punished him very severely for the smallest infraction and then just brushed off any punishments that her boys deserved. I love my step sons very much but the disparity in how she treated them vs how she treated DS20 and DD22 drove me crazy and still does. DD22 is still angry at the way she was treated.

Well DS20 has basically made amends with xWW. She truely cares about him and treats him well. He is very close to DSS17 and often spends time with him including spending the night at their apartment. Great. I am good with that.

DS20 has been in a bit of trouble with the law. I posted a while back about him getting stopped and arrested for marajuana possession with the intent to distribute. Another problem that I not posted about is that he cashed a bad check for some guy that was trying to rip him off. They concocted a scheme to pass a bad check off to the bank and pull out the money. The DA did not believe that he was scammed because he tried to cash a second check which actually bounced.

Last Tuesday was his arraignment hearing. He pled guilty and got 4 years probabtion, 40 hours community service. Has to go to AA 2x a week. Plus a $2000 fine plus court costs. Stressful but all things considered as good as we could get.

xWW asks him what happened and when he told her she asked how he was going to pay his fine. She tells me that he said "Oh Dad will pay it. He has plenty of money" (I've been paying off his lawyer for the past 6 months and have one month left - he wil be paying me back).

Then tonight I texted him before going to bed to see if he was coming home. He said he was staying there tonight but he would be home tomorrow. I reminded him that I was going to a moonlight sailing race tomorrow night that I wanted him to come with me to. I thought it would be a good chance for us to spend some time together. He said yeah if he is back in time He is going to OM's family BBQ.

I am livid. Suddenly I am not so tired anymore. I have to play nicey nicey with xWW for the sake of my 3 little kids while I hear how she hates me and DD22 and doesn't need me for anything (except the money I give her twice each month - I had minor surgery under general anesthsia last week. The only communication I got from her was "When are you going to deposit my money?"; How about are you OK?)

So I finally had enough and texted him that I am tired of being taken advantage of. He claims he is just going to spend time with DSS17 and not to see OM but come on. He is playing happy family with OM and xWW and the whole gang. This just really hurts. With all I do for him over and over and over again. And I just keep getting walked on or told what I want to hear.

And DSS17 and I were supposed to go take his car to the shop to try to get it fixed for emissions so he has something to drive when he starts school. So I guess that's not happening. Considering he called me earlier in the week to find out when we could go I would think if his plans changed then he would at least let me know.

Sorry for rambling like this. I am just so stressed and really pissed off right now. Just typing this out has helped quite a bit. Maybe I can start calming down. Thanks for listening.
I wish I had some wine in the house right now.

lieshurt posted 6/22/2013 00:02 AM

I'm sorry hun. Your son is taking you for granted and you don't deserve that. Maybe it's time for some tough love?

(((gahurts)))

sadcat posted 6/22/2013 07:20 AM

ah gahurts that sucks! I doubt he is deliberately trying to use and hurt you. Kids just have NO CLUE. They think parents are made to revolve around them and their world. And we do, to a point.

But I would have a talk with him and tell him that while you want to help him be successful he has to step up and show you the respect and courtesy you are showing him. Many parents would wash their hands of their kids at this point. ((((gahurts))))

Kajem posted 6/22/2013 08:28 AM

(((((gahurts)))))

No easy answers, Can you schedule a talk with him (both kids) for when you are calmer? I know from experience that talking to my kids when I am agitated gets us nowhere except angrier. When I talk to them about their behavior and how I feel in non heated discussion, well it is more of discussion instead of me dictating. I like to think I am teaching my kids how to handle themselves when the tables are turned.

Good luck... Parenting isn't for the faint of heart.

Hugs,

K

Amazonia posted 6/22/2013 08:39 AM

"I'm sorry but I won't be able to lend you the bail money until you pay me back for the attorney."

gahurts posted 6/22/2013 09:13 AM

Thanks y'all.

Yes I know in my heart that tough love is warrented. I even went so far as to give him a deadline that he has to have a job within a certain timeframe or he will have to get out. That got him motivated to put in applications but he hasn't heard anything back yet. Of course with the conviction now it will be even harder for him to get hired.

The flip side of this is that I struggle with how my acrtions in the past failed him. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing but ther eis so much that I look back on that I should have done differently. Yes i go through this with IC but it is hard to let go of some times.

I do feel that it is more of a case that he is still in the teenager - all about me point of view mode rather than he deliberately trying to take advantage of me but he needs to grow up. Regardless of what has been in the past, regardless of whatever he is dealing with now, or maybe because of it, it's time to get with the program. When he applies himself and gets motivated he really is a decent kid.

I have made it clear that he owes me all of the money that I am spending. He agrees and says he will pay it back but his lack of drive in finding work is frustrating. I have to keep on him or he isn't motivated.

So he did text me back last night and said he was sorry that I felt taken advantage of but that wasn't what he was trying to do. I need to sit down in a calm state and have a discussion with him of my expectations of what I need him to do without me asking so that I don't feel this way.

gahurts posted 6/22/2013 09:14 AM

When he called after he was arrested I told him I was busy and he was on his own. Then I made him sit there with no contact for over 12 hours before I contacted an L and he showed up to talk to him. It had a major impact. I just have to make sure he realizes that I am serious.

kernel posted 6/22/2013 09:41 AM

The flip side of this is that I struggle with how my acrtions in the past failed him. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing but ther eis so much that I look back on that I should have done differently. Yes i go through this with IC but it is hard to let go of some times.

Every parent in the world can think back and find fault with their past actions. Always wondering what they could have done better or differently or more. Sometimes you just have to ask yourself, "did I do what I thought was best at the time?" If the answer is yes, then let it go and quit doubting yourself. You can't change the past.

Maybe it's time for some tough love?

I agree with this. It's time. Your DS20 knows that you will keep saving him, and that keeps him from having to stand on his own. I went through this my own son and I know it is incredibly painful to just stop saving them. But we did it (XH & me). He didn't immediately turn into this terrific person - in fact, he got into even more trouble. But you know what? He FINALLY figured out that he wasn't a victim and that his own poor choices were the cause of all his problems. Now he's doing great, has paid off all his fines, isn't on probation, has a good job with insurance. He's always been a terrific person but he was immature and he always had to learn things the hard way. No amount of advice from others ever meant a thing. This whole process took years, I'm sad to say. There are no guarantees, no matter what you choose to do. You have to decide what you can live with. For me and XH, we couldn't live with the way our DS was treating us and finally said enough.

((gahurts))

[This message edited by kernel at 9:42 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

newnormal posted 6/22/2013 10:25 AM

The book crucial conversations has a chapter on how to set boundaries in situations like this.

And please, you can't make up for past imperfections by giving him what he wants. That is just enabling him to continue to make bad choices. Set boundaries and expectations with love and stand firm on them.

I know you feel betrayed, hurt and disappointed. Im sorry you are going through this on top of everything else.

Sad in AZ posted 6/22/2013 11:00 AM

The worst gift you can give your child is enabling his/her bad behavior. And even when you think they were not at fault or taken advantage of, there was still bad behavior on their part--saying otherwise is codependency. I understand how hard it is to watch your kids hurt and flounder, but bailing them out is not helpful at all.

In the eyes of the law, your son is an adult; I'll bet in his eyes he thinks he's an adult but will gladly revert to childhood when he wants something from you. He made an adult decision to deal on his own terms with the OM, and you can't dictate to him how that will look. You also shouldn't have to bail him out every time he's in trouble. Let him grow up, ga. It's time.

gardenparty posted 6/22/2013 11:44 AM

The line to walk with your kids is friggin tough. I told my kids last October that I was hurt because they attended EX's wedding to OW and they cut off all communication with me for almost 6 months. And I mean I simply told them that I was hurt. Be very careful how you approach this. Not saying that you shouldn't set boundaries but be prepared for the fall out. Yes your son is technically an adult but he is still your kid and probably doesn't even for a moment think about the impact that his actions will have on you.

abbycadabby posted 6/22/2013 15:34 PM

(((gahurts)))

You've gotten some really good advice here. I hope it's helpful to you and that you can achieve resolution soon.

meaniemouse posted 6/22/2013 16:03 PM

As a parent who struggles with the same sort of issues with my daughters I can empathize. I don't have any advice but others have made great suggestions. At any rate, you're not alone--if that is any consolation.