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4 months since D-day

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Waits posted 6/23/2013 21:36 PM

Sunday nights always get me. I got really depressed a few hours ago. Today is 4 months since she left. The past 3 weeks I worked every single day 10-14 hours. The whole month of June has been stress and sadness. I lost my appetite again, lost a few more pounds. Trying to eat but I'm just not hungry.
I'm now on Zoloft and Welbutrin. Trazadone for sleeping and Klonopin during the day. Sleeping pills and Klonopin work, not sure the anti depressants do.
I drink lots of black tea all day and I eat about one full meal.
My stbxw sucks and she's a terrible person. I don't want her back but I still can't shake this sadness.
I know intellectually that I'm better off and I'll be fine but this loss is tearing me apart.
I can't seem to start again right now, I don't feel like doing anything.
I'm burying myself in work. That is all.

I just needed to write this out tonight and get out of my own head.

dmari posted 6/23/2013 21:55 PM

I am so so sorry your are feeling this way. What kind of support do you have IRL? Are you in therapy?

How long do your episodes last? You say you got depressed a few hours ago. Is your depression level still high?

All I can offer is hugs and support. I hope you post here often ... it can get you through the hardest moments. I know it doesn't feel like it right now and I don't think you want to hear it but it does get better. Please hang in there.

jimbo25319 posted 6/23/2013 22:02 PM

Damn dude. That sucks big time. I'm 3 weeks out and I'm also a mess.

I suffered from insomnia prior to D day and already have a script for ambient. I gone through a months supply in less than two weeks. Can't get a refill for at least another weeks.

Not on antidepressants yet, but think I'm going to have to schedule a DR visit.

FieldsOfLavender posted 6/24/2013 19:26 PM

Four months is still very early. I was also very vulnerable and raw. I would cry in the bathroom at my office and on my way home on the commuter bus. The tears just flowed and I couldn't stop them.

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 20:06 PM

It's five months out for me and a year and a half after being abandoned. He left but I did not know OW or other cheating existed for a long time.

Yes, Waits, I feel as you do and actually asked on SI in another thread, what the heck is it that I mourn?

I suspect it's the changes thrust upon us as BS and it's a feeling for me of having the snot kicked out of my very being. I feel like someone beat me up physically and left me there on the ground.

I find the advice like "get a hobby"-it doesn't work because I can't concentrate.

What I find helps is being here on this website and knowing so many others have felt this way. I feel some pride if I can help anyone at all in any way.

Sunday nights are difficult for me as well, because DD goes visiting weekly and I used to and it got ripped out of my hands, without warning. It was part of my life for 20 years and now they are empty.

I tried all the pills you mention but got too loopy.

And I am unemployed but bury myself in online classes and tv and my perrennials.

I think your work is good outlet, for what it's worth. My father did it as well, after my mother abandoned him.

I don't have a ton of advice, but wanted to show empathy and let you know that there are others who feel as you do and are in similar spots.

My mind has been blown away with how much infidelity there is in life and it's just horrible.

I can offer something that helps me, even if only an iota. It is this: I spend time each day searching for things in life that I liked or knew before I even met STBX/"Perv" (Short for Disgusting Pervert).

It has helped me in immense ways to realize, that there was a life for me and there are other people in the world who don't even know him.

I've also taken a step back from life as I knew it and have become as basic as I can. I find Indians fascinating and am studying them, because they are basic people and many are happy that way. This whole entire thing has brought me to that kind of basic level, sort of ground up, if you will.

Another thing I've done or worked on during those periods of foggy depression are to appeal to my senses. I couldn't seem to reel in my wandering mind, so what is left? Our senses, raw and waiting for something to happen.

My brain seemed so far gone from reality that I couldn't figure out what day it was, and 9 days had gone by.

If you like or if anything I wrote helps, I can write more about what I did and do. I'm not a counselor or shrink, but am still alive.

I wish you well, and I wish you moments of peace and clarity that will soon grow, into stretches of time, much as the summer flowers opening in the garden that are keeping me upright.

kernel posted 6/24/2013 20:13 PM

I'm sorry you are hurting.

It's still so early for you Waits and jimbo. All the advice on here says 2-5 years to truly be over the trauma. It sucks to keep hearing that because who wouldn't want to fast forward through this? Unfortunately, the only way to get over it and heal is to go through it.

I am curious as to whether you are in IC. I really hope they didn't just give you a pile of meds without counseling to help work through this. You need to find healthy coping strategies, and a good IC can get you started. Your doctor should be able to recommend someone, or ask friends or family for recommendations.

In the meantime, have you tried journaling? In my early days, I found it helpful to write out all the misery I was feeling, all the anger, all the pain. No matter how childish or self-centered or self-pitying, I wrote it down. No one else ever saw it (that I know of!) and I actually destroyed it after a while. But it really helped at the time.

Do you have friends or family you can talk with? I was so lucky with several of my friends - they really helped me cope and heal, and just talk things out.

Physical activity helps when you have those down times. I like to read and escape into a good book when I'm feeling low. Or watch a fun or funny movie that you really enjoy. Cooking or baking something other than the basics can kill some time. Anything to get you over the hump.

One final thought. When I really thought I was going to lose it, I would remind myself that I would not allow my X to have that power over me, that I would not let him turn me into a puddle of misery, that I would not let him destroy me. Sometimes telling that to myself was the only thing holding me together.

Hang in there. You can do this. You're stronger than you think. Keep reading here and posting. ((Waits)) and ((jimbo)) too.

eta: Okay, one more final, final thought. Are you a person that finds peace in nature in any way? For me, wide open views, whether of country side or ocean side or lake side - whatever - always brings me a feeling of calm and peace. Seek out a place in nature that calms or soothes you.

[This message edited by kernel at 8:19 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

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