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Newest Member: Sasha2017 (61785)

User Topic: Little to no eye contact
♀ 25674
Member # 25674
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is new to me concerning STBXH: my unwillingness to even look him in the face. I just won't. He could have something new on his face or body, like a scar or tattoo, and I wouldn't know it now. I haven't looked at him in the eye or as my husband or as someone I loved for weeks. It's as if I have terrible eye sight, but only concerning him. Everything else, including my life and my goals and my children....are in much sharper focus.

BW: 43 WH: 39 We are done.
Married 15 years with two kids: Cool Boy is 10 and Auburn Girl is 14
D-Day #1: 9-2009, 6-month EA/PA with H.S. friend. Did it ever end? D-day #2 on 5-2-13: Found OW's current pic on his cell.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Zoo of the New
♀ 34525
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I have had this too. I am in 180 mode and I noticed recently that I don't even look at him when we talk. That moment or two when our eyes occasionally meet seem very foreign to me.

BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to look at him briefly during a mediation session last week. I had to stop myself from giggling because all I saw was a worn out lower muppet head on a beat up crusty old stick going "blah, blah, blah".

I told my lawyer and he actually named a muppet that he resembled. Then told me off afterwards for making him stifle laughter when he looked at him.

I was shocked at how ugly he looks. Aesthetically I mean. His skin looks shit and he is skinny-fat now. Like Mr Burns with a beer gut.

I cannot believe I ever got naked with him. Ugh - pass the brain bleach please.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 1:31 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6010 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Yes, this is very familiar.

Part of my attempt to heal is an effort to pretend Perv is dead, so I don't know if subconsciously it's what I'm thinking if he slinks around or just automatic.

The little I've been able to delve into it with myself is that I felt severe and utter embarrassment about what he did -I consider the A very against myself and my core values and I have embarrassment that he would behave in such a way towards me and also I'm embarrassed for him to see all now.

Looking into someone's eyes is like looking into their soul, for me, and my feeling is that he sold his when he began the A and is OOMD-Out Of Marriage Dating. So another part is that I don't want to see what might be there.

Last year, prior to DDay, his eyes were very, very hard like stones and his voice full of anger, so much so that he was unrecognizable as the person I knew for 20 years.

Yes, he is very, very large now and even his face is bloated. But like Strong said, it helps to not feel attracted to him anymore. I still feel a mourning and sense of loss, but it's for the person he killed inside himself, not this current one.

I find during mediation that I can't face him either and tend to focus more on the lawyers. I told him this though, when it started. On Easter I had a panic attack when he appeared and that was how it started.

I also don't want to hear his voice, the voice that comforted me in what used to be dark times.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He could have something new on his face or body, like a scar or tattoo, and I wouldn't know it now.

Same here.. I never look at him. Even at mediation, I never looked at his face. That's weird that he could have a face tattoo and I wouldn't know it, but that's the truth..

xBW~ 37
Two DS~ 9 and 13

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 27035
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did this as well. It bugged him, so I continued it. It also made it easier for me to deal with him. I kept it up the whole time until divorce court. I stared daggers at him the entire time. It was the only way I could hold it together really - hanging on to the anger and letting it show in my stare. He could not look at me. He looked everywhere but at me. I did not want to cry in front of him.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5379 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 38541
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even now, five years after separation, I can't look at squarely at my ex husband. It is such a relief to know that this is not so uncommon. I was feeling like perhaps I was hiding from something, but perhaps the truth is that I just dont want to look at his revolting face.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't look at mine either. It allows me to stay civil. He can be so disingenuous that it makes me ill. I make sure that he realizes, time and again, that we will never again be buddies and have friendly chats with each other. I look people in the eye when I'm interested in what they have to say, and I would like to have a conversation with them. He doesn't fit either description.

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 34073
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually looked at mine AND tried to verbally communicate with mine in person the other day. I just said " do you want to talk about the summer schedule". He wouldn't look at me or acknowledge me in any way. And you know, it wasn't upsetting at all. I felt powerful. He is so afraid to be near me, he won't even look at me or talk to me or even PARK near me. lol
I must be pretty awesome if I am so powerful that to even look at me or talk to me is too much.

" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 684 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
♀ 36579
Member # 36579
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try to avoid all eye contact when we meet to drop off or pick up the children. Don't like looking at him at all The minimal glances I've had show me that he's fatter, greyer and more hideous than ever. OW3 is welcome to him

Me 47
ExH 51
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS13 & DD8)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14

Posts: 185 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 39074
Member # 39074
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just came across this topic and had to respond. It has been about 2 and a half years since my divorce from the ex scum wad.

I cannot look at him because he physically makes me ill. The couple of times I did look at him, all I saw was an unattractive, fat, balding pitiful human being. I don't know this person anymore, so why engage him with eye contact? He's all yours, OW. Enjoy!

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Kentucky
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't look at Mr. Trac-Fone, either. I don't see him often, and whereas I used to assess his appearance (it gives important clues about his physical well-being, something I cared about for a very long time), I really couldn't tell you much about it now. I vaguely think he looks rather awful, but I'm not really sure, because I haven't cared enough to look.

When he goes out with the kids, he's pretty intrusive--he'll merrily comes into my bedroom to talk, etc.

And I just couldn't begin to tell you whether he looks healthy-ish, or ill, or whatever. I just don't pay attention. I usher him out.

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15343 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not look directly at XWH#1 for a few years after the D. During pick up and drop off's I would ignore him totally. After I became indifferent, I started to look at him and was amazed I was ever married to him in the first place. Everyone always thought he was my Dad (he was only 5yrs older)but to actually see him I felt pity for him. He is now fat, lost some of his teeth, and looks very old. I just look at him and think how could I have ever slept with that. It is amazing what taking off those rose colored glasses can do for your eyesight. I am now looking at WH#2 and starting to think the same way. If OW came to my door now, I would probably shove him out and scream please take him, he's yours.

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9190 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 38458
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh good, it's not just me!

Just a couple of weeks ago I noticed how I don't look at him or say a word unless he says something directly to me in question form. I was worried that for some bad reason I *couldn't* look at him rather than just not wanting to so the last couple of drop off/pick ups I made the conscience effort of looking him in the eye and saying ONE kid-related thing.

And then I realized WHY I don't look at him.... His face. I used to look at and love that face not because it was the best looking face, but because it was the face of the man I loved, my husband, the father of my children, a good guy. Now.. all I see is the face of a man who does HORRIBLE things to those who love him and who he is supposed to love. The face of a man who does that with absolutely no real remorse or empathy for the pain he caused. There is nothing pleasant about it anymore.

Plus he always looks tired and sickly and that isn't my problem anymore so why look at something that is no longer my concern? I don't talk to him because I have nothing to talk about and I felt silly trying to come up with something to say. If I need to say something I prefer not to have to see his face or hear his voice so I text. He usually calls in response rather than texting back but that is probably because I didn't do shit to him. He had to make up stuff to justify his anger and ill-will. Me...not so much. I have to consciously stop thinking about what he has done just to keep the feeling of absolute hate away.

This thread and the last couple of weeks of forced eye-contact has helped me come to the conclusion that it's OK to not want to look at him and not acknowledge him when I don't want or need to. I'm going to continue to put all of my focus on the kids during exchanges.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 32265
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetness, you nailed it.
For me, I can't look at him because the mask is off and the ugliness on the inside is now showing on the outside, his face.
When he is in the room, I can't look at him, if I have to look in the direction he is in I just look around him.
Funny isn't it, how such a beloved face one day can be so grotesque.

Divorced 1/3/14 after 31 years of marriage.

Posts: 645 | Registered: May 2011
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find I look at his feet a lot or the air around him. At mediation I cannot look at him and he favors sitting directly across from me, but it puts him at the head of the table...True Narc or what?

By mistake I looked up one day thinking he had moved and I noticed that his appearance is changing again. His life is extremely busy and he has added more traveling and doesn't take care of himself and it is showing.

It was interesting to hear during the school year, from neighbors and school parents, about the changes in his appearance and compliments in my hold up.

I'm glad this is common, too.

One of my feelings is embarassement for myself, from all his judging and lying about me that he does continuously to other people.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 38154
Member # 38154
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't seen my ex in person for well over a year. I've seen recent pictures of him on our sons' facebook pages and he hasn't aged well. But everytime I look at our sons (who are now young adults)I see in them what attracted me to him all those years ago. And I prefer to remember him that way - our boys are the perfect combination of he and I. And that's something that the OW/NW will never have with him.

There is no education like adversity - Disraeli

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phew! I'm glad I'm not the only one. I've only saw him twice so far this year during court. Once in March and the other in June. In March, he had me in tears because he was acting so weird. In June, I had a "I don't give a fuck" backbone in case he tried to approach me which he didn't. So I looked at him during our court session and thought "What the hell did I ever see in him?" I don't know what it was but he LOOKED liked the word COWARD. Pathetic really. The mask if OFF!

Posts: 2868 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I rarely look ex-shat in the eye. My focus is squarely on my child.

I also wear sunglasses most of the time because I have this very, very bad habit of rolling my eyes at utter stupidity. Pretty sure I'd have to go in to have my eyeballs popped back into their sockets, I'd roll them right out of my head looking on his stupid moronic ass self.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 39077
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm stuck in the equally crappy other boat. My psychopathic ex has always had a lot of attention because of his looks. Family used to call him "Superman" because of the whole dark hair/icy blue eyes/athletic build deal. If he holds still (I'll explain what I mean), he is attractive/handsome by most standards.

But, wow, if he moves, whatever structural balance he has goes bye-bye. Like most psychopaths, he's twitchy and manifests a lot of physical tics: constantly rolling his shoulder or wrist, rocking back on forth on his heels. And his expressions are so over the top contrived and theatrical that I can't ever get passed analyzing the "Oh, that's his 'sad' face" or "Crap, that's his 'happy' face."

It's gross. When I do have to look at him, I'm always stunned at how flat his eyes are.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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