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Jennifer99 posted 6/22/2013 08:27 AM

In-house separation feels like going to work for no paycheck.

I think I'm missing the point.

sodamnlost posted 6/22/2013 08:37 AM

I would love to hear more of this experience from you. My IC has often suggested maybe some form of "working separation" to give me head space and him healing space. My issue has always been the financial so lately she has asked me to consider doing an in house one.

tryingagain74 posted 6/22/2013 09:16 AM

That sounds about right, but then, I was working on a LS and headed toward D. I did IHS for eight months. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone because it delays your healing and ability to move on. I had several emotional setbacks. It's only now that I am starting to feel healed, 20 months past DDay, and I imagine it would have been sooner if I had been able to leave sooner.

But, financially and location-wise, I did what I had to do at the time. The other bonus: any time I felt like getting a D was the wrong decision (this is based on my experience, not for those attempting R), XWH would do or say something to reaffirm my belief that a D was the best option. So, that was a silver lining, I suppose.

(((all IHS folk)))

laney57 posted 6/22/2013 09:24 AM

If there is any other way... Run. I'm in it now, and I wake up every day feeling aweful. This is cruel punishment for a BS. Hopefully you have friends and family to get you through, I have nothing right now but my children who do not have a clue. (Good and bad). I smile as much as I can. Starting a new job on Monday though!! So hope is good :). Take care!

laney57 posted 6/22/2013 09:25 AM

Jennifer,
If you have any tips... They are welcome!

Jennifer99 posted 6/22/2013 10:23 AM

I have no help for anyone else. Its not going well here.

He (WH) refuses to respect boundaries. He keeps making lame attempts (vs. real ones via truth, transparency, IC, MC) to get me to "move past this" and "get back to being friends" and in his head that includes "with benefits".

I don't really want to be his friend.

In my head as long as he's still thinking of OW as his one true love there is no point in us. Fine, I decide I'll work on me.

In the beginning I encouraged him to find an occupation, go back to school, find what besides her would make him whole again...

Now I just have to repeat "leave me alone unless it has to do with a bill or the kid".

He just thinks he is so damned charming no one can resist him.

He can't understand that any waking minute that I am functional will be working towards the now and the future - healing me, bettering me (via school), bettering my relationship with my son before he hits his teens (lol), bettering my health. He doesn't understand why I can't even listen to his "chit chat".

I don't have time to listen to what he thinks of the latest news on CNN, what he thinks of his family, what he thinks about other people, etc.

It takes me getting down right mean - "LEAVE ME ALONE" before he'll listen and then its just until he thinks I am over my "mood". Its like he doesn't believe anything I say. I don't think he will until we are in separate homes.

But until I finish school and until he has some means of supporting himself there is just no point in trying that as then we'd both need more time to help our son.

Jennifer99 posted 6/22/2013 10:25 AM

And no, haven't told friends/family. Just IC.

And it hurts so much everyday when my son will say something like "see, Dad still loves you".

I don't know why he thinks he needs to say that or if WH has talked to him without me?

tryingagain74 posted 6/22/2013 17:39 PM

Jennifer99: It sounds like your WH is partially in denial (because gee, having your assets divided and having to pay CS/SS really sucks... he'd much rather have his cake and eat it too) and partially working to convince himself that he's really a "nice guy." I had to draw the line with my then-WH as well. I used one of the famous SI lines, "Friends don't do to each other what you did to me," when he blabbered about staying friends or he attempted to be friendly. I stopped establishing eye contact, left any room he entered as soon as I could, and often answered him with either grunts or extremely simple words like "No" that didn't invite conversation. I also used the SI line, "You fired me from that job" when he wanted to talk like we were still a closely married couple. I also got out of the house as often as I could and would watch TV on my laptop up in my bedroom so I was free of him most evenings. Those are just a few ideas you might try if you haven't done so already. Keep being cold to him-- eventually, he'll see that it's not just a passing mood.

Your DS is probably aware that something is wrong. My oldest would often say things that made me wonder how much he knew. Next time he asks you that, I would ask him why. If your WH has been talking to him, your DS will likely spill the beans. My XWH tried to get my kids to "keep a secret" (his engagement to the OW), and they kept it for all of two minutes.

Jennifer99 posted 6/22/2013 19:27 PM

You fired me from that job

I have rearranged my routines/schedule to be as nearly opposite him I can. I do stay in my room mostly so my son refers to our time together as "visiting mommy in her room".

I work all day and do school work all night or run with my son. I go away almost all weekend every weekend, sometimes with my son, sometimes not.

So far this weekend its been better.

I finally told him I have been going to IC. Now he blames "that woman" (IC doc) for me being "cold". I told him no, that would be "that OTHER woman and you".

Its hard when my son wants us to do things together. I begged off an excursion last weekend blaming school work. So this weekend when another excursion was scheduled I had to spend the day with them. My son was happy. I stayed as disconnected from WH as possible. I did get a "thank you" for going

Next weekend will be worse. Its a preplanned, prebought trip with my family. He begged off last year saying he had to work and they crucified him for it. I don't think he'll skip going this year. I've thought about offering his ticket to one of my son's friends and telling my family that I didn't want him to come but then that would start a pile of stuff I don't want.

I've thought about printing out the one thing I've seen here on SI - its got the 4 something before R?? Honesty and transparency are in there. I thought I might give it to him and say when you can meet this - then you can talk to me about us - then we'll see if we can still be friends and go from there.

Honestly right now I wish I could get him to leave me alone all the time so I can focus on me.

I repeated that to him last night when he was trying to pick a fight with me about me going to IC. I told him - shocker - that this was nothing about him, it was about me, for me and to stay the hell out of it, pretty much what I've been asking him to do for months now.

It'll work for a little bit, then it won't, he'll start trying to be nice, pack my lunch, check on me if I'm too quiet, sneak up on me in the shower.

For a little bit I thought all those things meant there was an us. Until I found SI and started reading. Now I know what it will take for me to feel better and he won't even want to hear it and now he'll think my IC put me up to it. At least I won't have to tell him about SI.

Jennifer99 posted 6/22/2013 19:31 PM

Oh and we have no assets to divide unless my retirement plan counts. He has $0. He has no job. I would most likely have to pay him SS/CS IF he even stuck around and didn't disappear to his f'ed up family.

I could literally pack anything from this life I wanted in my car and be gone in < 1 hour except for my son's 2 rooms of STUFF! I've embraced minimalism! It means I'm always ready to go.

I already gave him doubles of family pics/pics of son. I have a plan laid out on my school laptop - who to call to term/change names on utilities/lease/insurance/etc.

I have mom&dad, sis, brother - any of whom would make room for me (but jeesh o pete I'm 40something).

jimbo25319 posted 6/22/2013 21:14 PM

I'm living the "in house separation" thing right now and it's a living hell.

Financially if, or when I move, it's going to be hell. WW doesn't make enough money to support herself and stay in the home. Oh well. I told her if I leave and the house get's foreclosed on, so be it. That's on her.

dbellanon posted 6/22/2013 21:44 PM

This sounds very familiar. Especially the "chit chat" part. I actually just posted about something similar earlier today:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=499868&HL=39236

And judging from the responses in that thread, I don't think there are any easy answers for people in our situation. It's a messy transitional situation with no clear rules. I wish I had some good advice. Instead, I just have a world of sympathy and compassion. Hang in there. We'll get through this, and eventually we'll get out.

Ostrich80 posted 6/22/2013 21:56 PM

Oh the kids...guilt trip. I refused to go on a "date" with ws when I confirmed who ow was. He has this way of making the kids feel sorry for him. My DD actually told me I was hurting dads feelings. Grrr I didn't want to tell
the reason but he made me look like the bad guy. That's a tough one especially if the ws is not playing fair and trying to put pressure on by using the kids.