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Do they become your safe person again?

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avicarswife posted 6/24/2013 04:40 AM

I guess I had always perceived my husband as someone who was my safe person - the person who had my best interests at heart. The person who made decisions with my welfare considered.

Then I found out about his affairs:
That he had unprotected sexual contact for close to 3 years with 2 women and never gave my health even the faintest thought.
He was gaslighting me so much I was going to the doctor to get medication for my "paranoid anxiety issues".

Today on a course about advanced directives we were talking about the need for enduring power of attorney for patients. Ensuring there was always someone who would advocate on their behalf with their needs foremost.

As part of the course in an exercise we were writing out our own advanced directive which included who we would want to have EPA for us. The supervisor said "choose someone who loves you and you know would make decisions on your behalf that would be solely on what is in your best interests".

I realised I no longer think of my husband like that. I feel suspicious and I actually wouldn't want him. The man I have been married to for 26 years, who I am intimate with and who appears remorseful and says he loves me more than anything - I don't see as my safe person.

The truth is, I even want to change my will, so it is my kids who would benefit in the event of my death. I guess I struggle with the thought I am easily replaced in his world now.

Do they ever become your safe person again?

If so how long before it returns?

Flatlined123 posted 6/24/2013 04:51 AM

It's funny, I was just thinking along a similar line yesterday. I think I'm back to believing H would follow my wishes and do what's in my best interest.

Would I have said that a year or more ago? I doubt it.

He is truely remorseful. He's changed so much and worked o hard to get where he is. In that aspect, I completely believe in him.

You don't sound like you're at that point.

jokes on me posted 6/24/2013 05:25 AM

No and that's really a freaking shame!

TrustGone posted 6/24/2013 07:12 AM

I just went through the same thing. I recently had surgery and now am facing a life threathening condition that has just been diagnoses. I had to fill out who the doctors can talk to, advanced directives,emergency contacts, etc.. I felt the same way. I really didn't want to put my WH#2 as any of those. My checking account after DDay, I changed who had control of it to my ex-BIL (we are like sister and brother and he doesn'r sspeak to my XWH#1). I wanted to make sure that he would at least not have total control. Even though he is listed on everything else I have, I don't really feel comfortable that he has that much control, but what do you do if you really have no one else to depend on? I hope someday we can get to the point of me feeling safe again, but for now I don't.

tushnurse posted 6/24/2013 08:32 AM

Yes they can be your safe person again, but it takes time. I had him removed as my emergency contact on everything, his name did not appear on my HIPAA forms in the Dr offices for several years. They are there now.

As far as the AD's go, I help a lot folks with these things, and I often tell them that although their spouse may seem the obvious choice they need to think if the spouse will be able to follow through on your wishes should the time come. I was an ICU nurse for many years, and can tell you that many spouses have a hard time sticking to what their spouse would want. People with massive strokes, brain injuries whatever where they will have absolutely NO quality of life end up with feeding tubes, trach's, and in Long Term Care. They can't bear to let go.

I also had a situation where a wife would never come see her spouse, he was on dialysis, liver was failing, was on and off a vent, it was horrible she wanted everything done. Well come to find out, a niece stops in and is all up in arms that her uncle is being kept alive, this isn't what he wanted. Guess who was exacting sweet revenge for him beating her for 30+ years. Yup the wife.
This is why it is soooo important to pick someone who you know will do what you want.

I do want to say though as you heal, and get through R. You will find your spouse as the safe person, and may even find that they are much better at being that person now than ever before.

summerain posted 6/24/2013 08:49 AM

As a t/j

Guess who was exacting sweet revenge for him beating her for 30+ years.

Good on her. He was a stupid man to list his victim as the person who would have his best interests at heart.

Razor posted 6/24/2013 08:55 AM

Not for me. I thought she was that person but she proved beyond all doubt that she is not.

Being betrayed has left me with a jaded view of everyone. I will never trust anyone ever again.

For small things yes. ok. Pick up milk on the way home from work. Feed the dogs. That sort of thing is about as far as it goes.

The only safe person I have left in my life is ME.

painpaingoaway posted 6/24/2013 09:38 AM

I consider H and I to be in a solid R, however, I DID change my will, and that's the way it shall remain. Yes, he is remorseful, and not the same monster that cheated on me, but regardless of how 'changed' he becomes, I will never trust him in the same way I once did.

My DD30 has POA, and my will is set up so that everything will bypass H, and my children will inherit it all. (I have significant property and investments completely separate from our marital assets).

Aside from the infidelity, I have seen far too many situations in my own extended family and others, where, once widowed, the 'lonely widower' falls for some 'sweet young' thing who really could not give a rats ass about him or his children, the dumb ass marries her, he dies, and she, as the wife, gets it all and the adult children get nothing. OR, even worse, then the 2nd wife dies, and since she had inherited everything from him when he died, HER adult children inherit everything, and refuse to share anything with the original children. Yes, there are ways of avoiding this kind of travesty from occurring thru the use of trusts and so forth, but unless the widower has the good sense to set it up in the beginning, it will probably will not happen.

H proved once that the "power of the pussy" was so strong that he could not resist it even while a kind, loving, sexually interested wife waited at home. I will NEVER believe that he would be able to resist some gold-digging trollop if she said all the right things, and waved her magic pussy wand over him if I was dead and gone.

SecondHelping posted 6/24/2013 09:48 AM

I realised I no longer think of my husband like that. I feel suspicious and I actually wouldn't want him. The man I have been married to for 26 years, who I am intimate with and who appears remorseful and says he loves me more than anything - I don't see as my safe person.

I had a similar thought last Friday. We signed re-mortgage papers and all the time, I'm thinking "Should I do this? What if we dont' stay together?" In the past, I would have never doubted that we might not be together for the life of the mortgage, but now I do. So sad.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 9:49 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 6/24/2013 09:50 AM

WH will never be a safe person for me- or my true love- or my soulmate- or my everything. He can never be. I will always be on guard for the rest of the time I spend with him, and can never expose my heart to this pain again.
Ed for typos

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 9:50 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 6/24/2013 10:09 AM

t/j...for those talking about changing wills to bypass spouse...I think that in order for that type of will to get past any kind of *contest* from the de-willed spouse (if spouse decides to do that) need to include a very specific intent (probably including your reasoning for cutting spouse out) in order for it to hold up and your spouse to receive what you intended and not what s/he is entitled to by law.
Just a caution......
end t/j

GraceisGood posted 6/24/2013 10:12 AM

Great topic and great perspectives being shared. Especially appreciate PPGA's perspective on wills even without infidelity being a factor, some good things women need to think about for themselves and their children.

As far as the original question goes, I think they could be our safe person again, I mean if they can do what we need to R then surely they can "be" that safe person (in general, not just in health issues) but the real sticking point (IMO) is can we let them?

My H may live out the rest of his years as the most trustworthy, putting my welfare above his own, kind of guy, but it is of no use if I cannot allow him to fulfill that role in my life due to his past offenses, is it?

I think it is really more a personal thing, we all heal differently, and we all have different thresholds of risk we are willing to take.

It is another thing some of us have to grieve and accept that we do not have the built in safe person others in a M do, that we will not have that level of trust and innocence.

Infidelity throws a huge wrench in this subject, but I think it is a subject that needs more thought for all married couples even without infidelity, for the reasons mentioned so far, a very serious matter, worthy of deep thought and contemplation IMO, thanks for bringing it up.


lost_in_toronto posted 6/24/2013 10:45 AM

Not for me. I do trust him to do what is best for our daughter. But my only safe people now are my sister and my best friend.

crazyblindsided posted 6/24/2013 12:25 PM

No WH has been demoted as my safe person and rightfully so. I'm not sure he'll ever get that title back even with the hard work, maybe 75%. My only safe people are my mom, dad, and sister and my kids help keep me going.

Ostrich80 posted 6/24/2013 12:57 PM

Mine will never be, in fact I consider him my unsafe person now. I used to think no matter what, he would take a bullet for me, now I think he would throw me in front to save his own ass. So disappointing and sad.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:05 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

whatdoto posted 6/24/2013 13:07 PM

Not WH. He still exhibits selfishness everyday towards me and DS. I always "thought" he had my back, but after discovering his A's, it's really tuned me into who he really is. The sad thing about that is, he doesn't see it, therefore, he doesn't need to fix it and he isn't.

As long as he's happy, then all is right in his world.

I had hoped after 3 years of trying to R, he would have "gotten" it.

Everyday is a new happy. For him.

64fleet posted 6/24/2013 14:32 PM

Mine actually got mad about this-I use my sister as "next of kin" instead of fWW.
I fully trust my sis, she's the only one I do trust.

Not sure if that is legal, though.

hopefullromantic posted 6/24/2013 17:03 PM

I guess I questioned that for the first couple of years. But at this point I again look at my H as the safest person in my life.

I think a lot depends on the particulars. Multiple A's, false R's, the ratio of faithful yrs to unfaithful....they all contribute to the level of trust vs. mistrust.

libertyrocks posted 6/24/2013 17:18 PM

Fuck no! NEVER.

Neithan posted 6/24/2013 20:42 PM

Safe for most routine needs and purposes. But once, "safe" was once another word for her.

Now it's where I keep my valuable stuff..

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