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What outcome would a letter to OW have?

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hurtingarmywife posted 6/22/2013 10:31 AM

Does anyone know if it is possible to get into legal trouble by sending a letter to the OW? I just want her to know the blackmailing didn't work. I know she is very unstable and I do worry about her parents coming back at me in some way.Actually, I would feel terrible if she hurt herself.

I am old enough to be her mother. Definitly don't want to do anything to get into legal trouble. I would not make threats of any kind. I just want her to know everything backfired on her and how sad it must be to feel the only way to keep a man in her life is to blackmail him.

Ashland13 posted 6/22/2013 10:42 AM

Well, everyone of us is different and every OW is different, but the one interaction with Perv's OW I had (electronic) was horrendous. It made me almost throw out my phone to get rid of her and she actually proceed to bully and yell at me.

Like you, hurting, there have been many things I've wanted to tell her, like you feel, but she will have to learn them herself, as I did. I even feel bad for her and wanted at one point to write and make sure she knew the true depth of deceit Perv is capable of, but I imagine she will learn it someday herself-and already is.

One recommendation is to write it all out, but don't send it. It could backfire on you even with your good intentions-many things get twisted in the world of OW in Perv's instance-I speak of "her" so as not to generalize-I don't know about OW in your WH's case, but I also don't ever hear of anything good or what we want coming out of correspondence with such people.

OW in Perv's case "won" and he abandoned us, but my comforts are starting to slowly accumulate. I've sometimes been suspicious that Perv has been blackmailed or threatened, but I also am aware of life enough to know that he made the choice, regardless of how it all went down. He's paying dearly now.

I'm glad it's working out for you and hope your M will be stronger for it.

This is a popular topic on Si so I imagine others will come along with things to say.

hurtingarmywife posted 6/22/2013 10:45 AM

Thanks so much Ashland 13! I wish you the best!

Vulcanized posted 6/22/2013 11:21 AM

I just want her to know the blackmailing didn't work. I know she is very unstable and I do worry about her parents coming back at me in some way.

If she is mentally unstable, then taunting her is prolly not a great idea. Why would her parents come back at you?

I just want her to know everything backfired on her and how sad it must be to feel the only way to keep a man in her life is to blackmail him.

Either let it go. Or write it out & post it here. DO NOT give OW an ounce of attention. Don't even let it know you think about it. It wants attention; don't let it have any.

brokenblackbird posted 6/22/2013 11:31 AM

Totally ignoring her would be enough to let her know it all backfired on her.

Writing to OW is inviting her back to create drama. Don't let her know she means anything to you now or in the future.

By all means, write it out for yourself, but don't send it to her. Whatever you have to say, she wouldn't really hear anyway.

hurtingarmywife posted 6/22/2013 11:54 AM

Thanks for the good advice!!

Jrazz posted 6/22/2013 12:03 PM

Totally ignoring her would be enough to let her know it all backfired on her.

Yep. I know it feels inactive, but believe us when we tell you that the world's most effective way to tell them they're meaningless is by not wasting our breath.

(((hurting)))

wtf2 posted 6/22/2013 12:38 PM

Just to echo what everyone else said. Crickets is the best revenge.

daledge posted 6/22/2013 16:04 PM

I would NOT do it. She will love it. Imagine she is a thief. Actually she is.
Would you write a letter to the thief and tell him how horrible he is?

Ignore her. That would be the most insulting. Work on you and your life. Far more productive.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/22/2013 16:32 PM

I have thought about sending the parents and siblings of OW a letter. In fact, I hear she is also with another married man behind my XH back, so I've thought about getting PI on her and sending all pix to her parents anonomously and putting a short letter with it...like...get your daughter some help...

but... I could go see the OW any time I want, but I know it would give her something else to laugh about behind my back....hey,,, I've just had a brilliant idea. Get the PI to get pix of her with the OM I just found out about, and the next time she and my XH are out to dinner,,, when she goes to the restroom, I could have a friend hand him the dated pix of her w/ this other guy!!!!

My children are not home, so I have time to do all this daydreaming! LOL

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:34 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

BeautifulEmpty posted 6/22/2013 18:02 PM

I don't believe they learn until they experience it too and sometimes, not even then. They look forward to letters from BS's so they can gloat...even if they don't end up with the guy. They could turn his eye from us and make him forget us so they are magical and we are merely mundane.
A letter is an invitation to argue. To project ( a baffling thing that will leave you reeling even when you know it's not true). To tell you how much they helped you by showing you what kind of man you are married to. To explain how much you hurt them. To tell you how much your husband shared of YOU with them...things you never, EVER want to know. You'll also hear every damned lie that he ever said about you as we'll as all she could think up to justify herself.
It is rare that even if they are truly remorseful, they will ever tell you.
Their 'remorse' is often more about their pain and loneliness than what they did to you. Boo hoo, feel sorry for me because I hurt too!
I don't know if I'll get in trouble for generalizing and of course, there are exceptions to every rule but this has been my long term experience and obviously, the experience of any number of BS on this site which is why most say don't send that letter.
Tell us all about it...cry it out here.
If you send her anything, tell her to fuck off and nothing else. She won't care about your pain.
I am so sorry that you even need to feel this way.

hurtingarmywife posted 6/22/2013 18:36 PM

I appreciate all the advice! So thankful I found this website!

Me-52
WH-54
DDay-Jan.31,2013


[This message edited by hurtingarmywife at 6:37 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

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