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Phoenix1 posted 6/22/2013 01:56 AM

of being the "strong" one all the time???

POS told me repeatedly over the years that I was the strongest person he has ever known. I found strength in that and always thought, "damn straight I am, asshole!"

Yet there are times, like tonight, when I am tired of being the strong one ALL the fucking time! Aren't we supposed to share that burden with our spouse? I feel like I have never been able to do that, and I am tired. Perhaps just a melancholy night, but I would love, if even for a short period of time, to let someone else be the strong person for a while. Lack of trust now even makes that less of a possibility. I carried his sorry ass thru grad school, I made sure we didn't go into bankruptcy because of all his shopping sprees, I worked all those times he was unemployed and always carried health insurance (ensuring I could never quit my job), I took care of the kids and coordinated everything, I coordinated all the doctor appointments with all his elderly relatives (including cancer treatments), I made all veteran's home arrangements for his uncle and tracked down copies of destroyed WWII documents to gain him entrance, I have always been the one to help kids with homework including college level, I have always made arrangements for home repairs or did them myself, I always took care of all refinances and all he had to do was show up and sign the documents, I have taken care of all dogs from puppyhood (and rabbits, and hamsters, and tarantulas), and on and on. So tonight I am just feeling incredibly tired and wishing I had someone to actually ease my burden for a change rather than adding to it.

Okay, I will give POS some credit. He was always good with ordering pizza and making car oil change appointments...

*sigh* Guess I will just have to plow forward, but some days it is incredibly difficult, like today...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:06 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

courageous posted 6/22/2013 08:00 AM

Yes I have felt that not only was it tiring but very lonely... Like in was the only person in the marriage. I helped put exwh through college, worked close to 60 hour weeks, came home to cook, clean, and do everything else because he needed "to relax after a stressful 3 classes of school" after kids I did everything like you did.

I am in awe of how much you actually did. Just hearing the list of things you did wore me out I think it's tough when only one spouse wants to treat the marriage as a partnership and the other wants to treated it like something to be used.

tryingagain74 posted 6/22/2013 09:09 AM

Yes. I got tired of being "of use." I think the reason that I was so resistant to learning about the financial end of things in our M is because I felt that I did almost everything else, and I wanted him to be solely responsible for something.

However, what I was responsible for does not even come close to what you were doing for him, Phoenix. FTG-- he sure did like to eat cake, didn't he? I hope he enjoys learning how to be a big boy since he will no longer have you to take care of everything!

Phoenix1 posted 6/22/2013 12:13 PM

I feel used and taken advantage of, and if I ever said anything about the inequity of the burden he would, in his passive aggressive way, imply that I was the one that wanted it that way because I am a control Nazi and everything has to be done my way. On the rare occasion when he actually did do something (he mowed the lawn once in a while but usually I did that too), he was always expecting special recognition and a gold star and felt he wasn't appreciated if he didn't get it...

Yeah, I enjoy working myself into an early grave because if I turned anything over to him it either wouldn't get done or it would be fucked up and I would have to fix an even bigger mess. Control Nazi, no, very practical, yes...

Yes, he enjoyed his cake eating. And he doesn't know it, but I have kept his major grad school papers because I wrote those fuckers anyway..... Petty, but it makes me feel better in a very small, insignificant way....

He will never find anyone else that is both as awesome as me AND willing to put up with his SA, PA, NPD, and hoarding!!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:30 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

IrishLass518 posted 6/22/2013 12:54 PM

Yes, my xWH told me that all the time and yes, I get so tired of it. I read a quote from a book recently, "I want to be comforted. I'm so tired of being strong. I want to be foolish and frightened for once. Just for a small while...a hour..." It just rang so deeply in me. That is how I feel.

npain posted 6/22/2013 19:13 PM

I totally can identify with you Phoenix...tired of being the strong one, the one who always has it all together. people aren't so compassionate when you are the strong on. They expect you to get over it quickly. Which when you are dealing with major trauma, you can't...

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