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I had a revenge A & it killed him - literally

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anewday78 posted 6/22/2013 00:17 AM

I've been lurking here and giving advice here and there but I've never told my story and it's why I came here in the first place. I don't even know what forum to post it in because it's so effed up. I feel horrible. It has effected me for over 10 years now. I'm only 34 years old and I haven't had a normal relationship because of it.
Here's the story: I'm gay. I was 22 years old and i'd just come out. I dated here and there but nobody really swept me of my feet (I may be gay but I have very traditional views on love and relationships - monogomy all the way.) Anyway, I was young and dumb. I met this guy named x. He was handsome, sweet, and protective. Jealous even. Early on, I realized there was something not right about him. He seemed unstable (mentally) to me. At 22 years old, I overlooked it. For instance one night, he and I went out with my best friend (childhood friend) who just happened to live in the same city as me and eventually lived with me while going through college . He physically assulted a man for saying "Hello" to Me one night. Beat the shit out of him. Was very possessive. One night, the 3 of us went out, some guy said hello to me, and the next thing I saw was "d" pounding the shit out of him - rolling around on the ground.
Dd1: I find out that despite the "I love yous, d was cheating on me with 5 other people! I went into b evil, vindictive, c% nt mode. You see, D had always talked highly about "the one he let get away" - his ex who he was still very much in love with.
Well, I made it a mission to find said x and cause some strife. I ended up sleeping with his ex of 4 years knowing it would hurt him. I went as far as having the ex call him from the bed while I was there the next morning. He LOST IT! From that point, he gained 120 lbs and became very depressed and detached. He blamed it on me as mutual friends and voice mail emphatically confirmed. Worst scenario for him, X and I got (along famously - an unintended consequence) and feel in love. We tried to keep it quiet but it just got back to him more and more
Bottom line, he ended up killing himself because of it and I've never been able to forgive myself since. Ive shyed away from serious relationships ever since and I feel helplessly guilty. I never meant for it to go this far and I've been broken ever since. I know it was my fault and I wish j could go back and change that young man's life but I can't. I'll never love normally Asian.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/22/2013 00:40 AM

No, it wasn't your fault. He was mentally unstable. He cheated on you. You were young and hurt and retaliated. No one knows how they will react to an affair until it happens to them. Were there better ways you could have handled it? Sure, we have all done things we regret in reaction to betrayal. Stick around here for awhile and hear some of our confessions.

In the 80's, I lived in the Castro in SF. My roommates were all gay men. They took me in when I was a young runaway and had nowhere to go. I loved them dearly but, they would have admitted to, took pride in, being a bunch of sluts. This was pre-AIDs in a culture where people had migrated for the sake of acting out sexually. Despite your "traditional" view of relationships, you were still young, making your way through the maze of non-traditional territory on the path of becoming who you would become. You still are on that path and who you will become is up to you. Please let this be an opportunity for you to mature into a compassionate man who has compassion for yourself as well as others.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 12:43 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

SBB posted 6/22/2013 01:21 AM

There is nothing anyone can do to make someone kill themselves.


How we each cope with trauma/heartbreak/betrayal is less about what was done to us and more about our coping mechanisms.

You see it on these boards all the time - there are some truly horrific stories or betrayals, hideous childhoods, hideous marriages etc. These people did not choose the suicide path.

The sad clown told me he felt suicidal when I turned my back on him after DD. During our first S I actually came home one day to check on him because I was worried he was going to hurt himself. To be brutally honest I was less worried about him and more worried about my own guilt.

I slept around immediately after DD. Not to get revenge, not because his betrayal made me do it - it was simply my toxic coping mechanism. I don't regret what it did to him - that part never really bothered me. I sure as hell regret what it did to me.

He used the suicide talk as a way of manipulating me and I allowed it. I let little shards of guilt creep into my heart.

In short - focus less on the guilt you feel and more on finding healthy coping mechanisms. Guilt is an empty emotion - like a black hole that only sucks goodness and light out of you.

IMO there's always a pay off when we allow ourselves to be submerged in negative behaviour or emotions. We're getting something out of it. A good IC can help you identify what that pay-off is here and replace it with healthy behaviour/emotions.

TrustGone posted 6/22/2013 01:22 AM


This is not your fault. He was mentally unstable it sounds like from the beginning. He had some serious issues with himself and he was broken before you ever even knew him.

The only one you have control over is yourself. He made himself who he was. There were other options like counceling, medications, etc...HE choose suicide. You were not there to make him do it, just like you were not there when he cheated on you and made that choice. Do not take responsibiility for HIS actions.

We all do stupid things when we are young. I also had a revenge affair on my XWH#1 when I was in my early 20's. It was stupid and I regret it now, but I can't change it. Just like my XWH#1 can not change what he did to me. I was stupid, young, and looking for love in all the wrong places. My marriage was a mess, my husband was mentally and physically abusive, and I was a stupid, niave young woman who thought this guy really cared about me. He wasn't married, but he was in a relationship with a SO. All he wanted was sex and no commitments to me and threw me under the bus on DDay. That was when I realized that I didn't really know him at all. He had lied to me and used me.

You can spend the rest of your life feeling guilty and punishing yourself for choices you made, but that is no way to live your life. If you haven't spoken with IC then I would suggest that you give it a try. (((HUGS)))

anewday78 posted 6/22/2013 11:10 AM

Thanks for all your support. This all happened over 10 years ago but I've really just started to deal with it recently. I've started talking about it with close friends and some family and they've been saying pretty much the same things you lovely ladies have said here. I guess I didn't realize how much the feelings of guilt have been effecting me all these years - especially my love life where I'm convinced that I sabotage every good prospect that comes my way on a very conscious level. The rational part of my brain understands that he was troubled and dealt with his troubles in very unhealthy, self-destructive ways. The ways he coped were out of my control. The guilty part of my brain tells me that my actions triggered a string of very u unfortunate events. I learned a great lesson from reading the stories of some very brave people here on SI - the best revenge is to become the best you can be. I will always defer to that notion moving forward. I think I'm definitely going to enlist the guidance of an IC to help me sort through some of the residual effects this has had on my love life for sure.

sisoon posted 6/22/2013 13:42 PM

I 2nd the IC idea. I suspect that you have too many dialogs going on in your head to sort out without help.

I'm very sorry stuff you did as a kid had such awful consequences. Sometimes that happens.

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