"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MylarPineapples posted 6/23/2013 12:07 PM

I am having a really hard time coping with the intense hatred I feel for the two recent OWs. Not quite so much for Coworker #2 - I really feel a greater amount of pity for her than hatred, because she is clearly a person who has very low self-esteem and is searching for anyone to give her any sort of validation. I actually was friends with her on Facebook until DDay, and I sent her a facebook message telling her, briefly, that I saw the texts she sent and what I thought of her. She sent a brief reply and was actually quite contrite and apologized.

Coworker #1, on the other hand... I sort of fantasize about doing her physical harm. Looking back, I realize now that this was not just text conversations that crossed a line, this was really a blossoming EA. (That assumes that WH is telling the truth that there was never any PA.) She knew he was married with a family. She still flirted with him all day at work, and tried to arrange dates with him, and sent him nude photos of herself in sexual poses. Even AFTER Dday, when he sent her a message telling her that I knew and that he didn't want to lose his marriage over her, she continued to try to test the waters, bring him gifts of baked goods at work, and let him know he was welcome to come visit her at her place if he wanted.

I was not facebook friends with her and have never met or spoken to her, but I look at her facebook page sometimes. I hate the stupid profile photos she puts up, always leering into the camera. I also hate the stupid cover photos that she changes frequently. I noticed that before Dday, the cover photos were often quotes revolving around new relationships. After Dday, the tone shifted - there was one that said something like, "please just be honest with me, don't lead me on".

What is wrong with these skanks?!?!?!? I know that there has been inappropriate flirting with other coworkers in the past as well. Is there something in the air when people walk into that building?? I just want to line them all up and tell them to stop being such disgusting whores and focus on doing the jobs they are being paid to do while they are at work!!

It is hard for me to not send a message to Coworker #1 cussing her out. But I know that it wouldn't help anything, and it would probably just piss me off more because this tramp would not be contrite, I'm sure.

ETA: I also get really pissed at WH as I realize how his coworkers must all look at me. How pathetic I must seem to them. He seems to think that he was very discreet about all of his activities, but I think that is a bunch of crap.

[This message edited by MylarPineapples at 12:24 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 6/23/2013 12:31 PM

I know it's easy to feel hatred towards the other women, but you really need to focus your energy on your husband. There are ALWAYS going to be skanks. There will ALWAYS be pretty woman, needy woman, whores, tramps, etc. You need to focus on your husband and getting him to learn boundaries. You could bitch out every woman at his work, but it's on him to be faithful to you. It would really do no good talking to the OW if your husband isn't learning his lesson..

I'm so sorry for what he is putting you through.. Hugs..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 12:39 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

PrincessPeach06 posted 6/23/2013 13:28 PM

I have had a hard time with the OW, what was some flirty messages and a ONS that was a mistake to my H and void of feelings was apparently true love to her. She knew he was married and had kids - heck her and I went to school for 18 years!

I actually spoke to her yesterday and told her I have nothing to say to her. It felt good to take the high road when she clearly wanted to say something and I almost felt sorry for her hearing the desperation in her voice (almost). Everything I thought I would want to tell her (she's trash, scum, a homewrecker/whore)!sort of melted away and for whatever reason I don't feel as angry today. She did apologize for whatever that's worth.

I have also had trouble with viewing every woman I see as a threat. It's a trust issue on my part with H and our MC said it will get easier as I learn to trust but its up to H to do that! Only then will I be able to relax some.

isadora posted 6/24/2013 05:05 AM

Write a letter and get the poison out, just DON'T send it.

If she is remorseful she gets it. If she is not, then getting a scathing letter from you will only reinforce that she matters. You have 2 recent ddays. I understand what you are feeiling and it's easier said than done to put the focus on your serial cheater WH. What do you want from your M?

MylarPineapples posted 6/24/2013 08:46 AM

I know you are all right and it is really my WH I should be angry at. But it is so much easier to be angry at the person who I have no relationship with. I almost wish there was some excuse I could make for him, that our marriage had been really bad or something, but there's not - he was just being a pig. And he admits that.

PrincessPeach, I understand what you mean about seeing every other woman as a threat. WH was telling me about a mother who struck up a conversation with him at DD's softball game, and all I could do was glare at him and wonder.

WH is starting IC today. He took the initiative to start IC and made the appointment himself - I didn't demand it. He continues to be very remorseful and insists he is going to do whatever it takes to repair the damage he's done to our marriage. I just want to be able to trust him again, and also to feel like I can trust myself - that is the hardest part for me, the realization that I cannot trust my own perceptions.

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 08:53 AM

Mylar, I think what you're feeling is part of the process. It's not meant to belittle your feelings, for I've also felt them...a burning, gnawing in the pit of my belly and wanting to strike out at her, as she did at me.

But in doing that it would only bring me to her level and that I simply will not do.

I understand your pain, I feel it too, but I think contacting OW may just add fuel to the fire. I know in Perv's case (I don't want to generalize so will use this one as an example) doesn't think like me or relate to anything I have to say in any way, so it helps to avoid contacting her-also, it would make her a real person and that I cannot fathom, though have seen her mug on the internet. (WTF is the attraction?!)

Sorry for my long note and for what you are experiencing. It's terrible and simply should not be a part of life.

Yes, I think Butterfly Girl has a good point and I've been reminded before, though it hurt to hear, that OW doesn't owe me anything-it's Perv that did. It's Perv that made the choice to bring OW to being and OW took the bait.

Now they have a big mess, but don't think so, as your WH does.

I hope it will work out the way you wish and think writing things down but not sending them is a good idea-it beats being passive.

solus sto posted 6/24/2013 12:27 PM

What is wrong with these skanks?!?!?!?

Very gently, what is "wrong" with them, in general, is that they have been given a green light by our spouses to behave the way they do.

It's not just them.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/24/2013 12:54 PM

I want to (very gently) plus one on what Solus Sto has written. Even though I'm still working through my feelings, the OW is not the one I married and not the one who betrayed me.

ETA--that doesn't change the fact she is a crappy person who makes really bad decisions. I hope that one day I can pity her.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 2:06 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 13:01 PM

It took me some time to realize that OW doesn't owe me anything-Perv did. Ow didn't know me. Perv did. Ow didn't know what I stand for. Perv did. And ruined it anyway.

So yes, I will chirp and chime in to say that OW didn't do it all herself. I think it's easier to blame and sometimes focus on them for us, because we try to believe it wasn't our spouse.

I think sometimes there is a fog that descends on us BS in the early days of DDay, especially when it's TT.

heartbroken2012 posted 6/24/2013 14:55 PM

I struggle with this too. I HATE in the most meanest way the OW. I want to do horrible scary movie type things to her, and I hate feeling that way but i do.

I wanted to let you know you arent the only one feeling this.

canteat posted 6/24/2013 15:07 PM

I feel this way too. Apparently I have a very evil and creative imagination. No ordinary revenge fantasy for me. Stephen King would be proud.

I also understand that it is hard to grasp that some women are "ok" with being the OW. This is something that i would never tolerate in my own life and it is hard for me to respect anyone who does this knowingly. I try to realize that often times the OW are lied to as well so aren't really making an informed decision-but that is little consolation to feeling anything but hate for them.

isadora posted 6/24/2013 17:24 PM

FWH was ok with being an OM. As much as I hated the OWs, there are 2 BHs out there who hate FWH with equal passion.