I think I get over the lies but when I find out she lied to me again the hurt starts all over again. I do not know what to tell you other than you are not alone.
Some WS just seem to be so messed up inside that they cannot change. I believe my WW was abused in several ways when she was a child and her need for external validation just won't let go of her.
But for what that is worth, let me say it gives me some comfort when I can sometimes make myself believe that it is not my fault or something lacking in me. I am just now learning that I do not have to accept the blame for her issues, even though she is an absolute expert at projecting fault onto me to justify her weaknesses.
Her treachery is torture to be sure but until something external happens to her you won't be able to "Make" her change. She will have to come to that realization herself. My current question is, am I going to wait around any longer to see if it ever happens.
There is also something to be said for the WH's she keeps choosing to participate in her affairs. They have not been any help to her or us and I can't help but wonder what their problems are as well. I really do have hope that they will all learn to change but I am afraid that will come at a pace way too slow for my needs.
Hang in there, and take some comfort that you are leading your way out of this for yourself, if not for her too.
But do not make threats you are not willing to back up. If this is the stance you make stick with it. I think you already know that you are in false R. Her lying to the therapist as well as you only shows that she is just going through the motions. And that's no way to live my man. Unless YOU make changes. Changes will never occur. She will never be honest with you as long as you allow her to continue to lie to you. This is just fact, I'm not trying to be a hard ass. And trust me the lies will spread into every other aspect of your M. Pretty soon you will be living a life that has no basis in reality. The only weapon at your disposal now is to remove yourself from this horror. If she wants the M to heal she will be forthcoming with the info. If not she will continue to lie. The ball is in your court. Good luck.
In retrospect, I/we realize that the lying was the slippery slope into his A. He kept reassuring me that his "friendship" was innocent. That really killed a part of me, I believe.
He eventually ended up openly answering my questions about the A after one week of me dragging information out of him. His guilt was eating at him. But then he lied to be about being no contact with the filthy whore for 3 months after. In his mind, if there was no sex, it was okay.
I made the condition for R total honesty. But like others have said, counselors have told me that he may not be capable of that, since this terrible "coping mechanism" started in his earliest childhood. As a result, I have PTSD, frequent nightmares and terrible self-esteem issues. I work out and get attention from men, but it is fleeting. I have come to realize I will always feel like damaged goods.
So we limp forward. He insists he is telling the truth. And when I think he is lying I tell him, instead of choking it back and accepting that is who he is. It is unacceptable to be lied to, even about small, seemingly trivial things.
I will pray for you and your sweet children. It is certainly possible for you to provide them a safe and stable environment even as a single father. I hope you find your answers. Take care.