SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

dbellanon posted 6/22/2013 19:06 PM

My WW and I are still in the middle of our in-house separation while she looks for a place to move. Today, she got back from a week-long conference in India and has been unusually chatty.

She was very friendly and upbeat, volunteering lots of information about her trip, asking me questions about my week with our daughter. I was courteous enough, but reticent and somewhat terse. Frustrated, she said, "What are you not ever going to talk to me again?" Over the course of the evening, I loosened up a bit more, but not much.

I wish situations like this came with a guidebook. It feels like there are too many dimensions. I think that she wants to have a connection with me, wants to be able to talk to me, at least to a certain extent, like she used to. But of course, she has no interest in being married to me. I've been trying to stay distant, but this is difficult when living together, and a part of me wonders if she is just trying to ease the tension a little.

If there hadn't been any affair involved, I suppose my response would be obvious. I've heard plenty of stories of spouses who reunited after being separated for a time, sometimes gradually rebuilding their rapport, starting with just simple, cordial conversation. If it were just a matter of my wife wanting a divorce, then I would certainly want to make as much room for that as possible.

But because of the affair, I feel like allowing her to try to move us in a more friendly direction when she still hasn't confronted the severity of what she did to me is just allowing her to sweep things under the rug. I'm sure that she would love to be able to divorce me, live whatever kind of single life she wants, date other men, whatever, continuing to think of her affair simply as a transitional relationship, AND have a nice friendly no-strings-attached conversational relationship with me. It's the best of both worlds right? She gets her "freedom" while still being able to rely on me for the kinds of things she used to.

To be fair, I understand it. I miss just being able to talk with my wife about my day, to just share a laugh about whatever cute things my daughter did while she was with me. I'm sure she probably feels the same way. I guess the question is whether I should make any room for that at this point?

[This message edited by dbellanon at 7:11 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

Emptyshelldad posted 6/22/2013 19:19 PM

I agree with you; if she has no interest in being married with you, then I wouldn't do anything YOU don't want to. you can be cordial, but just get what you want out of your newly changed relationship dynamic. if you feel like talking, do that.
I myself wouldn't feel like I need to punish her further, as that would require effort on my part. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, it's not indifference. Her punishment is that she no longer gets your love, and I always felt like that was the worst punishment, because I'm awesome

Take2 posted 6/22/2013 19:57 PM

I think a lot of WS want that.

They want a friendly relationship, emotional support. They want you to be there when no one else is. They want you to be there when they are in a bind, help them around the house... And maybe even some nookie on the side - if you are both in the same place. I mean you are both adults. (Just don't question what else is going on in their private lives...)

Basically they want the relationship that you had when you were married -- but before you discovered that they were cheating. Only this is better - no guilt.

It's called cake-eating. They can take what they want and leave the rest. And you can do that if you want to! But if you really love her, if deep down you still want her to be the loyal wife you knew, and your very best friend - it will likely suck your soul dry. (IMHO)

tryingagain74 posted 6/22/2013 20:00 PM

Ditto what Take2 said.

And:

I miss just being able to talk with my wife about my day, to just share a laugh about whatever cute things my daughter did while she was with me. I'm sure she probably feels the same way. I guess the question is whether I should make any room for that at this point?

In a word: no. Stick to the 180. Your marriage is over. She doesn't get to have the benefits that come with that relationship.

I remember this stage with my WXH all too well, and I also did in-house separation. The sooner you cut her off and end that kind of interaction, the better off you will be. That sort of playacting at still being married would set me back emotionally, and I didn't deserve to be toyed with like that. Neither do you.

(((dbellanon)))

Emptyshelldad posted 6/22/2013 20:06 PM

Sorry my phone was dying so i had to be really brief, perhaps so brief that the point i was making cant be truly conveyed. So im adding to it.
When I say that the opposite of love is indifference, i just mean that you shouldn't give her any power over you. Just be like "im sorry, but you matter so little now, that I honestly dont care to even talk to you". But only if thats how you feel. I extrapulate from your post that you are worried that she is getting to have her cake and eat it too if you allow her to have the "freedom" of her single life, but still get the emotional support of having a loving supportive communicative husband around. I agree with this, which is why i say, get what YOU want from the relationship, without really concerning yourself with what she is trying to get. People tend to get a dismissive feeling from you when your indifferent because your every action conveys that she doesnt get the ego boost of knowing that she occupies your thoughts at all.
All that being said though, i know that her decision to do this is sooooo selfish that it implies she is in la la land and is minimulizing her wholly selfish decision to tear your family apart and shred you in the process. The part that I think is hard for all of us, is this fear that the betrayer goes off and lives a much happier life while we lie in ruin in their wake. So we then seek to make them feel bad by saying "no you dont get to talk to me (silent type treatment)" or by brow beating them about how badly they hurt us. Really, whether they realize now or ever, we know its because they feel empty or hollow and they think the problem is something external; like their marriage partner, or their career, or fill in the blank. But really its within them. And, since we as the faithful partner, may not necessarily suffer from this empty hollowness, we move on with our lives and lead fulfilling lives without them.
I know lots of people who have left marriages after affairs or midlife crisis and I can tell you, none of them is any happier until they fix what was missing in them in the first place. Only in the movies does the affair lead to a lasting loving relationship, because its a relationship made of two really broken people, and when you add shitty + shitty, you get = drummroolllll......shitty.
So please try to focus on making you and your life better and she will flail about never really feeling better about herself, and hating that you feel great and your life is going great or even better without her.

dbellanon posted 6/22/2013 21:23 PM

The advice to think about what I can get out of this I think is insightful, and it's not a way that I'm used to thinking. I'm not used to seeing a relationship as a means to an end, but this may be how I have to think of this one. There are things that I could stand to gain by having a more friendly relationship with my STBX. The happier she is with me, the more likely she is to cooperate when it comes to our shared parenting, for instance. The one thing I wouldn't get out of it is a sense of justice. But I suppose I wasn't going to get that anyway.

[This message edited by dbellanon at 9:24 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]