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soldierNarmywife posted 6/22/2013 20:30 PM

When me and my husband were in MC, I told him I didn't feel he was sorry even though he apologized. She asked me what would help me feel like he was sorry, cause i knew he was but i just didn't feel it. I said i just want some flowers every now and then for no apparent reason. Have a received any? No, not just random ones, of course i got them on valentines day and mothers day/birthday.

He says they are stupid, and waste of money. And the MC explained to him that its not how he feels, but how i feel. But he has yet to do it for me.

I feel like hes not trying. He says he wants to stay together and work this out. Why cant he do this simple task to help me heal?

sorry for typos

Pass posted 6/22/2013 22:05 PM

He is showing you how important your feelings are to him. Nice guy!

MovingUpward posted 6/22/2013 23:14 PM

He might not understand your love language. Gifts mean something to you but they are not his love language. Try reading the five love languages together and see if that might shine some light on things or at least bring up this book suggestion in MC and see what MC thinks.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/23/2013 08:28 AM

Perhaps you should tell him that making you feel special once in a while is NOT stupid or a waste of money..

Flowers or gifts always made me feel good because it proved that he was thinking about me when we weren't together. Like he took the time to do something nice for me when we were apart. Given what he was doing with his time when you guys were apart before, his refusal to do this now seems like a dick move on his part..

Alex CR posted 6/23/2013 08:45 AM

I used to think it made me subservient if I did things my H wanted like put out a jug of ice water when he was working outside or get him a cup of coffee.....dumb, I know, but I grew up in the 60's and took the women's lib movement a little bit too far.

It was only after taking the test and reading Five Love Languages that I realized acts of service is sooooo much my H's love language which is why all these years he's done so many things for me without question....it's really what he wants from me.

Of all the work I've done since DDay, doing simple acts of service for my H that make him feel loved has reaped benefits for our marriage I couldn't have imagined.

I kick myself now for not learning this sooner....... and hate that I treated him that way for so many years.

Learning it isn't how I feel about those things, but instead, how important H feels about it has added so much to our M. I highly recommend the test and the book......

frankiebaby posted 6/23/2013 09:06 AM

It was only after taking the test and reading Five Love Languages that I realized acts of service is sooooo much my H's love language which is why all these years he's done so many things for me without question....it's really what he wants from me.

Of all the work I've done since DDay, doing simple acts of service for my H that make him feel loved has reaped benefits for our marriage I couldn't have imagined.

THIS. It's such a huge part of a relationship wen you make a point of doing things for your spouse that might not necessarily come naturally to you. Your gut instinct is right-- he's not trying. Saying that something that is important to you is "stupid" and a "waste of money" speaks volumes IMO.

soldierNarmywife posted 6/23/2013 11:32 AM

We have done the 5 languages of love. When i first did it, Gifts wasn't mine. It was physical touch and quality time. I think its changed now, to gifts. I don't know why but Ill have to do it again.

His was words of affirmation and acts of service. Which i believe i always adhere too. I am always giving him praise like hes in Air Assault school right now and I tell him that hes doing great and that hes going to graduate it with no mistakes and i do things around the house that are normally "his" jobs because i feel nice and give him a break.

Maybe i need to have him read the book again.

I ordered the book " How to help my spouse heal" and I am hoping it will be a good book. I plan on reading it first.

I am getting back into counseling at least IC. After the first one I am going to request to MC as well, I wanted to wait until after Air Assault school to start on MC again. Thanks for the feed back, Since things have slowed down after our move, I've just been bombarded with feelings again.

OnAnIsland posted 6/23/2013 15:29 PM

Gifts is likely one of mine as well. But both WH and I noticed that given the quiz wording, I wouldn't really score as gifts being a love language because I have/had those needs so neglected for so long. (For parents through WH- buy yourself what you want.... Paired with a frugality about spending money on myself= not frequent gifts)

Hang in there. Keep telling him what you want and need. Be specific. If he acknowledges it and doesn't do it- you will see how much you matter to him.

I btw am in that same place. I keep stating my needs and boundaries. When I see them acknowledged verbally but ignored in action, I write it down in my journal and talk it through with IC. Sooner or later I will have had enough. Same with you maybe.

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