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Alyssamd24 posted 6/23/2013 20:16 PM

So Friday night I went to see BH so he could confront me with all his feelings towards me and my A. He has been trying to put it all in a letter but every time he has started the letter he has ripped it up. He decided to just go for it and tell me without writing it down first.

It was long and painful....some of the highlights were he told me I was dead to him, a horrible mother, and called me a c#+t whore. He also told me that I was nothing more to AP than a dirty whore. This is coming from a man who before this very rarely even yelled at me, let alone called me such names.

It was hard to sit there and listen to him say these things but I would like to think that by him doing it he will be able to eventually forgive me, and hopefully we can move on. I feel like I owed it to him to let him do it so he could get everything out.

He did say that he is going to let me move back in "sooner rather than later" but hasn't actually said when. One thing that did concern me is he seems to be placing his decision solely on what I have been, if I call him, text him, or ask him to spend time with me than he feels like he wants to make it work. But if I don't do these things than he doesn't want to try. I feel like he should know what he wants to do no matter what I am doing....he should either want to R or not want to....and he should feel it....Really feel it rather than base it on me.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/23/2013 20:30 PM

Wow. (((Alyssa))) I don't really have any advice. Hopefully wiser folks will be around soon.

My concern is that he's lost respect for you (hence the name-calling) and that you may be abused if you move back "sooner, rather than later".

misskirby posted 6/23/2013 20:51 PM

I'm sorry I don't really know your story right off hand, so this is just going by what's in here. As a BS, we want to see the WS put in some effort to show that you want to reconcile. So that would be my guess as to what he means by wanting to make it work when you contact him. There are probably times when he wants to text, call, or spend time with you but he doesn't want to have to be the one to contact you, you know? Yes, it's stupid pride making that decision, but that pride is something that is terribly injured in the aftermath of an A. So by you putting forth that effort, it helps him to see that you're really in it. And no, at least in my case, I didn't always know whether I was 100% in it all the time. There were a thousand voices in my head making arguments for or against. Your actions will be a huge factor in that decision.

Anyway, that's my take on it. Hope that helped a little.

sodamnlost posted 6/23/2013 21:05 PM

Wile I agree with MissKerby for the most part - I don't agree it's pride, at least not all the time. His decision *SHOULD* be based on what you are doing and anything less and he is shortchanging himself. Your words mean nothing now, you lied to him. He needs to see actions. He is hurt more than you can EVER imagine. He *NEEDS* to know he isn't wasting his time. This doesn't go away for a long time. We are 9 months out and if my WH withdraws even a little, I am reminded of what an asshat he was during his A.This sends me reeling in pain or fear or anger or all of the above at once.

You guys are still new to this, be warned there maybe more (or many more) days like Friday. I love my WH but some of the things I said to him - yeah, not cool. It must be hard for WS's to understand the feelings behind those words. He doesn't hate you, hate is indifference. He is hurt. These are, more than likely, bigger wounds than he has ever experienced. Learning how to handle them is a process. Your patience, understanding, support and love are being watched.

Gently - you have devastated his world and all he knew. He will be angry, hurt, confused along with a million other feelings - for YEARS. I hear it's worth it. Sticking it out and doing the work together.

BaxtersBFF posted 6/24/2013 07:35 AM

Your BH probably really felt that there was nothing to worry about in the M prior to d-day, so you can't really expect him to "feel it" on his own anymore. Like the BS's above have said, you blew his world it is going to come down to your actions. Consistency over time.

Would you have sat through his anger if you thought that he wouldn't eventually forgive you?

There's going to be a lot of pressure on you to do things which your BH will hopefully see as you wanting the M. What you need to think about is whether you are doing this for him or for you. Are you doing it for a pay-off? or out of obligation? or because you are trying to find a way to be a healthier human being?

Alyssamd24 posted 6/24/2013 14:49 PM

I am doing it to be a better human being and to get my marriage back. I think him doing it was something he needed to do to heal...and I feel I owe it to him to sit and take it because I know I needed to hear how badly I hurt him and what my betrayal has done.

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