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just venting-feeling sad

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canteat posted 6/23/2013 09:22 AM

I feel so alone. I waiver between crying and numbness. The anxiety eating away at the pit of my stomach is surely going to kill me-if my heart breaking doesn't get me first.

I found out my husaband of 8 years(together 17) has been having an affair. I overheard him on the phone a about a month ago with someone and just felt that something wasn't "right" with the way he was acting on the phone. But I got denials and told it was nothing. I believed him at the time as I didn't really have any evidence or had even overheard anything concrete-it was just a gut feeling. Then on the morning of June 12 as I was getting ready for work he got a "good morning baby" text that I saw flash on his phone. I feel that this was an act of some higher being because I NEVER look through his phone and I just happened to be standing right next to it (it was charging on the counter) as the text came through. So once I saw that, I looked at the conversation between him and what I like to call the "slut,whore,bitch". I read several exchanges but the only one that sticks in my mind is him telling her that he couldn't wait TO PUT HIS THROBBING COCK IN HER. I can't get that phrase out of my mind. It makes me sick and hurts so bad.

Anyway, I took the phone and held it up to his face as I woke him up. I asked him "what the fuck is this?" Of course he tried to downplay it and say it was nothing. I lost it-started crying and shaking. I don't even remember what I said to him. There were a lot of F-bombs, that I am sure of. There will be more to come, I'm sure. He got up from bed and was following me around while I got ready for work. Trying to convince me it was a lead for work that he was leading on so he could get business out of her. I told him that was a bunch of shit. So then he says he's going to tell me the truth. He looked me right in the eye and told me that she was someone he met while on a business trip and that he only met her once. He said that they just text and email back and forth-I guess its what they call sexting. I still didn't believe him and told him so in very colorful language as I left for work. Later we talked about it some more and somehow I came to believe that she was someone that although she was his emotional friend he had not been physical with her.

2 days later he left for a combined visit family and work trip.(family for a few days then work as the work gig was 40mins away from family) He called me every day and was being very nice. He bought me some small gifts while he was there that he texted me pics of. I thought he wanted to let me know that he was thinking of me-but now I am not so sure. There is more to the story.

While he was away I called and told him that I was going to use his computer to update my resume (my employer is going bankrupt!) and that I wanted to let him know because I didn't want him to think I was snooping.

Well, once I got on his computer-I couldn't help it-I snooped. I guess part of me knew there was something to find. That's when my world came crashing down. This was not some random person from a trip. This was his friends x. This was someone who he had been speaking with for well over a year. I knew that when things were going bad for her and her boyfriend that she would call my husband for advice. I knew about those phone calls in the beginning. I thought that they had ended. They had not, but they had changed. Texts and emails all about how they love each other and can't wait to be together. How my husband had never made love for the "first time" with someone he was sooooo in love with. WTF?? What about me? I found clear evidence that they were physical. I don't know when they started sleeping together-she lives in our home state so they had to travel to be with each other but i found plane and hotel confirmations of when she came here to see him. He met her family, he gave her gifts. He talked to her about getting married. Told her that to him "she was already his wife." Lots of pictures of her.(and of course she is younger and thinner than me.)There were texts about what he wanted her to pick up for him for his trip-mundane things to make him feel more at home. He was planning on seeing her NOW on THIS trip.

I lost my shit again and called him in the middle of the night and told him I knew everything. I told him I would not be here when he got home. I ranted and raved, yelled and screamed and cried. And I don't remember much of that conversation. But one thing I do remember is that he did want me to wait to move out until he got back. He kept asking me to promise that I would be there because he wanted to talk to me before I left. He begged me to wait. I asked him if he was going to see her and he told me that they had dinner plans for later in the week but that she had not returned any of his calls yet. He sounded hurt by that which pissed me off even more. He said that he thought she was seeing someone else and that she probably was in love with them. (oh boo fucking hoo-i feel so bad for you!) I told him to fuck off. If telling me that he wasn't seeing her because she didn't want to see him was supposed to make me feel better it didn't. I told his as much and he said that he was just trying to assure me that he wasn't going to see her and that she wasn't trying to get him to change his mind. We made a deal that if he sent her an email (and cc'd me) telling her that he was not going to see her that I would be here when he gets home so we could talk.

I never did get that email-he had texted after our deal and told me to check my email because he sent it. I told him that I didnt get it and he said he would resend it.(he thinks something didn't go through-he says the OW never aknowledged it so he thinks that she didn't get it either.) BUT I didn't get it the second time either. I don't know if that was all bullshit or not. I can't really talk to him now that he is at his work thing so I haven't told him that I didn't get it after the second attempt. (He is speaking at a seminar-days are jammed packed, start early and end late) He calls me daily but can only talk for a little while so we don't get into anything because we won't have time to finish it. He always asks me how I am doing and says we will talk when he gets home. He has apologized to me and says he will tell me everything when he gets home. He has told me that this is not my fault and that he can't believe he hurt the person that he "loves the most in the deepest part of his heart" He says that this was just like another addiction (he is a recovering addict but clean from his drug of choice for many years) and it was all about making him feel better about him.

He will be home weds. I am trying not to drive myself crazy. I can't eat or sleep. I feel like I am going to throw up. I try to disctract myself but that only works for short timespans. I cleaned my shower and when I moved the soap I thought of how she had bought him soap for when he stayed with her. (I read about it in one of their texts) I broke down over SOAP. I feel like I am going crazy and the fact that talking to him about it has been put on hold is giving more time to go nuts. I don't know what is real. I don't know what to believe. I don't know how weds is going to go and I'm afraid. Thank you for listening. In some small way it helps to know that others have gotten through this. Because right now, I don't feel like its possible.

[This message edited by canteat at 9:34 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

MylarPineapples posted 6/23/2013 09:33 AM


I am so so sorry this is happening to you. Reading your post, I just want to cry with you. I'm sure other posters wiser than I will have some advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm listening.

PouringRain posted 6/23/2013 09:56 AM

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It will probably be the worst experience of your life, but you are going to survive and be stronger in the long run. I totally get it, the disbelief, the devastation, the pain. At 2 months out, I can finally function a little. It is a long road, go easy on yourself.

Listen, do not believe him, he is still lying to you. He is not ready to be honest yet. No matter, you have the facts right in front of you. You need to keep those facts in the front of your mind, no matter how painful and how much you don't want to believe it. Print it out, keep it with you.

My advice is to change the locks (why should you leave? You didn't break your vows, he did).

Hang in there

1Faith posted 6/23/2013 10:58 AM

Dear Can't

So sorry that you have found yourself here. A club no one wants to be a member of.

Please know that this is a safe place, a place where people can relate and a place where you will always know someone understands and cares.

I became enraged when I read your post. I guess a little too close to home for me. I too discovered the affair due to text messages.

My reaction was much like yours.

Please know that you are in shock. The realization of this information is too much to absorb so give yourself permission to go crazy from time to time.

I am dismayed at your husbands response. He needs to leave this conference and deal with the mess he's created. If you were in a car wreck would he stay? This is as equally as devastating if not more. Tell them he has a family emergency because he certainly does.

He is lying and trying to get his story "straight". The email not coming through is complete bull. He is trying to figure out what to do.

Look up the phone records to see who and how often he's called her since you found out.

They are writing their script to minimize.

You stated you know this woman? I know others might disagree but I would call her and ask her what the f is going on? How long? Etc.

If your husband is incapable of being present and honest with you see what she has to say.

Be strong and demand he call her when he gets home in your presence.

Time for him to man up and be honest with himself, you and the OW.

So sorry you are here and hurting. You can make it. Believe and have faith.

We are here for you

canteat posted 6/23/2013 11:18 AM

thanks you all for replying. each reply is like a "virtual hug" and helps a lot.

Just some more info-my husband was looking into flights to come home (his sister was helping him look she knows something is wrong but not what) but i told him not to. i thought a few days more would be no big deal and might allow me time to think. i just didn't realize that the time would instead make me crazy being here alone.

he was also asked to take a train on tues to solve a different work problem in yet a different state because he is physically the closest one to put out that fire. he told his boss that he can't because he has to get home because of a family emergency.

I did try to look up the phone records but the bill is not out yet and i don't know if i can see that info if it is so new. (as in june 14th on-i have up until june 13) i did check FB tho and there has been no contact there.

i printed out a bunch of their correspondence and even have highlighted things that i want details on or things that i just want him to know that hurt me. he knows i did this and of course wants me to throw them out and stop looking at them.(he knows that i printed them, not that i am using them as a tool when we talk)
also, i have never met this person-i just know of her. i know her XBF with whom my husband is friends which is how i know of her.

i want to put on shoes with metal cleats and kick her in the face. how's that for a visual?

canteat posted 6/23/2013 11:52 AM

just figured out how to check phone records. fucking bastard talked to her last night. been texting all along. called and left him a message that i know. took a xanax a friend gave me and am going to sleep. i hope it works. i cant take this.

MylarPineapples posted 6/23/2013 12:11 PM

Oh, Canteat, I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to look at those phone records and discover he's been lying. I hope you are able to get some rest for now, and have a clearer head later to think things through. (((hugs)))

Dec15 posted 6/23/2013 14:03 PM


You wrote: "We made a deal that if he sent her an email (and cc'd me) telling her that he was not going to see her that I would be here when he gets home so we could talk. "

He broke his side of that deal; not only did he not send her an email, he's been in contact with her. He MUST suffer the consequences of breaking his end of the deal, otherwise he will assume that he can safely ignore anything you require of him in the future. You MUST NOT be there when he gets home on Wednesday. It sounds as if you have the means to do that. You also sound like a very strong woman, and know this: your strength will get you through this.

Huge hugs!!!!!

Melody1000 posted 6/23/2013 14:13 PM

I would agree about following through since he failed to keep his end of the "deal". However, I also agree with those who suggested you NOT leave. It's YOUR home too! HE violated everything. Why not change the locks and keep HIM out? Toss his shit outside. Tell him you'll meet with him when YOU"RE ready to deal with him.

Dec15 posted 6/23/2013 15:13 PM

Thought more about your situation and came to the same conclusion as Melody. You should not be the one to leave. Email him that he will need to find another place to stay when he returns and that he will find his stuff in hefty bags on the front porch and that you will contact him when you are ready to talk to him. Then go dark with him, and consult with a divorce attorney to know your rights.

And, as devastating as this may be to hear, I think you might want to prepare yourself for him saying that he wants to end your M and be with her. He may want to tell you this face to face and not remotely, which is why he keeps telling you to wait to do anything until he returns.

canteat posted 6/23/2013 15:53 PM

well now i am just plain insane. i got some of the dates that i saw in the phone records wrong. i calmed down after the xanax and looked again. he had told me that the last time he had called her was thur 6/20 to tell her to check her email-says he left her a message. phone records show the same-2 min phone call. wow, i can't even trust my snooping. i have lost it. i guess i am so ready to go crazy that i am making stuff up in my head. he says that he sent the email and now has 3 failer notices which he has kept on his phone to show me. the girl responded to one of the emails (reply to all) and he has that too to show me. i have no idea why emails wouldnt go through. the only thing i can think of is that he put in the wrong address. i don't think he has ever emailed me from his phone-just not something we do.
this is something that he will be able to prove when he gets back so i am witholding judgement on that one(trying) still says he wants to come totally clean when he gets back. again, we will see. maybe i just don't know what day it is anymore. there were text exchanges from when he first went away but only one or 2 on the 17th. the 16th is the night i called him in the middle of the night. so his version of sending her the email/text to tell her may very well be true. there are time stamps on the email returns-if i can keep my dates straight that is.

I had no idea that i would be so torn apart that i can't trust my own mind. wow.
i am so sorry for all of you that had to go through this. i had no idea how bad it could be. (and this is only the beginning) but i thank you all for being a part of this support group. because i desperately need it.

as for kicking him out-there is not much point. we rent and our new lease needs to be in by friday. (2 days after his return) i don't want to stay here alone. i would move out of state to be closer to family. he would probably move too since the timing of the lease would afford him doing so easily.

i just don't like this feeling of crazy. of not knowing what is real-well besides the pain. pain and devestaion are the only real things to me know. i hope that talking to him will help-whatever we decide. at least put to rest some of this anxiety which is truely making me crazy.

on a side note, thank you for whoever invented xanax. this stuff is good. i just hope i can bum a few more from my friend at work cause i think i may need them.

1Faith posted 6/23/2013 16:52 PM


You are not insane you are devastated and in shock. Which will cause you to feel insane.

You don't have to make any major decisions now, whether to stay or go.

Take one day and step at a time but follow your instincts. Trust your gut.

WH will have an excuse for everything. It's called projecting. Don't fall prey to it.

You need rational answers to the bullshit fantasy life he's been living.

Also try not to convey all your sources of proof. Many times it just makes WS and AP all that more crafty in how they communicate.

Throw away phones, landlines, IM etc.

Demand he call the other woman on speaker with you listening. Ask what you want and he must say its over with you listening.

Depression and anxiety are the extra gifts the BS receives at the hands of their WS. Party favors we never wanted. Please see your doctor and let them know what's going on. Take all the help you can get navigating this storm.

I wish you luck. Read all you can in the Healing Library.

Sending healthy hugs

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:54 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

brkn_heartd posted 6/24/2013 06:52 AM

Hugs to you first off. It is a terrible place to be in however, there is much support here.

Print out and save everything you can and put in a place he will not find. Do not trust him now, he will try some CYA methods. He can/will say lots of things with apologies and regret. Ultimately, it is whether he lives the regret and remorse to you. You will know if it is genuine in time. You have time to make decisions.

Eat, drink and rest right now. Xanax is good, however I recommend getting it from a medical provider so you have a legal prescription and your health has been evaluated to the safety (and dosage) of this medication for you.

Hugs again.

UKlady posted 6/24/2013 07:10 AM

((canteat)) - this is a terrible, awful, unbelievably devastating time for you. All of us here know and have felt/are feeling your pain. I'm still relatively new but a few months on from you and, although the struggle has been gut-wrenching and practically heart stopping, please believe me when I say - and have others - that you WILL get through this, you WILL get to the other side and you WILL experience some calm again.

I hate to say those dreadful words 'time will help' and right now you probably can't even take that in. Just try to breathe - I found it so hard to breathe at first. You almost have to teach yourself how to do it again. Proper deep breaths. And drink plenty of water or juice too.

I don't really have proper words of advice but do know you have found a very safe place here in these forums and we are all here to listen whenever you need us.


frankiebaby posted 6/24/2013 09:22 AM

Pack his shit and have it ready for him by the door the second he comes home. He doesn't get to run the show this time-- you do. He owes you that and more!

I'm so sorry love. <3 *hugs *

1Faith posted 6/26/2013 14:42 PM


Keep us posted on how things go today with WW returning home.

Sending healthy hugs and lots of courage and strength.

You can do this.

Good luck.

canteat posted 6/26/2013 20:15 PM

Long story short.(haha not really, no way!) things went pretty well today. WH's flight was delayed and he got in later than planned. he was exausted but willing to talk.

He explained that he wants to be honest with me and feared that he would only be half-assed honest tonight (with the really emotional and draining stuff) because he is at his limit(emotionally and physically. He had some other major family drama going on while he was away that i do know about-and it is BAD. I know that adds to his stress right now) he said that he doesnt want to be less than honest just so he can end the conversation and turn his brain off.

this is not to say that we didn't talk at all. We just agreed to leave the very ugly stuff for tomorrow. I figured physical and emotional exhaustion + volatile topics wouldn't be a good combo. We have plans to sit down after I get home from work and I get to ask any questions I want. I told him why I needed honest answers even if it is uncomfortable for him. I also told him that sparing me the truth or details to protect me is actually worse because it is still lying. He agrees and says that he understands that I need to go through this sh*t to come out the other side. And that what i can make up in my own head is probably worse than the ugly truth.

I did ask him a bunch of questions tonight tho, just not about details. I asked about things that i needed to know NOW. I can wait on the ugly details.

He answered all my questions and listened to what i had to say. At first he said that he didn't really consider it an A because he had told me before he slept with her that he wanted to separate. (our "separation consisted of living together the entire time without much changing except no sex. He told me in Jan he wanted to sep so he could figure some stuff out, by April he said he wanted to work on things. I guess the stuff he had to figure out was how to put his dick in someone else. ahh, there's the venom. knew it was around here somewhere.) Anyway, I told him that was a bunch of sh*t and told him it was already an EA before it turned P which is still an affair. After he thought about that he said that I was right. And that he was sorry.

he apologized for hurting me and for lying to me. He seems to feel terrible about the lying especially. he feels like he let himself down too. I haven't seen a lot of emotion from him yet-I better see it tomorrow.

While he was away he had sent her an email that stated he was no longer going to see or speak with her. He explained to her that he was not finished with our M and that things were over between them. He showed me the email and the response from her. her response was that she understood blah blah blah and that she hoped she would still be able to send him business leads because she thought she might have one for him soon. She said that she didn't want a long distance relationship anyway and had already moved on. He says he did not respond back to her. I figured I would get more into NC tomorrow.(this was after we had talked a while and we were both needing a break) BUT shortly after that he went out to get cigarettes and he called me from the car. He told me that she had just called him and wanted to know if he had spoken to me and to see if he was alright. (sounds to me like she is trying to "be there for him" in case things went poorly today. she knew what day he was returning home because originally he was to see her on this trip. he cancelled via that email i spoke of) He told me that he said things were fine and he was fine. Said the whole conversation lasted 30secs and that i could see that on the phone records if i wanted to. He said he wanted to be honest with me and that was why he was calling me right away. I don't like that he answered the phone, but being as I had not explained NC I have to cut him some slack there. Also the fact that he told me right away on his own has to count for something.

So I guess that is a pretty decent start. We have a lot more talking to do but at least i feel like he is being honest and willing to try. No denials or blaming me. (yet) we will see what tomorrow brings......

thanks for checking on me. I will keep you all posted.

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