((((777))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I, too, denied. I understand, now, that I needed to: we use the coping tools we have, and denial is NOT always negative; it allows us to mete out pain in doses that are tolerable to us when we don't have better tools to cope with it.
That said, I have struggled mightily with anger---at MYSELF--for becoming a co-conspirator in the great, great harm he chose to inflict.
As I learn to put things in perspective, I've learned to forgive myself. We really do do the best we can with what we know. Now, I know better.
But it seems like such a tremendous waste of precious life, to me, accepting so little for so very long.
My suggestion would be this: find a terrific individual counselor to help you identify why you are willing to accept what your husband offers.
I would wager that it's not love. Or, at least, not JUST love. Love just isn't enough. So what's keeping you in this terribly one-sided marriage? Were you raised in a family where women were not valued? Were YOU devalued? Are you fearful of your ability to support yourself and your family?
Whatever the reason behind your acceptance of the unacceptable, it will help to identify it. And then, your IC can help you gather NEW tools for dealing with difficult things.
Open marriages and swinging are not, by definition, unacceptable. It's the lying and deception and secretive nature of your husband's behavior.
I can tell you ONE thing, for absolute certain: As long as your husband harbors secrets and lies, you will NEVER be able to enjoy the level of emotional intimacy that characterizes a good, healthy marriage.
Lies and secrets are thrilling to some. But they completely and utterly preclude the connection that most of us want from our marriages.
I wish I had realized this far, far earlier. I would have made VERY different decisions.
I know that you're doing the best you can with this information. Consider, though, getting help so that you can learn coping tools other than denial. In the long run, you will be happy you did.
Millions of hugs to you. I am so very sorry for your pain.