Then he tells me he ended his A because he was starting to have feelings for the OW and it scared him. I mean WTF??? How do I even begin to wrap my head around this?
Unfortunately you can't. My WH did and said something similar.
We were going through a very stressful time in our life. I tried talking to him about trying to work through the problems. One day he came home and asked for a separation. I had no idea he wanted to leave our marriage. I told him how I felt and for some reason he decided not to leave. I suspected an OW and he denied it. A year later I finally found out the truth. He didn't end the A when he decided not to leave and from what I can tell the A got more intense.
Is your DDay recent? I spent over a year going over and over what my WH did and the more I thought about it the more different scenarios I came up. I finally had to tell myself if I want to R I needed to stop trying to understand what WH did. This is a regular conversation I have with myself. There was no good reason that made any sense to me. The more I tried to find a good reason the more angry and hurt I became. So I had to stop thinking about what he did and think about the future and what I was going to do and what I needed him to do so I can stop worrying that he will do this again.
We have been going to MC and I have been very open about how I feel. WH says he is committed to changing how he reacts to stress and not running away by compartmentalizing and disengaging. He has committed to not hanging around people who make negative comments about marriage and wives.
If you want to R and come to sort of peace with how WH handled his "awful place" you need WH to understand what he did created what I described as a huge crack in the foundation of the marriage. He needs to admit what he has done in away that you know he understands how his behavior is damaging to your relationship. You need to feel secure and WH is someone you can rely on again. Importantly you need to see he is committed to change and wants you to trust him again.
Also, my WH finally admitted in MC his unhappiness was with himself and his insecurities. It had nothing to do with me. It is important your WH understands his "awful place in our marriage" and how he choose to handle it are about him not you.
Unfortunately, your WH is doing this in a hurtful way, not thinking of how this bullshit is going to make you feel. He should save this meandering for his IC, and think about YOU and what YOU need to heal.
I think they do this in attempt to explain themselves and it only makes it worse. MC has helped me through some of the crap WH said.
Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15
Gotta love the life that we livin'