I've been lurking here and giving advice here and there but I've never told my story and it's why I came here in the first place. I don't even know what forum to post it in because it's so effed up. I feel horrible. It has effected me for over 10 years now. I'm only 34 years old and I haven't had a normal relationship because of it.
Here's the story: I'm gay. I was 22 years old and i'd just come out. I dated here and there but nobody really swept me of my feet (I may be gay but I have very traditional views on love and relationships - monogomy all the way.) Anyway, I was young and dumb. I met this guy named x. He was handsome, sweet, and protective. Jealous even. Early on, I realized there was something not right about him. He seemed unstable (mentally) to me. At 22 years old, I overlooked it. For instance one night, he and I went out with my best friend (childhood friend) who just happened to live in the same city as me and eventually lived with me while going through college . He physically assulted a man for saying "Hello" to Me one night. Beat the shit out of him. Was very possessive. One night, the 3 of us went out, some guy said hello to me, and the next thing I saw was "d" pounding the shit out of him - rolling around on the ground.
Dd1: I find out that despite the "I love yous, d was cheating on me with 5 other people! I went into b evil, vindictive, c% nt mode. You see, D had always talked highly about "the one he let get away" - his ex who he was still very much in love with.
Well, I made it a mission to find said x and cause some strife. I ended up sleeping with his ex of 4 years knowing it would hurt him. I went as far as having the ex call him from the bed while I was there the next morning. He LOST IT! From that point, he gained 120 lbs and became very depressed and detached. He blamed it on me as mutual friends and voice mail emphatically confirmed. Worst scenario for him, X and I got (along famously - an unintended consequence) and feel in love. We tried to keep it quiet but it just got back to him more and more
Bottom line, he ended up killing himself because of it and I've never been able to forgive myself since. Ive shyed away from serious relationships ever since and I feel helplessly guilty. I never meant for it to go this far and I've been broken ever since. I know it was my fault and I wish j could go back and change that young man's life but I can't. I'll never love normally Asian.