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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Feeling awkward around extended family
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are on vacation visiting extended family. They all know. We told them soon after Dday. I vented to them regularly. They saw my pain. They were very supportive of R. I am so grateful that we had them.

Now I feel awkward around them. I feel uncomfortable showing affection to Broevil in front of them. I wonder if they think less of her (they have never said one bad word). I wonder if they think I let her off the hook. I wonder if they think how can he love her so much after all the pain she caused.

There are no funny looks or comments. This is all in my head. I wonder if I am displacing some of my "wonders" on them.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Chico, I have the same problem! And you are the first person on SI that I have heard mention this. I thought I was the only one.

I have no problem whatsoever showing or receiving affection from H in front of strangers. But if it happens in front of anyone that knows of the A, I shut down.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think it gets better with time though, so just hang in there.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to be watching you Chicho as we go see my family in a couple weeks.

I hope my famiy is as gracious and forgiving as yours. Certainly, history has shown that to be the case.

Perhaps yours is this way bc your family stands behind you in your decision to R. I think that is wonderful.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
twodoves
♀ 39181
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is the first time we'll be seeing most of WH's family since everything happened, so I'm feeling trepidation about this very thing.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey brother, sorry you're feeling this way.
I wonder if they think less of her (they have never said one bad word). I wonder if they think I let her off the hook. I wonder if they think how can he love her so much after all the pain she caused.

Honestly, so what? This is your life, not theirs. The only thing you can do is live as an authentic life as you can. Do the best you can with what you have been given.

I feel uncomfortable showing affection to Broevil in front of them.

Totally understandable, but
There are no funny looks or comments.

What's going on? Gut?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3308 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chicho)))

I think it's normal for you to feel that way. They've seen you through good times and through bad.

They may be following your lead. Trying to act "normal" so as not to make you or broevil feel self consious. Yet maybe sending out vibes that "hey we are here if you guys need to talk". If you want to hug Broevil...go for it. It may break the ice and help move things forward. Sounds like they love and support you both.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:04 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 36807 | Registered: Mar 2011
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico,

I feel the same way in front of my h's family. Almost ashamed of myself for loving him?

They were very supportive of me during his a.

My family has pretty much disowned me for trying to reconcile, sister told me I am toxic.

I guess she has her foo issues too. Haven't spoken to her since December 1, 2012.

She doesn't even know if I am alive.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1593 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cuppacoffee
♀ 39313
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way in front of our parents and we haven't told anyone.

I wonder if they can tell something is different or not.

Have fun and enjoy your vacation.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Heavy Sigh
♀ 34243
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't help you with this one. We didn't tell anyone and as far as affection goes, it is just NOT DONE in our extended family.

If I so much as held my husband's hand after 30 years of marriage, the relatives would raise eyebrows and give us the "Get a room!" look.

The thought that this might be a tad abnormal didn't occur to me until late in life.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 12:32 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going on?

I wonder if they think less of her (they have never said one bad word).

Here's the hit...I wonder if they think less of ME

Here's the real hit...I wonder if I think less of ME


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get this too - in fact my brother mentioned to me after a family event that it made him SICK to see me being affectionate with WH. I hope it gets better with time...

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get where you are. I discovered I had to forgive myself. Yes that may sound odd, but I had to come to terms with trusting so blindly, giving the 2nd and 3rd and 4th chance (due to false R). And add in that before Dday I would have said cheating was a deal breaker and ring with a cheater was just about the stupidest thing one could do... Then I had to walk in those shoes and really examine myself as well.

I don't want to hijack here, but I think your feelings are valid and worth looking at. I did and we ate better for it.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6770 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
njgal480
♀ 24938
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does get better with time.

In my case-everyone knows about the LTA.
After I decided to try to R it took awhile for family members to feel comfortable with the idea.
I think they were worried that he would hurt me again.
Over time as they saw my FWH's actions and how serious he was about saving the marriage and making amends etc. they became more accepting.

One thing that my FWH did right after d-day was to contact all of our family and apologize to them for his actions and for how he hurt me.
This was while we were separated and heading for divorce.

I think that's when everyone began to see that FWH was genuinely remorseful.

It still took quite awhile for everyone to trust him but it did happen. And now everyone is very supportive of our decision to reconcile and happy that our marriage survived.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the real hit...I wonder if I think less of ME

That's the real rub, isn't it? I've had 4 LTR's that ended when the WW/WGF committed infidelity. I'm currently dealing with the fifth.(five for five for real, ya know) Desperately trying to R for the first time. Every other instance was an instant deal breaker.

The long and the short? I'm right there with you. Do I not respect myself enough to get out? She sure didn't respect me. I'm hoping that with the help of the people here that R is possible.

What I've learned so far is to put myself first. Make sure that I am meeting my own(and by extension my kids) needs first and watching what and who she is becoming. M issues are kind of on the wayside and not a real priority, at least for now. The ironic part of that is that the M is becoming better on it's own as we both become better people. We don't ignore problems anymore and hold each other accountable for our own shit.

I guess my point is keep focusing on you and your needs. Broevil will be who she is on her own. You have to decide if the person she is becoming is someone you want to be with. Would you marry the person she is today?

I wish nothing but the best for the two of you.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3308 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's it exactly, Chicho.

It's hard to be a betrayed man and not think less of yourself.

I just urge you to think of how you've taken responsibility for yourself, of how you've shown your ability to love under tremendous stress, of how you've given strong support to people in pain, and how you shown yourself to be a man worthy of respect to so many here.

Thinking less of yourself is just a mistake, bro. We all make 'em (I bet we all make this same mistake!), and we all recover from making 'em.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:27 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I've not had any contact with XH's family post D-day, they know we're reconciling and I wonder if they feel the same as your musings, Chicho. I wonder if they think less of him for being with me again after the divorce. I wonder if they think he's crazy or stupid or both. And I wonder if HE ever wonders this. Knowing him, probably not. I can't ask him, as he'll say he already answered this question a long time ago (technically he did; he said they said "We just want you to be happy, and if this makes you happy..." although while that answers what they SAID, it doesn't answer what they FEEL) and that I'm just trying to borrow trouble where there isn't any.

But I do wonder.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. I get you. I'll say it, I think less of me. I really do. Yes, I said it. But, on other days, I think I'm incredibly strong. And, I think you are, too Chico.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:47 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support and words of encouragement. I didn't mean to get to deep, we are in vacation right? I can think about that stuff next week.

Heavy Sigh- Thanks for your experience. We have been observing the rest of my family for affection since I posted this. Aside from the typical greeting hugs there is very little physical affection shown. Broevil and I are the most affectionate couple by far. That probably adds a lot to the uncomfortable feeling.

You guys are awesome. I don't know how I would survive without SI some days.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 19

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