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Rainbows posted 6/23/2013 12:19 PM

Today is the baby shower for the friend that set me up with STBX. Thinking about going is giving me a major panic attack. A part of me feels I have to go out of obligation, because of our friendship over the years. She calls me her big sister and for the most part we've been pretty close. She also had a really difficult time achieving a successful pregnancy through a surrogate, so I am genuinely thrilled for her.

I haven't told her that I filed for D and her extended friends are all pretty traditional and judgmental.

Is it wrong of me to not go? I just don't want to answer small talk questions about anything. Plus I'm in a pretty emotional place today about his A. Wish I could stick my head back in the sand until I'm through the thick of D.

What do you say to people and random acquaintances during D. I don't know how to best handle the inevitable small talk.

NGFinishLast posted 6/23/2013 12:53 PM

I've told the truth. When we first split, I was somewhat hesitant to share due to the long-shot chance that we might get back together. Now, I find myself with the difficult task of showing restraint and not sharing too much. I somehow fight the urge to share that she cheated and killed the marriage. Instead, I just tell them that we're getting divorced, but I say it in a way that makes it clear that it is not something I want to go into detail about.

I expected that I'd get a lot of push back, but I've been pleasantly surprised that the majority of people back off immediately. For the few who do pry, I just tell them that "it didn't work out" and I leave it at that. They're gonna find out eventually. I wouldn't avoid supporting a friend just to avoid a topic that will come out at some point. Go and have a good time.

Ashland13 posted 6/23/2013 15:14 PM

I do the same thing. I feel like everyone -who is an adult-deserves the truth but also that people should not be shielded from wrong-doing.

There is a way to be matter-of-fact and graceful and I've found even the most judgmental people on the planet with us understand when someone has truly been duped.

Also, in the long run, what will it matter when you may not see them for a long while in between, anyway? I had to go through this with relatives and friends, too and I just told it like it was.

The other thing is, it eventually comes out, anyway.

I wish you well Rainbows, and am going through similar things and D process, also. It's one of the most terrible things in my whole life.

Rainbows posted 6/23/2013 18:57 PM

Thank you for replying and for the advice. Ended up going, briefly. It was such a simple thing, but really tripped me up earlier.

My M appeared to be in a good place before dday. I filed pretty soon after, so the D has been shocking to some of our friends.

Kajem posted 6/23/2013 20:01 PM

I have a couple of responses, who gets which response depends on who they were to the marriage.

1. We are getting divorced because I didn't like his girlfriend.

2. We had a difference of religious opinion, he thought he was God, I disagreed.

If I tell someone (I don't know well or I know they are a gossip) I am divorced and they ask "Why?" I ask "Why do you want to know?" THAT usually shuts them up pretty quickly.

There was a time I didn't want to tell anyone... I felt like it was my fault and I was humiliated and embarassed. Till I realized it wasn't MY choice for him to cheat. It was his. I had no responsibility in his choice to cheat.

Then I felt like I was telling everyone and anyone... even the UPS guy got an earful one day!

The pendulum swings and eventually rights itself to somewhere in the middle ground.

It is a process and sometimes that process isn't so clearly marked.



numbandnauseous posted 6/24/2013 00:32 AM

Beautifully said, Kajem!

Rainbows posted 6/24/2013 15:43 PM

Thanks, Kajem. These will come in really handy, especially with the gossips and people who lack of boundaries (those are ones I was really dreading).

It's helpful for me to have an answer that doesn't leave the door open for more prying.

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