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My H's guilt...getting worse as time goes on

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LA44 posted 6/23/2013 09:57 AM

My H's guilt seems to be reaching an all-time high. It's like the cobwebs clear every month and this one - month 6 - is no exception.

To top it off. He saw the affair person the other day at a colleagues funeral. She and another person were there to rep head office. They had to fly in to attend this. He was not expecting to see her. The usher led him to the first row for colleagues and lo and behold, there she was with the colleague. The other colleague separated them. There were no hellos exchanged or nods. He said there was no eye contact whatsoever. As soon as the funeral ended, he left.

What I have noticed tho is that he seems more tormented with guilt now. I guess bc she does not live around us, he has not had to run into her. The guilt he feels is what he did to me. He said he has these images that make him sick/feels so guilty. He also says that he does not even want to tell me that bc he does not want to make this about him. That my pain is nothing compared to his guilt. Okay. But. I do want him to open up about his feelings.

I guess this is a good sign. But I don't want him to SIT in guilt. That could lead to shame and shame is not productive.

Did anyone notice this as the months went on? Waywards, did you feel more and more guilt as time went on? How did you cope? How did you handle it as the BS?

He is hesitant for us to go on a wonderful company conference in the fall. Anxiety over, "what if you get more hurt?" "what if we get seated with her?" "what if she gets pulled into a convo. with us?" I believe I am going to be okay.

I just don't want him/us avoiding these fun situations and yet if we do go, it could result in more guilt.

Guess he needs to talk about this in IC.

HardenMyHeart posted 6/23/2013 11:06 AM

My FWW suffered from a lot of guilt and remorse. Even after 6 years out, she still does. Our MC told me there was not much I could do to help. This was something she would have to come to terms with on her own.

What I have done is to learn how to listen. This helps build emotional intimacy in the relationship; so my wife feels comfortable discussing things with me. Hopefully, she now feels safe to talk about anything without getting judged. I also do not throw the affair in her face.

As a BS, I learned that once you replace your anger with compassion, R progresses much smoother and faster.

LA44 posted 6/23/2013 18:56 PM

Thanks HmH. I realize more and more how vital compassion is during this process. Of course, in the beginning, I could not imagine feeling that for him. But as time went on and I saw how hard he was trying, I started seeing him as I did pre-A. A good person who did a terrible thing. He must have been very lost, hurt, anger, alone to do what he did.


CatchyUsername posted 6/23/2013 19:29 PM

LA44 I am so curious to see how the conference thingy plays out this fall. My WH also gets invited on those "incentive trips" too and I am scared to death already for next year - especially because that is where the A blew up on them this year (my radar was GOING CRAZY and I discovered 2 days after we returned)

I also feel like my WHs guilt is getting to be greater and greater - we are only 6 weeks post Dday. I take it as a good sign.

CLRhope4her posted 6/23/2013 21:30 PM

My WH's guilt has intensified over time as well. However it has come to light this week of our first DDay antiversary the guilt multiples because he still misses the OW. When he misses her or thinks of her the guilt multiplies. Not saying this is your problem--just my story. And when he happens to see her on the road his guilt gets worse. Partly from what he did to me--but seeing her makes him miss her as well.

brkn_heartd posted 6/23/2013 21:36 PM

We are almost at the 4 year antiversary now. My husbands guilt and remorse is palpable. It took a while to get there as he cleared his head. It is not a bad thing, but he realizes he almost lost everything and he lets me know daily he is glad he didn't. He doesn't wallow in it, I don't hold it over his head. However, it stays in his memory as it does in mine. I honestly feel less fear because of it.

Offhispedestal posted 6/23/2013 23:10 PM

I think it's pretty normal. My H did so much damge to our M it was truly like he lost his mind and didn't give a shit about ANYONE. Not even his mother that he adores and spoke to 5-6 times a week. He completely stopped talking to her, I saw him and MOW out as a couple while we were separated. The pain for me was unbareable at times. He got to feel a portion of that. He cried, shaking, begging for forgiveness. This happened for a long time. It's like I finally stopped crying over it after many months...the. Remorse hit him when he was faced with every single lie he told me, the fights and arguments he would make up out of thin air,swearing on his mother's life that he wasn't with MOW...
The fog cleared when he saw her for the lying piece of trash that she was and the fact that he was one of several she cheated with.
The fog cleared a d what he was faced with was more than he could handle.
It gets better but every once in a while it hits him pretty hard. It's been about 2 yrs almost since we started true R. I remember MOW H told me "if you choose to R, it's a rough journey, been there and I thought I would lose my mind". Now I know exactly what he meant.

LA44 posted 6/24/2013 07:35 AM

CatchyUserName...honestly, I think it would have SO MUCH WORSE to be at a conference as you were and NOT have known. I can imagine myself shaking her hand in introduction and THEN finding out? ugh! No thank you. It's no wonder your spidey-sense was going nuts!

brkn_hearted - good message. Thanks!

It is not a bad thing, but he realizes he almost lost everything and he lets me know daily he is glad he didn't. He doesn't wallow in it, I don't hold it over his head. However, it stays in his memory as it does in mine. I honestly feel less fear because of it.

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