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How do u get over the lies?

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Exrev posted 6/22/2013 23:46 PM

I'm 3 yrs now post dday, and j just want to say to everyone how sorry I am that you're even here but j have to say since I've been on SI it's been nice to know I'm not alone. This is my first time post anything. My wife (we're still together) had been lying our whole marriage about various things and couldn't come clean after the affair details. The truth didn't trickle out I had to keep pushing and pushing (which did more damage than the affair j believe). I'm not sure I ever got the truth. I still struggle with never knowing what's real and what's not. There were no red flags I ignored nor was our marriage bad. She says she was just (screwed up). During the A I asked several times what was wrong and why she was so distant and if there was anything I was doing wrong as a husband that shed like me to change, and each time shed say 'no' that I was the best and she was lucky to have me. So I wonder, do u ever come to the place where u believe the affections not an act? Maybe someone further along this road can help? Thanks in advance

Gr8Lady posted 6/23/2013 00:15 AM

Have you two considered or attempted counseling of any type.
It is indeed sad to see so many face infidelity.
Respect and honesty are important to me. It is difficult to comprehend how my ws could so easily stray from the truth, without conscience. Tough concept to understand. How hard is it to tell the truth? I am referring to denial about infidelities as well as lies about other aspects of their life.
Fidelity, financial responsibility are
essential in my relationships with both friends and family.
I understand your comment completely.
As difficult as it may be for them to be truthful, I would welcome the ugly truth over lies any day.
That is the only way to heal.
Your children are a rainbow in the storm. Cherish.

Exrev posted 6/23/2013 00:35 AM

Wow. I read what people like u have been thru and I think how stupid I must sound. Yes ma'am we went to counseling for 6 months and she continually lied to him too, confessing almost weekly that what she had told him and me the previous week wasn't true. The counsellor also told me that it was unreasonable for me to expect her to stop cold turkey cause it was so ingrained in her. That kinda pissed me off at first but now I can see he was right. She puts a lot off effort into us and is very convincing. And yes ma'am my kids are amazing.

Gr8Lady posted 6/23/2013 03:14 AM

Good for you on the counciling. Glad yo feel connected. What I have learned most importantly, is the behavior/response must be changed.
I cannot force him to tell the truth or police his behavior 24/7.
Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, to initiate healing and letting go of the pain.
I have had hope many many times, but after a short counseling over the years ( which in prior years WS never admitted affairs). The financial instability was always there, lying and justifying insignificant things. I believe many behaviors go hand in hand.
The end result is changing behavior. One cannot change what they cannot acknowledge. Admission and accountability is key. Not scolding WS, but teaching/learning relationship skills, both partners have to learn and grow, one can't carry the ball for the WS
A book that has helped me is. "When your lover is a liar". Fantastic
The other one that hit home for me was. "Women who love too much". Still reading, and it has my name all over it,
It is heartwarming to a lady as me that has been betrayed for so long, to hear a BH struggle with the same from their spouse.
Hopefully your efforts and sincerity will make a difference.
Full moon tonight. Insomnia... I will drag out of bed tomorrow for church dog tired!

TwoHearts posted 6/23/2013 05:09 AM

I just wanted to day that I have a WW who has been lying to me for 20 years. I did not know it until 12 years ago but she has not stopped none the less. She has had at least 5 long term sexual affairs and is currently going back to one she broke up with a while ago. To say that you cannot change someone else until they want to change is the understatement of the world.

I think I get over the lies but when I find out she lied to me again the hurt starts all over again. I do not know what to tell you other than you are not alone.

Some WS just seem to be so messed up inside that they cannot change. I believe my WW was abused in several ways when she was a child and her need for external validation just won't let go of her.

But for what that is worth, let me say it gives me some comfort when I can sometimes make myself believe that it is not my fault or something lacking in me. I am just now learning that I do not have to accept the blame for her issues, even though she is an absolute expert at projecting fault onto me to justify her weaknesses.

Her treachery is torture to be sure but until something external happens to her you won't be able to "Make" her change. She will have to come to that realization herself. My current question is, am I going to wait around any longer to see if it ever happens.

There is also something to be said for the WH's she keeps choosing to participate in her affairs. They have not been any help to her or us and I can't help but wonder what their problems are as well. I really do have hope that they will all learn to change but I am afraid that will come at a pace way too slow for my needs.

Hang in there, and take some comfort that you are leading your way out of this for yourself, if not for her too.

stronger08 posted 6/23/2013 05:09 AM

Welcome my friend. I was M to a woman like your WW. In the end it was the constant lying that made me decide to D. Also like you everything I knew about her A had to be either dragged out or investigated by me. She would not admit anything until I already knew. As it turned out the betrayal was much deeper and much longer than I had assumed. One thing I have learned about infidelity is that you can not R without remorse. And remorse can not be achieved while still lying and hiding details. If she disrespects you enough to cheat and continue to lie about it. Well brother she is not truly sorry nor remorseful. And chances are she will repeat the cheating again at one point or another. So where does that leave you ? You can stay in the M and continue to be disrespected. Drive yourself insane trying to uncover the truth. Keep looking over your shoulder for the next one. Or you can say enough is enough. Tell her that she must come clean with verifiable proof that this is what actually happened. Tell her if she cant you have no other alternative but to seek a D.

But do not make threats you are not willing to back up. If this is the stance you make stick with it. I think you already know that you are in false R. Her lying to the therapist as well as you only shows that she is just going through the motions. And that's no way to live my man. Unless YOU make changes. Changes will never occur. She will never be honest with you as long as you allow her to continue to lie to you. This is just fact, I'm not trying to be a hard ass. And trust me the lies will spread into every other aspect of your M. Pretty soon you will be living a life that has no basis in reality. The only weapon at your disposal now is to remove yourself from this horror. If she wants the M to heal she will be forthcoming with the info. If not she will continue to lie. The ball is in your court. Good luck.

Exrev posted 6/23/2013 07:40 AM

All I can say us WOW! I can't believe what some of you have gone/are going thru. Gr8lady I'm so so very sorry. No one should ever have to live with what you've had to live with. Thank you. I think ill check out that book. It's hard to accept that the one you love so much might never change. Stronger08 I know ur right. I never knew my real father and I had 5 step dads. We were on the run from the law for 12 years. All I ever wanted was a stable loving home and I've worked so hard to give that to my kids. I want so much to start over with someone else some days but I cannot hear the thought of not seeing my kids everyday. They are my world and the only ones who have ever truly loved me, so I try to just accept reality instead of driving myself crazy searching for more lies. I sometimes wish I had the guys to leave. Twohearts it sounds brother like I'm following Down The road behind u. It has also come out that my wife was abused. I try to take that into consideration and it helps, but as far as it affecting my self esteem I have no idea how u do that. I feel lke trash all the time. I started working out constantly and eventually body building. It still doesn't help. I get flirted with occasionally and that doesn't make a difference except for at the moment. I think that's my hardest part. I'm not sure that will ever change. I really honored by all y'all's advice thank you for listening and talking to me.

Exrev posted 6/23/2013 07:49 AM

Heartache again my dday was 4-26-10! What a crappy day that was! I'm sorry. She does act remorseful but I guess maybe I'm scared to believe its real. I always wanted to believe her and I think that's why these people can get away with so much, not because they're good liars (which many are) but because I want it to be true. Maybe I'm screwed up lol. Sorry admin for the duplicate post. I'm not very computer literate and don't know how to erase it or I would.

Edith posted 6/23/2013 08:19 AM

Hi Exrev, my story is very similar to yours. We are 3+ years out from my husband's A. He has been a liar his whole life. I actually considered D before his A because of all the lying. Then I decided they were mostly innocuous lies, and I could live with that. I thought I always knew when he was lying.

In retrospect, I/we realize that the lying was the slippery slope into his A. He kept reassuring me that his "friendship" was innocent. That really killed a part of me, I believe.

He eventually ended up openly answering my questions about the A after one week of me dragging information out of him. His guilt was eating at him. But then he lied to be about being no contact with the filthy whore for 3 months after. In his mind, if there was no sex, it was okay.

I made the condition for R total honesty. But like others have said, counselors have told me that he may not be capable of that, since this terrible "coping mechanism" started in his earliest childhood. As a result, I have PTSD, frequent nightmares and terrible self-esteem issues. I work out and get attention from men, but it is fleeting. I have come to realize I will always feel like damaged goods.

So we limp forward. He insists he is telling the truth. And when I think he is lying I tell him, instead of choking it back and accepting that is who he is. It is unacceptable to be lied to, even about small, seemingly trivial things.

I will pray for you and your sweet children. It is certainly possible for you to provide them a safe and stable environment even as a single father. I hope you find your answers. Take care.


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