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frankiebaby posted 6/23/2013 08:30 AM

Some background: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=499571

As I'm preparing to leave and getting everything in order, I'm being filled with such mixed emotions right now. Sometimes I can't be happier that I'm going; sometimes I sit and feel like a complete failure because my marriage is probably going to end or at least, take a big blow after only a few months; sometimes I think about what a waste my wedding was, what a sham it's become, and sometimes, like I did last night when we were hanging out, I actually felt something for him that wasn't related to absolute hate. How is that even possible after what he did to me? Do I really have such little self-respect for myself?

I'm not by nature a confrontational person, so right now the idea of disappearing on him is very appealing. However, should I be trying to down and have a conversation before I go? I ask myself, does he have a problem that I'm blocking him from dealing with because I'm just leaving? Marriage is supposed to be a team effort, and part of me thinks I'm breaking that part of it by giving up so quickly. Then again, another part of me thinks that he just isn't a good person and I should save myself while I can.

I just don't know.

I just wish I knew what to do! I'd love to be a mind reader right now and know exactly what's going on in his head. I mean, is this even real? Do people actually live that kind of double life and not even think about it??

I wish I could just make a decision and stick to it.

refuz2bavictim posted 6/23/2013 08:57 AM

right now the idea of disappearing on him is very appealing.

'm not sure what good words will be at this point. He uses them to manipulate and control. Your actions will probably carry the most weight, as he knows from experience that words are just words. I sometimes think the less we say about what we do, the more power our actions have.

Please remember that at present, there is no team to give up on. He isn't acting as your partner. He's doing things for himself without regard for you.

I think this may be your best shot at snapping him back to reality, if that is even possible.

The worst outcome for you, would be to remain stuck in this situation.

I think I can posted 6/23/2013 09:39 AM

Of course you can't just turn off what you thought was the truth. That will take time.

Do people actually live that kind of double life and not even think about it??

Yes, absolutely. From what you have said, this is a bad guy. You should definitely leave. He is cheating on you from the get go with multiple women and blaming you for not being spiritual enough. I am pro-reconciliation, but you have to have something to work with.

snapping him back to reality, if that is even possible.

With this guy, I think the cheating IS his reality. I don't see a history of "good guy" to snap back TO.

I'm sorry, frankiebaby. It is a horrible gut punch and betrayal. He only showed you one side of him. But now you've seen it all. I truly believe you should get out now.

Is there a chance he could be violent when the truth comes out? Please be careful and safe.

JustWow posted 6/23/2013 10:02 AM

Marriage is supposed to be a team effort

You're right, ......but he is recruiting new players to the team behind your back.

A healthy M involves 2 healthy people. Whatever his issues are - he needs to work them out - likely with a good deal if IC.

IMO, once everyone in the M who needs to do some good IC heavy lifting actually does some work and gets healthier, THEN you address the M. Before then, it really is hard to build a healthy whole out of unhealthy partt(s).

[This message edited by JustWow at 10:02 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

jjct posted 6/23/2013 10:10 AM

frankie - after reading your background, I'm happy that you are preparing to leave.
When you are away and safe, believe me, you will think much more clearly - you are not crazy, you are just in a 'war zone', been 'bombed', traumatized, & you are evacuating. Keep going!

Quite the opposite of crazy. You are making an exit plan & following through - for your own safety, and I applaud you!

Your priority is getting away. Getting safe. That's all that matters right now.
With distance, you will see!
You've made the right decision.
Sending strength!
Stay the course!

cdnmommy posted 6/23/2013 10:12 AM

Flip flopping is normal, because this doesn't just make us question our SO, but ourselves also. If you could just shut off any positive feelings toward him, I would be quite surprised. I think the fact you do struggle with the decision means you are a healthy person.

Having read your story, what sticks out for me is that you have been given an opportunity to find out what your WH is like now, before you have invested years of your life into the marriage, had children, and allowed yourself to become brainwashed by him. I say brainwashed because if he is that intent on living a double life, then I would consider whether he is personality disordered, and that can make for real crazy-making for the BS.

Keep posting here when you feel your resolve wavering.

(((Frankiebaby)))

[This message edited by cdnmommy at 10:13 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

Take2 posted 6/23/2013 11:22 AM

It is hard to fathom deception on this level if you are not a deceitful person, and especially if you have no experience dealing with deceit.

I had a hard time really grasping the truth. I obsessed with digging for it because I needed to know I knew what I knew. And because when God opens your eyes to the Truth, you shouldn't just shut them again. It was hard, especially in the face of his tears and the promises (but they were false promises because, as I said, I kept investigating.) Reread your proof Frankie.

What concerns me about your situation is that you were quickly isolated, (living in a foreign country without family or friends), and have no access to money. That you are given the impression money was so tight, and yet he was giving money to OW, spending money on OW...?

Moving away, isolation, no access to money = Steps 1,2 and 3 of an abuser. (Step 4 would be getting you pregnant).

He has been living behind a mask - you don't really know who is behind that mask. I know this is hard - but I fear you are a sheep living with a wolf, right now, be wise as a serpent and as harmless as a dove.

Hugs and prayers Frankie.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/23/2013 11:31 AM

I actually felt something for him that wasn't related to absolute hate.

Yes. This is delusion. You are feeling something based on the left over remnants of who you thought he was.

You are smart, strong, ethical and worthy. He is deceptive, untrustworthy, manipulative and unworthy of you.

Please do not over think this. Your instincts are right. Leave him point blank, with no warning. And, if you're as smart as you seem to be, you will never return and never look back except when reflecting on your good fortune.

Now, go write that refrigerator note and wait for your first opportunity to safely exit.

LisaReg posted 6/23/2013 12:02 PM

Keep on with your plan. You are too young to be stuck in a nightmare. Actions not words are your guide. He has shown you who he is. Cut bait and run. We are all pulling for you.

[This message edited by LisaReg at 12:06 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]