Ten days since D Day and I still cant function with any normality. My functions seem to swing from yin to yang. I sleep to much or not at all. Eating is not something I care to do at all but if I do I am sick after. I am so numb inside that I don't think I would even feel it if someone hit me with a bat. I zone out so much that I am afraid to drive anywhere so I don't hurt someone else. Oh God! Why can't I function. I am reasonably intelligent. I know what is going on inside of me, but somehow the pain is not something I can get a grip on. It rules me, not the other way around. I feel like I should be mad but that is not an emotion I have. My H keeps saying he is sorry for causing me pain and I hear the words but feel nothing for him having said them. My head continues to play the words he says to me now and back before D Day and compares them to the sonnets he spoke and wrote to the OW. In my mind I still seem unimportant to that man. I wonder how I can ever regain the trust I had given my H. It wasn't easy for me to give him complete trust the first time. I had been married before to a lied and was a cheat who physically and emotionally abused me and the kids. Funny, I married my 2nd husband 6 years after we met because he finally for a long period of time convinced me of his love, loyalty and honor. Not even one year later he had cheated. Boy do I feel stupid. Now I wonder if I married him because I was finally convinced or because in some strange way I sensed his wandering. I don't know and probably never will. I am so confused by this whole mess. I don't know which way to turn or what to do. My H says he wants to fix it but when he talks to me in that little boy way trying to make me smile, all I want to do is be sick. He says he loves me, but you don't love someone and just shut them out. He said he loved her too, was even planning for time they would be together, but had no problem walking up to her and saying "It is over!" There was no emotion in his words, on his face for her either. How can I know what he is feeling. We both were booted the same way, as something no longer useful, like trash. So where to go from here, I don't know. I do know I still love him. I know that at some point I will have the sense to make a decision as to weather to work on rebuilding some sort of relationship, or kicking him to the curb. I guess all I have left now is time.
Anyways I wanted to thank all of you who have posted to my thoughts and all of those of you who continue to post your thought and stories. You have helped me through time where I was not sure I would survive. I truly thank you for throwing me a line to hold on to when I felt my life ending. The pain is still there but I feel that I can bare it because of all of you. THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH!
