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advice please!

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lost100 posted 6/22/2013 09:05 AM

He had an EA ending in Dec 2012 when I found out. He had a PA 15 years before that also stooped when I found out, he also watched porn on his own. He says he is full of regret about his actions and promised nothing like this will happen again.
I know he masturbates at times I do not have a problem with this except for my selfish reasons i.e. what is wrong with me.

We have remained together.

Separate rooms for 4 months (my choice)since April we share the same bed.

He does not want to have sex with me and has not wanted to for many years.

He says it is him not me. He says he wants us to get intimate and have sex again.

We have just come back from a 'romantic' weekend away we got on really well but he made no move to have intimacy with me.

In the past I have made moves to him but after being rebutted so many times I stopped. There is only so much hurt I could take. my self worth is very low.

He also said many times he likes to be in control and make the moves.

In fairness he is a good father & grandfather he will do anything for me except sex!

I always say actions speak louder than words and if the words and actions don't add up look at the actions.

If he was not unfaithful I would accept this sexless marriage even though I know it is an important aspect of life.

I am so full of hurt and doubt. I know counselling is an option. I would really like to hear your views.

Have you ever heard of such a thing? we have been married a long time; our lives are very intertwined with family/ finances. Hopefully you can help me find some answers.

atsenaotie posted 6/22/2013 09:20 AM

lost100, the answers are not yours to find, they are his. Are you willing to accept a M with little to no sex?

I understand your position as I am in a similar one. At least for now I accept little sex with her. I have pushed thus as an issue, and over the last year it has improved. But when you start at near zero, an improvement is still not much.

JustWow posted 6/22/2013 09:33 AM


I have heard of such a thing. I have lived that way. For many years. When H was an active sex addict (unbeknownst to me).

Sexual Addiction is an intimacy disorder. They often cannot be sexual with those they are emotionally close to. They often masturbate excessively and act out secretly sexually with others.

It often develops in childhood or early adolesence as a result of abuse or neglect. What starts out as an unhealthy childhood comfort turns into an addictive obsession. It can also develop from excessive porn exposure, but that line is fuzzy because sometimes the addiction is already in place and the addict becomes addicted to the porn they use to maturbate.

The term that get used for how they behave ith their spouse is sexual aneorexia or sexual aversion.

you can find more info on They have questionaires and listings of CSAT (certified sex addiction therapists) by location.

It is an addiction, but it is treatable. Similar to an alcoholic, sobriety can be achieved and healthier coping skills learned. Unlike alcoholism, the SA can learn healthy sexuality and can refrain from addictive behaviors. It is maybe more similar to an eating disorder n that respect, where healthy management of food has to be learned because food, unlike alcohol, cannot be lived without.

This might or might not be your issue. But your post sounded painfully famliar to me.

There can be recovery from SA, and there can be R for the M. Our experience is that it takes longer, but it can be done.

lost100 posted 6/27/2013 08:19 AM

Thank you both for your replies. It certainly is giving me food for thought.

Knowing posted 6/27/2013 09:37 AM

During my fWH's A we went on vacation, slept in the same bed and didn't have sex once. It had been a very dry year for us and I completely expected sex. It's part of what made his A glaringly obvious.

If you are certain there isn't an AP right now then perhaps more open, honest conversation about your sex life is needed? Maybe see an MC or couples sex therapist if those conversations are too uncomfortable for you?

There are so many ways to respond to your partner's sexual needs I can hardly wrap my head around a complete lack of sex now, but I remember a time when I was too shy for exploration.

You say you haven't initiated for fear of rebuttal, could he be not initiating out of guilt? It may be time to take control (he may like it!)

Nonetheless, if I were you I'd get into IC to have someone to talk about this issue with IRL, if you're not already.

Certainly SA should be explored if things don't get better with simpler approaches.

Lack of sex in an M is a pretty big deal to me, but I have a tendency to over-simplify things and I see sex as as the big distinguisher between M and friendship.

[This message edited by Knowing at 9:38 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

lost100 posted 6/28/2013 13:04 PM

Thank you 'knowing'. Your thoughts have helped me a lot.
I will keep working at it.

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