She was very friendly and upbeat, volunteering lots of information about her trip, asking me questions about my week with our daughter. I was courteous enough, but reticent and somewhat terse. Frustrated, she said, "What are you not ever going to talk to me again?" Over the course of the evening, I loosened up a bit more, but not much.
I wish situations like this came with a guidebook. It feels like there are too many dimensions. I think that she wants to have a connection with me, wants to be able to talk to me, at least to a certain extent, like she used to. But of course, she has no interest in being married to me. I've been trying to stay distant, but this is difficult when living together, and a part of me wonders if she is just trying to ease the tension a little.
If there hadn't been any affair involved, I suppose my response would be obvious. I've heard plenty of stories of spouses who reunited after being separated for a time, sometimes gradually rebuilding their rapport, starting with just simple, cordial conversation. If it were just a matter of my wife wanting a divorce, then I would certainly want to make as much room for that as possible.
But because of the affair, I feel like allowing her to try to move us in a more friendly direction when she still hasn't confronted the severity of what she did to me is just allowing her to sweep things under the rug. I'm sure that she would love to be able to divorce me, live whatever kind of single life she wants, date other men, whatever, continuing to think of her affair simply as a transitional relationship, AND have a nice friendly no-strings-attached conversational relationship with me. It's the best of both worlds right? She gets her "freedom" while still being able to rely on me for the kinds of things she used to.
To be fair, I understand it. I miss just being able to talk with my wife about my day, to just share a laugh about whatever cute things my daughter did while she was with me. I'm sure she probably feels the same way. I guess the question is whether I should make any room for that at this point?
[This message edited by dbellanon at 7:11 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]
They want a friendly relationship, emotional support. They want you to be there when no one else is. They want you to be there when they are in a bind, help them around the house... And maybe even some nookie on the side - if you are both in the same place. I mean you are both adults. (Just don't question what else is going on in their private lives...)
Basically they want the relationship that you had when you were married -- but before you discovered that they were cheating. Only this is better - no guilt.
It's called cake-eating. They can take what they want and leave the rest. And you can do that if you want to! But if you really love her, if deep down you still want her to be the loyal wife you knew, and your very best friend - it will likely suck your soul dry. (IMHO)
I miss just being able to talk with my wife about my day, to just share a laugh about whatever cute things my daughter did while she was with me. I'm sure she probably feels the same way. I guess the question is whether I should make any room for that at this point?
In a word: no. Stick to the 180. Your marriage is over. She doesn't get to have the benefits that come with that relationship.
I remember this stage with my WXH all too well, and I also did in-house separation. The sooner you cut her off and end that kind of interaction, the better off you will be. That sort of playacting at still being married would set me back emotionally, and I didn't deserve to be toyed with like that. Neither do you.
[This message edited by dbellanon at 9:24 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]