could working on the marriage with counseling lead you to the truth?
[This message edited by canteat at 5:39 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]
I did look at his personal computer, but he has several for work and most I cannot access.
On his personal computer, the history did nto show much, but when I looked at the cookie history, I found someone had looked at singles sites, match.com etc, and someone had looked at a bed and breakfast about three hours from our house.
My teens are curious about match.com, and could have looked... and the B&B? I cannot find any credit card bills that correspond... but he probably would have used cash.
I think I'd stay vigilant and perhaps do the 180 (BS FAQ #11 in the Healing Library). Start going out with friends, taking care of yourself - manni's, pedi's, get your hair done, spend some money on new clothes. If he is cheating he might slip up with the extra time on his own, or tip his hand by getting jealous (because he thinks you are doing what he is doing).
Otherwise there are keyloggers, VAR's, but if the A has fizzled out already there may be nothing left to find but an confused aging man wondering what the hell he is doing...?
See what others advise - that's all I got and I'm not sure it is good advice.
i just re-read this and you seem to answer your own question. if you don't feel like you are taking care of yourself then you're not. (whether or not he is having a PA) the fact is that you have concerns and trust issues and he is doing nothing to address them. big red flag.
On the other hand, what if I am totally misreading all the signs, and I am wrong and we are just having a difficult time and I make it worse???
how can being honest about how you feel make it worse. it may not provide the outcome that you want-but in the end won't that be the right outcome?
sorry don't know how to make those lovely quote boxes or i would have.
[This message edited by canteat at 6:09 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]
Take the quote and paste it in (looks like you are doing that)
Then highlight the quote. Go to the left and hit "quote"
[This message edited by Take2 at 6:35 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]
I am having trouble seeing how I will get past this.
Trying to be wide eyed and accepting of the truth, whether I have solid facts or not.
I don't think this is a matter of getting past anything at this point. There is obviously something. Even without facts, he is hiding something.
Of all the typical wayward behaviors he is displaying, the biggest nail in the coffin is that deodorant. He wouldn't have thrown it away if he believed it belonged to you. Whereas you can't prove whose it was, there's not much room for any other explanation here.
I'm so sorry. My FWH and I went to counseling while he was cheating, and he would clam up too. He would also say cryptic things like, "I'll give our marriage one more year... just so I can say I did everything to try" and other cold, robotic things.
Your WH isn't going to cop to the truth right now. Maybe you can call his bluff. Write him a letter telling him you know everything. You know whose deodorant that was, and you know where he goes when he hides from GPS. All that's left is whether he wants to offer you the complete truth in an effort to come back to reality and his marriage, or you will have your lawyer get in touch with him.
I have to say... how did you "not worry" about him cheating before you were engaged? I worry that you were just trying to write it off, like it's not as bad as being married, so you didn't have to face up to who he is and what he is capable of.
Respect, faithfulness... regard for your heart and mind... he lacks all of these things. I know it's scary to think of not being with him, but you're looking into the face of a stranger every day. You deserve so much more.
We're here to help. Sending hugs and strength.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:23 AM, June 24th (Monday)]
I would like to add that if he is so tech savvy I would look for a second phone. Many cheaters get one so they can't be tracked. I would get a VAR in his vehicle too. A keylogger on the home computer. If you have kids that are looking at match etc, you need to know what they are up to as well. So you have a legit reason.
He is up to no good I guarantee that. This was the shit my H started doing, along with making me the bad guy for everything.
I would strongly recommend that you start squirrling away your own funds, and go see a lawyer to find out if you end up going down the road to D, what it will look like, and how it will effect you. This takes you out of the position of weakness, and allows you to take control.
I would even recommend hiring a PI, or having a friend help you follow him so you can find out what he is really up to. Once you have the proof you need then you can confront, and lay down the demands of R.
My WH stopped using his actual cell and used google voice. He never used the computer. They never talked on the phone. He "only" saw her 3 times in almost 2.5 years. He would delete google voice when I was around, re-install when I wasn't. Clearly he got sloppy since I found almost a years worth of sexts on Dday.
I will also get it for the kids, as that is a good point... I should know what they are up to online.
What is a VAR for his car? voice recorder? I am concerned that he is not seeing this person at all, or rarely. Will I have to listen to his radio as he drives back and forth to work every day?
I am going out of town with the kids soon. I have thought about setting a trap, but I will be too far to sip back and make a surprise visit.
I have thought about hiring a PI, that sounds terribly expensive and we live in a small town... the nearest PI is in another state and not licensed here. I did talk to the PI, and he suggested a key logger.
Can you put a key logger on a phone?
...But again, I suspect no phone and no internet use... just in person.