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Newly moved back home... Need advice..WS feel free to reply

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devastatedNtx posted 6/23/2013 01:28 AM

My WH asked me to move back in after 6 month sep. I moved badck reluctantly and scared at the end of May. Since then, we are sleeping in the same bed, but I feel like his roommate. Not once has he ever said all the right words, showed the right actions, nor ever shown true remorse other than the night he confessed to me. I made the mistake of asking for us to spend some quality time together and he basically said he's not interested. This man has never been uninterested...We are leaving for a 2 week family trip and he keeps throwing out things like 'if youre going to do this on trip, then you stay home" I feel like I am trying to do everything i am suppose to do to be a good wife, but am receiving nothing in return. Please should I be around the house if he's like this? Why is he being like this? Help!!

stilllovinghim posted 6/23/2013 01:49 AM

Make HIM gtfo. Unless you want to continue putting up with his bull. When you told him you'd come back, what were your reasons? Was there any dialogue beforehand on conditions?

This isn't about you being a good wife or not. This is about him and his continued fuckupedness. He's the one who needs to fix his shit and be *a good wife*. He's the one who made the choice to cheat. Not you. His choices had nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. The choice to cheat is on him. You need to work on your needs and desires as well as personal boundaries or his treatment of you will never change.

Don't allow him to treat you like shit any longer. 180 his ass till he gets his shit together. Right now, you're not in R. You're in a living nightmare heading toward either another A with more bull crap to follow and eventually D or a lifetime of you trying to fix him.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 1:56 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

devastatedNtx posted 6/23/2013 02:11 AM

Honestly there wasn't a lot of talking about anything. He hasn't talked about the affair since the night he told me. I've never been able to get angry at him, face to face anyways...or on my own. I go through moments, but I "will" them away. We have a young boy together which compounds everything. I simply don't know if I should continue doing my "wife" things, like dinner and laundry, etc. I'm floored he has no interest to touch me. I'm willing to give this some time, but I don't want to wake up in 3-5 years and it be the same. Obviously any serious talk between us is not happening.. He avoids it or says things like "here we go again". :(

stilllovinghim posted 6/23/2013 02:23 AM

Well, shit. Honey that isn't R. It's rug-sweeping. How would he like it if someone he loved suddenly died and you told him you didn't want to talk about it or to "get over it" while at the funeral?

You guys should have had a long talk with yourselves and an MC before making the decision to move back in. Why in the hell did you move out anyway? It's your home just as much as his and all this moving out / moving in just confuses any kids involved.

Also, you may not have hit your "anger phase" yet so keep that in mind.

IMHO, you're not in R. You're not any where close and he has no desire to try and own let alone fix his shit. Why should he? Its easier for him to let you take all the blame and do all the work. Let me ask you something, do you think this is a good example the two of your are setting for your child?

Please get into IC and later MC and please understand I'm not trying to say your not welcome in the R forum, because you are.

devastatedNtx posted 6/23/2013 02:33 AM

I guess I'd like to hear from some WS to give me some insight on why this is happening. I moved out because I did not want to stay in it. There needed to be a lot of work done and with my emotional state, an apt sounded peaceful.

Unagie posted 6/23/2013 03:10 AM

Sit him down and tell him point blank what YOU need to reconcile. What he is doing is what he wants. Sure he doesn't talk about the A, who wants to face their own fucked up actions? I certainly didn't and when I did I crashed. Hard. I still haven't fully resurfaced, barely got my nose out for air. Facing your shit is hard, doing so in the presence of the one your hurt is like a knife to the gut over and over. It is not for the faint of heart. You will discover things about yourself you never noticed or explained away I discovered I justify myself a lot. Not a good quality. Also I was very selfish, I compartmentalized well, and I was greedy. None of those are the kind of words that will make anyone want to be with you. But once you figure your shit out you can start to fix it, change it. That's what he needs to do for himself and for you. The way he is now is not healthy and he will continue to fuck up. I can guarantee you what he showed you on DDay was not remorse. It was regret for what he did, the life he is now losing, the wife he had, and the man he thought he was. Remorse takes actually seeing what your BS is going through and working your ass off to not only fix yourself but to help them heal as well. If he needed to carry this M solo for awhile could he do it? Could he carry it while you grieved and healed? Right now you need to focus on you. No rugsweeping and if he cannot meet your demands of what YOU need then he can checkout and leave his key at the door.

You were scared of coming back to your home to live with him. Did you question yourself as to why? What do you need from him? Can he give this to you?

[This message edited by Unagie at 3:10 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

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