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anonymous823 posted 6/23/2013 10:36 AM

So I obsessively Google my F and the OW because I first became suspicious of their affair when I Googled him and saw she was following him on a social media site and commenting on his page. He was not on hers.

The page and email account associated with it have since been deleted by him but I still Google my F and the OW every day. Her page is still active and I worry I might discover them linked on social media again. My F's behavior doesn't suggest that but I'm now hypervigilant.

Is this bad for R? I think it's a compulsion that stems from the pain and I'm trying to prevent myself from being the last to know again. It's starting to give me more anxiety though and I don't know if I should stop or not. Any advice would help greatly.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 10:39 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

UKlady posted 6/23/2013 10:45 AM

Personally I'd say do it while you feel the need. I have also done this in the past and still do occasionally. I think it is a stage which occurs for some of us and you hit the nail on the head when you said you are hypervigilant.

In time, I believe, the compulsion to do this will lessen as long as your F shows true remorse and is doing all the right things in respect of R.

HardenMyHeart posted 6/23/2013 11:19 AM

These are classic symptoms of hypervigilance:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypervigilance

It is fairly normal following a trauma, such as infidelity.

After doing the same things as you, I finally came to the realization that I have no control over someone else's actions and therefore there was nothing I could do to prevent another affair. If my wife cheats again, I'll just to have to deal with it when it happens. Snooping and playing all the what-if scenarios in my mind, just caused me unnecessary stress and anxiety.

What helped me the most was daily meditation and vigorous exercise. I found that by calming my mind, it would help the obsessive thoughts from being blown out of proportion.

You'll find that R teaches us a great deal about ourselves. So sorry for what you are going through.

Kelany posted 6/23/2013 11:24 AM

I went through this and in time it has become almost non existant. But I think everyone goes through it.

Knowing posted 6/23/2013 19:51 PM

Are you in IC? If not you could be working some of this out there. I was downright obsessed post DDay. I think it's normal and will hopefully lessen for you at some point. My interest eventually dropped off from daily to weekly somewhere between month 8 and 9.