Thank you for all the replies. I think this is the most beneficial post and set of replies I've experienced so far on SI or anywhere so far.
Your replies have helped me process some and really think through some things. One consistent thing several people said was that I have to figure out what I need from him and let him know what that is. There is one big thing that I've already told him I need from him and that's to read a book or go to counseling or do "something" to help him understand what I'm going through. A couple of you mention the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". I believe that is the very book I purchased on Kindle and had sent to his iPad about a month ago. Well he flipped out when he saw the email with the title because his Kindle is the same one our girls use and they could have very well been on class using their iPad and seen the book title. Or one of their friends could have seen it.
While I partially understood his frustration, and had forgotten his kindle was the same as theirs (mine is not) ... it also seemed he was way over the top with his response. Primarily because he had told me that he told our teenage girls about the affair the same night he told me (2nd Dday) after I had taken off in tears and in a rage not knowing what the heck one as going to do.
We got into a huge argument over the book and why it was such a big deal to him. Why they couldn't possibly know that he was reading a book about helping me. He said he told them. Did he not tell them? I asked him this and he said that he did. I'm sure, however, that he did not use the word "affair". He basically had told me what he told them and it was something to the effect of getting to close to the OW and getting things ftom her that he'd been needing from me, yet it wasn't my fault at all ... blah blah blah.
And to clarify, he didn't have sex with her and I believe him. I don't want to debate that point here and left another forum because people wouldn't leave that subject alone. He had a deep emotional affair, kissed her, hugged her, held her, said I love you to her and thought about leaving me for her. After a month they ended it and he told me about it. And then 5 months later told me "again" .., it had never really ended until then. And all of that hurts like hell. I can't even imagine if he had had sex. Just kissing him is hard enough, feeling his lips on hers and the movies that play in my head.
But I digress. The book subtitle is "A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful". It was apparently those words in particular that threw him. I think he just feels so accused all over again and it just keeps him from even thinking about actually sitting and reading a book that will make him feel that way the entire time he is reading. He already hates to read I less its an engrossing novel. He has a hard time physically grasping and comprehending the information. So that's part of it, but not an excuse I'm willing to accept.
At any rate, he deleted the book from the Kindle app immediately. After things calmed down, he made it sound like he'd figure out how to put it on my Kindle and still read it, but never did. The subject came up again about a week ago when we got into a massive argument (we really haven't had many) ... but I eventually asked him why he won't read the book, ANY book on the subject. Or do "something" to understand what going through beyond me telling him. I finally got him to agree that he would but I could tell by his tone he never actually would.
I do want to say that in a lot of ways, he's been wonderful. He has done a lot to work things out. He set up counseling right away after 2nd Dday and he fell madly in love with me again. While on one hand I was in massive misery, on the other hand we were sort in a honeymoon phase for a while. I was so happy that he was loving me more deeply than he ever had. He was clearly done with her and has done a lot to try to rebuild trust and make sure I know where he is, etc.
Where we are stuck now is in relation to my ever continuing triggers and pain and depression. The roller coaster ride of good and then bad. And he clearly doesn't get it. While he is sometimes very comforting when I get upset, sometimes he gets angry and/or depressed himself. I am afraid to tell him what is triggering me because I don't know how he'll respond.
So ... I know I need to figure out more specifically what I need from him and figure out how to get it from him. I think I may tell him I need I spend a few days at my parents house and maybe he can use that time to read. Maybe this will be the only way to make it clear how important this is to me. And he needs to know that I'm not going to apologize for my triggers anymore. Not that I really do ... verbally ... although I think onhabe on occasion when I see how it affects him. But I need him to understand I didn't ask for all the zillions of triggers. He created them and he needs to man up an deal with it. He WAS "unfaithful" so get over it and read the book.
Okay, I'm done rambling. Thanks for your input and thanks for bothering to read all of this.