SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

confused777 posted 6/21/2013 23:28 PM

Will try to make this short. Me 36, he is 38. Married for 6 years, together for 13. I knew he was on yahoo messenger and knew he was looking at porn. However, a few years ago he left the computer on to this site called "swing life style" and it had a naked picture of him on it. I saw the picture and profile name but went into denial as I didn't want to think he was cheating. Stupid I know. Later, I found a motel receipt for a motel about 45 minutes away - check in time 2:45 am. I asked him about it, he denied it was his (I had checked receipt before and knew it was card number). Again I let it go, still in denial. But, its been eating at me and eating at me. 3 years later, I checked the site and found his profile. He has seven confirmed endorsements from couples only. The stupidity in me says its only couples and sex, don't do anything as I really do love him. He also will blame me, we have an 18 month old and he will blame for lack of sex, snooping yada yada. I don't want to lose any last shred of respect I have for him. I want to play ostrich but I am disgusted and cant live this lie anymore. However, change is scary. On that site, the couples can endorse him - I read the descriptions of been with him. I am sick and heart broken. Don't know what to do.

I am also so angry as I always swore I would leave if I was cheated on and I am staying - I have lost respect for myself.

[This message edited by confused777 at 11:43 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

Ladyogilvy posted 6/21/2013 23:53 PM

Take it easy on yourself. No one knows how they will react to an affair until it happens to them. You are not the one who did something wrong. he did. People aren't chronically unfaithful just because of a temporary slow down of sexual activity in their marriage. They are unfaithful because of their own personal issues you have no control over. You only have control over you. You don't have to decide what to do today. If you haven't confronted him yet it's probably best you wait until you have more information and can make educated decisions. There is a wealth of information here and people who know more than me will be here to help you soon. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It may be the worst roller coaster of emotions you will ever experience but you will be okay. You have to be okay for that baby.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 11:55 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

confused777 posted 6/21/2013 23:58 PM

I've had the proof for years, have now sent the screen shots of his account and "endorsements" to my email. I feel better just knowing because before I didn't want to know he was sleeping around. I see that sites logo open on his phone all the time. I have woken at night and he is gone - I call him - he says he cant sleep and took a drive. He has been thinking I'm a food since I didn't let on that I knew.

FightingBack posted 6/22/2013 00:03 AM

Wow Confused,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. But I know you have come to the right place,

We do sometimes hide our heads in the sand. Maybe because we are just not ready to face our fears, so we deny them.

It sounds like you have decided to face those fears. It is terrifying, I know, but they will never go away until you do.

My heart goes out to you. This isn't going to be easy, I think you will have to confront him eventually though.

If you can hold on a bit, others will come by and read your post and reply. These good people have some great advice and will be able to walk you through this.

One thing that I have heard so often here is NEVER reveal your sources. So it may not be wise to let him know at this point, that you found his swinging site. You may need to get more information first.

Help will come, but you must be patient as it is early Saturday morning and weekends are slower here than weekdays. Hang tight.
I wish I had better advice than this, but for now, I'm sending you a hug.
(((Confused)))

painpaingoaway posted 6/22/2013 08:38 AM

777, I know how hard it is to wrap your mind around this kind of horror when you finally 'wake up' from the denial.

Please please take care of yourself. See a lawyer before confronting. Seeing a lawyer does not mean you are going to D, or R. It simply is a way to inform yourself of your rights in a D, and it is very empowering. Also, if you are in a 'fault' state, a lawyer will tell you how to proceed in order to prove infidelity.

Please do NOT have unprotected sex with your H. He is putting your very life in danger.

And RUN, don't walk, RUN and get tested for STD's.

I am sorry for your pain.

solus sto posted 6/22/2013 13:13 PM

((((777))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I, too, denied. I understand, now, that I needed to: we use the coping tools we have, and denial is NOT always negative; it allows us to mete out pain in doses that are tolerable to us when we don't have better tools to cope with it.

That said, I have struggled mightily with anger---at MYSELF--for becoming a co-conspirator in the great, great harm he chose to inflict.

As I learn to put things in perspective, I've learned to forgive myself. We really do do the best we can with what we know. Now, I know better.

But it seems like such a tremendous waste of precious life, to me, accepting so little for so very long.

My suggestion would be this: find a terrific individual counselor to help you identify why you are willing to accept what your husband offers.

I would wager that it's not love. Or, at least, not JUST love. Love just isn't enough. So what's keeping you in this terribly one-sided marriage? Were you raised in a family where women were not valued? Were YOU devalued? Are you fearful of your ability to support yourself and your family?

Whatever the reason behind your acceptance of the unacceptable, it will help to identify it. And then, your IC can help you gather NEW tools for dealing with difficult things.

Open marriages and swinging are not, by definition, unacceptable. It's the lying and deception and secretive nature of your husband's behavior.

I can tell you ONE thing, for absolute certain: As long as your husband harbors secrets and lies, you will NEVER be able to enjoy the level of emotional intimacy that characterizes a good, healthy marriage.

Lies and secrets are thrilling to some. But they completely and utterly preclude the connection that most of us want from our marriages.

I wish I had realized this far, far earlier. I would have made VERY different decisions.

I know that you're doing the best you can with this information. Consider, though, getting help so that you can learn coping tools other than denial. In the long run, you will be happy you did.

Millions of hugs to you. I am so very sorry for your pain.

confused777 posted 6/24/2013 22:07 PM

So I told him what I know. He said he had never really hidden it from me and he wanted me to know because he wants us to do it together. Told me not to blame myself. He didn't want to tell me about parts of his sexuality cause he thought I wouldn't stay with him. Said he feels guilty. I told him this couldn't be part of our marriage as I can't share him, not my nature. He said he chooses me. Said it was never sex, just fondling which is how rationalized its ok.

I am going to stay in my marriage at this point. I told him the worst part is he didn't think he could tell me. He told me I had always told him it was a deal breaker, but then I was talking hypothetically. We are going to go to marriage counseling and individual counseling and I will join cosa. I am doing this with eyes wide open. Told him this is his one get out of jail card.

I will stay on this board for more insight. I feel better with the knowledge I gained and I am learning more about him and myself.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/24/2013 22:26 PM

777, as an outsider, I think you should prepare yourself for more than just fondling. Sorry.

You're doing the right things -- MC and IC. And posting here.

Stay strong.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/24/2013 23:06 PM

You said he had 7 "endorsements." Did none of them reveal more than fondling? Have you not just caught him in yet another lie? I just cannot imagine that he only "fondled" people. That's complete bull if you ask me..

Part of me is tempted to say that you know what you are getting into, so you are making a choice with eyes wide open, but the other part of me wants to ask you why you would settle for this.. You deserve so much better. I think solus sto wrote an excellent post to you, and I suggest you read it again. As she stated, open marriages are not unacceptable, it's the lying and deception that is unacceptable. You stated that you are not willing to participate in an open marriage, so this is definitely a dealbreaker for you if it continues..

It just pains me when I see people being completely disrespected and manipulated. I wish I could send you the strength to stand up for yourself and not be scared of a future without him if he continues to lie and deceive you. You need to show him that you deserve better and that you mean business.

It scares me more than a little that he acted like he never really hid it from you. It sounds like emotional abuse and grooming, making you think something is okay when it absolutely is NOT. He's acting like it's no big deal, and he's trying to get you to feel like it's no big deal, and he's not going to change until you get it through his head that this is absolutely unacceptable and that you will be putting boundaries down and giving him the consequences for breaking them, up to and including losing you.

I agree to meet with a lawyer. There are plenty that give free consultations, and knowledge is power. This does NOT mean that you are committing to R or D. It just means that you are learning your options and what will happen if he doesn't commit to serious change. It will take some of the fear away of standing up for yourself..

Big huge hugs to you.

confused777 posted 6/24/2013 23:17 PM

I know it was more than fondling. I know there was oral sex but no sexual intercourse. He said he likes to be watched and he said he'd never expect me to participate , he knows I wouldn't. I told him he can choose that or me. Right now he chooses me, we'll see if it stays this way. I work in addictions and have understanding of this.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/24/2013 23:40 PM

I hope he commits to serious change for you and digs deep to figure out his whys..

Good luck at counseling and your cosa meetings..

More hugs..

soverybetrayed posted 6/25/2013 02:13 AM

confused, I think you should re-read your posts again because your wh contradicted himself.

First he said

He said he had never really hidden it from me and he wanted me to know because he wants us to do it together.

and then he said:

He said he likes to be watched and he said he'd never expect me to participate , he knows I wouldn't.

If he wasn't trying to hide it from you because he wanted YOU to participate then how can he turn around and say that he never expected you to participate because he knows you wouldn't? That makes no sense, which is it? He wanted you to catch him and join him or he was hiding it because he knew you wouldn't be willing to join him and it would be a deal breaker?

I think you need to watch his actions and not his words. Has he agreed to stop? Has he deleted all profiles? Has he gotten rid of any and all emails and contact info from the swingers? He MUST do all of the above plus go to counseling to find out why he gave himself permission to cheat on you.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this but know that we are here for you when you need support or someplace to vent/ask questions or whatever you need. (((confused777)))

HardenMyHeart posted 6/25/2013 07:00 AM

Please do NOT have unprotected sex with your H. He is putting your very life in danger.

And RUN, don't walk, RUN and get tested for STD's.

Before you do anything else, get tested for STD's and DO NOT have unprotected sex.

You're in an open marriage now and your WH does not believe infidelity is wrong. You cannot believe anything your WH says about the type of sex he is having with these swingers.

So sorry for what you are going through.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:00 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]