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Exit Wife of 20 Years, Enter OW

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Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 07:44 AM

As "our" divorce becomes closer to reality, some of the in laws are beginning to speak more vocally about OW.

It emotionally destroys me to hear, as they are people I've known since I was 18 and I am 40 now. Though it was not an easy group to be in, I never had anything like it growing up and I was very much the family wife and inlaw. I supported all their events and was the one in our family who made mention of b'days and made sure we arrived with at least a card, though there are over 50 of them.

Anyway, I can't seem to get them to understand that if they are going to welcome OW to their folds, I cannot be part of it-when "it" is not there-I cannot be "friends" with people who accept this person in any way, shape, or form.

I tried to explain, through my tears to the eldest, that I don't have it in me to do when they say "oh, he won't come and you can." They are clearly uncomfortable even with Perv, their own brother and what he did, but they rug sweep so badly and he knows that. It is doubted he will even ask, because of his sense of social contract and entitlement and will just appear with his new family, for OW has a whole tribe he is now integrated with.

I have realized that I have to let them go, but there is so much to let go that I struggle. Some are very kind and working very hard to hang on to me and the kindness in itself makes me cry. But if they associate with that person, I. just. can't.

Some may lie to me and some may be more blunt and try to make us both their friend, but at least right now it is very firm in my broken heart.

Though I don't want to and try not to listen, I hear that OW is slowly being integrated into the life and area Perv left behind and emotionally this is killing me. I tell people "don't tell me anything" and I've asked him not to tell me, but it slips out. He will speak of shopping places or restaurants and I know he's not going alone.

I don't know how to emotionally survive this and just when I think my heart is as hard and black as it can be, it breaks again.

I do not believe that she has set foot in my house or yard yet, but have no idea. I made some very clear boundaries but know it will not be forever that I can keep them-they don't think the way I or anyone else does.

Thanks for reading my posts and being present in the darkest period of my whole life. I don't know how I'm going to get through all that is happening and all that is to come.

I've been living one day at a time for over a year and I tell you, it is stretching my nerves raw.

MyReturn2Me posted 6/24/2013 07:53 AM


jackie89 posted 6/24/2013 08:24 AM

I'm so sorry - I can feel your pain.

I'm not good at giving advice, but I just couldn't imagine the pain of his family accepting the OW, the woman that helped destroy your family, into their lives.

I guess they must feel that they love your STBXH and probably feel put in the middle and at some point will NEED to accept her, I would be willing to be they don't WANT to. Is it unfair to you? of course it is.

But maybe it's a good thing that you exit now - for your healing. The less you have to do with his family, the better.

Hang in there.. this too shall pass!

Faithful w/Love posted 6/24/2013 08:26 AM


Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 08:43 AM

Thanks, everybody.

Jackie, that's what I'm thinking. A few of them still keep in touch with me and I see them one-on-one, but it's getting harder and harder as the divorce process moves on.

The one I was thinking of when I wrote the thread here I think has genuinely good intentions, but is maybe forgetting the pain it is making for me in addition to the pain I have.

Yes, like you say, I wonder if it is delaying my ability to heal to be around them at all, but how to just drop everything from the life I built, all at once? I think she is so much of a realist that she forgets other things, incidentals of a person like feelings.

I don't know what will happen with it and don't know how long I can rug-sweep it, for chances are that some will want to see the baby, so there will be him to think of, too.

Yes, blood truly is thicker than water and all these fundamental or rudimentary sayings we have in life are kind of Perv's life rafts now.

I think they are very put in the middle and I've worked hard to back away.

One of my supporters is going to be the baby's godfather and I feel this sense of competition about him already ever meeting "her". He says he doesn't want to and will shut the door if she shows up on his porch, but would he really?

They are trying to be kind and even Perv says, "I won't go if you want to", but some of them have snubbed me already and some have actually called up and yelled at me. Luckily, these are out-of-towners, but slowly and surely, it is being made to feel like my place is being pushed out the door.

This happened to my dad in some ways, because there was no cheating but when my mother abandoned him, long time friends-and new ones-didn't know what to do or who to remain friendly with, without hurting the other.

Perv claims he told them he wants me to remain friendly with them, but it irks me and is a feeling of crumbs and permission.

I try to remind myself of their faults, the drinking, drugs, the level of dysfunction and times they made me uncomfortable, but it's still ...loss. It's still...change, that I didn't want.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/24/2013 08:49 AM


He's a complete asshole. FTG. And fuck her for letting a man leave his pregnant wife. What a horrible woman!! How is she not telling him to go take care of his family?? They are just awful, awful people..

And I definitely struggle with the in-laws too, but I'm letting them go. After over a decade of being my family, they don't even bother to ask me if what he says is the truth.. If they are associating with the OW, I think we are correct to cut them off unless it's specifically about the kids..

Stand tall and proud Ashland. You are amazing. None of them deserve you or your friendship..

TrustGone posted 6/24/2013 09:10 AM

It is hard to cut people out of your life/family after so long. I know I had also been with XWH#1 since I was 18 and we D'd when I turned 40. These people had been a part of my life through everything for over 20+ yrs. After I filed for D they all either quit calling or turned on me. Only my Ex-BIL and SIL were there for me and they still are a part of my family and always will be and haven't spoken to XWH#1 in over 10yrs and have no desire to. Now ex-MIL is contacting me and wanting to be friends again. I am civil when she calls, but I have no desire to get back involved in that toxic family. It hurt me at the time to cut them out of my life, but with time I did become indifferent to them all. If they are not respecting you then they should not be a part of your life. (((HUGS)))

Chrysalis123 posted 6/24/2013 09:18 AM

Some are very kind and working very hard to hang on to me and the kindness in itself makes me cry. But if they associate with that person, I. just. can't.

This happened to me too. What I did was slowly detach from them all. And it hurt just as badly as the affair and divorce because it was another betrayal. I was completely blindsided by them

The one person that was really kind to me was also an "out-law" like me...married into the family. She said to me many times, "I can see what will happen to me now if I get cheated on."

Years after the divorce when it dawned on them I had been the one orchestrating visits and they now barely got to see the kids, X-MIL blamed me yet again. She wanted to reestablish contact with me. Crickets from me. Where was she when I was a sobbing mess on the floor? She was publicly denigrating me. I AM positive that my decline of her oh so kind and oh so self serving offer had her spoutting off on what an evil bytch I was and am.

Too bad...I have moved doesn't hurt anymore and I am indifferent and actually thankful I learned to recognize NPD from that family.

(((Ashland)))) be extra kind to yourself as you work through this. Everytime you doubt yourself think..."Would I treat family like this?"

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 9:19 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

newlysingle posted 6/24/2013 09:27 AM


I can so feel your pain. It is yet again another fallout from the ugly situation we all face. I feel so betrayed by my MIL now that I can't even talk to her. She had been so supportive of me when the A came out even telling me that WH was the most selfish person she'd ever met and that I should get as far away from him as possible. She encouraged me to find someone new who'd respect me and make me happy, etc.

Then I found out that OW had been up to meet them before we even filed for divorce! I was literally sick over it. I knew that they would one day meet her and probably accept her, but I figured it would be well after our divorce. But before we even filed? It was a betrayal as big as the A was. I've only spoken to her once since I found out.

My FIL is dying of cancer and I always figured I'd attend the funeral as I really loved him, but not now. I know that the whore will be there and I can't do that.

peridot posted 6/24/2013 10:54 AM

As hard as it might be, I think it would be best to seperate from them now, especially the dysfunctional ones. As for them seeing the kids, they can do that on your STBXH's time with the kids.

You are right, blood is thicker than water. I tried to stay friendly with the in-laws for the kids but it just didn't work. They also accepted the OW and I just couldn't associate myself with anyone who accepted her.

MissMoneypenny posted 6/24/2013 10:57 AM

Dear Ashland,

I hear you and understand you so well !
I am sure your in-laws and the family have good intentions and they absolutely MEAN it when they say that you are welcome anytime etc. but it is just realistic that sooner or later OW will slowly enter the family scene.
And that hurts so much - especially because you were the organized DIL, taking care of so many things.
His family will try to "balance" both of you and the more time passes and the more you build your own life the distance will grow ; at least this is what I am experiencing though I must say that in my case it is also a matter of regional distance (I live in Europe and in-laws live in Asia).

I have no advice for you , just sending you big hugs !!!

Kajem posted 6/24/2013 11:04 AM

I have a different experience with my IL's initially. They did not agree with their son cheating on his marriage. They originally gave me money to see lawyers. They were very close to my kids when they were growing up. Always coming to school events, taking the kids for a day or weekend. They were/are very close to my kids.

When X was told to leave, he was also told to go to his parents. His father was worried about what was happening with his son.. and new what I was going thru and was not happy about it. MIL was one of my best friends. We were more to each other than related by marriage. I was always told I was more than a DIL. which I felt.

Once the divorce was filed.. XH told MIL that if she didn't accept OW as his family, MIL would not be seeing the kids all that often. I did my best to keep the kids in touch with his parents, but his telling blatant lies about me... poisoned the relationship.

His sister and I kept in touch, Her marriage also ended due to infidelity. We made an agreement not to talk about him directly, but to focus on the kids and what they were going thru. She has 2 kids and was a good resource for me dealing with my kids. She believed in me. It got to a point where her relationship with me created a barrier in her relationship with her parents. XH disowned SIL but kept telling his parents that he called her and she would not speak to him...etc. They believed him.

9 years later, NW and DD2 (20yo) have a falling out. DD2 is unexpected pregnant. Anyway, NW's and XH's true colors come out in truly glorious vindictive behavior toward DD2 toward the end of her pregnancy. At one point NW ordered XH to cut DD's phone off (a month before due date) in front of IL's and then ORDERED everyone present NOT to tell DD2 or the penalty would be severe. IL's struggled with this, DD2 is young, pregnant, single, her life is about to change ... and she needs support. It took them almost a week and they called to let DD know her phone was to be shut off. MIL was crying to DD about it apologizing... DD was upset her grandmother was crying. I ended up talking to MIL... told her the kids were always accessible to her.. I had given her phone numbers and college addresses over the years. (X and NW kept telling them I gave them the wrong address- but never gave them the 'right' address.

Anyway. DGD was born, XH was told he was not allowed to visit the hospital. He snuck in. He was told he was not allowed to attend DGD's christening... NW got on the phone yelling at FIL... FIL handed the phone to MIL at the same time NW handed the phone to XH. XH told MIL that FIL threatened NW. MIL heard FIL and no threats were made. XH tells MIL that she doesn't know what she is talking about and to keep FIL away from NW and hangs up.

MIL and FIL got (in a few months) the full picture of what their son and his wife had been doing to Kajem and her kids from the beginning. They get it. They visit my home regularly to see their grand daughters and great grand daughter. We talk about once a week regarding the little love that lives with me and what cute thing she is presently doing. Relationships between them and SIL, granddaughters (4) are good. I am good with my relationship with them... although it will never be what it was... it is still good.

Do what you need to do for your healing. I needed to step back from those that believed the lies. The one family member that did not believe the lies, (SIL) I stayed in touch with. She and I and all our research regarding NPD have helped to bring her parents healing.

They have essentially let their son order to keep themselves walking in the truth.

For that I am grateful, it wasn't easy for them to do that.



dreamlife posted 6/24/2013 11:20 AM

Stay strong!

((((huge hugs))))

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 11:28 AM


Your tagline is the story of my life!

It's like you knew Perv and wrote his profile.

He's still doing it.

Does it just become a habit?

peridot posted 6/24/2013 11:31 AM

Kajem, I wish more in-laws were like that.

Helen of Troy posted 6/24/2013 11:39 AM

Yes I was where you are too similar situation.
I'm sorry for your pain. The audacity of any OW to swoop in like an ugly, dirty, vulture to chow down on things that took 20 years to build is just disgusting.

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 11:41 AM

Thank you, everybody, I think I'm repeating thanks now.

Kajem, what a difficult and personal story-thank you so much for sharing it with us.

One or two IL's are trying really hard to keep in touch with me and want to be more than "once a week" in DD's life. I am grateful for that and also appalled at myself for being so needy for human kindness. For a time I was made to feel like I didn't deserve any. Perv tried to make me believe I ruined his life. He tried to make me believe I caused him to have an affair. Anyway...

I think if DD10 were the only child involved, I could get away with kind of fading out of the picture. They have weekly get to-gethers and are both kind and pushy with extending invitations. I am so disturbed by the people who are hurting me right now that I cannot comprehend showing up again. I don't know if that will change, but I also don't want anyone being uncomfortable because of me, esp. when I did nothing, except try to be the best wife I could (not enough I guess).

Most of them are aware of Perv's actions and activities and are trying to sort through their own feelings about him. Many don't seem to know how to approach him, some have said they ignore him, some don't know what to say. Is it wrong to feel glad about that awkwardness?

All of their lives they rug sweep and now one of them has made such a wrong that they simply cannot rug-sweep or bail this one out anymore.

Yes, it is probably going to go down like Kajem's story, because above all else, they protect their own. The fight like dogs with each other but in the end are also there for each other, though I remember them arguing over their mother's death bed. It ended up me sitting with her quietly and holding her hand while they fought, so she could feel a presence. I won't ever forget it.

And Ow will never experience it.

With the coming baby, I don't know what will happen. I have managed to fend off Perv's ability to remove the baby from my care for about a year, esp. if I am nursing, but after that I will have a hard time both emotionally being separated if the baby has to go visiting.

One of the things that happened is that DD10 and I got severe separation anxiety from each other and from people in general after he abandoned us and I can already feel it about the baby. Is it worse if they want to see him, or if they don't?

Will he have to go near OW, my brand new son? Will she get to attend the occasions with my daughter and little boy?

And mostly, how do I get past this next part that is coming?

IrishLass518 posted 6/24/2013 14:28 PM

Ashland, Like you I had to let go of my extended family. I knew that I would never not be involved with our children but In-Laws I had to let go of and it hurt. I did not contact them for a very long time. They tried to have relationships with xWH and OWifetress. Through a series of events, everyone of them ended up NC with the two of them and ASKED to be a part of my life again. I am enjoying building new relationships with them all and my children. You never know how things will go down

tryingagain74 posted 6/24/2013 14:59 PM

I have some experience with this as well. While XWH's family continues to be nice to me and occasionally reaches out to me, I'm not sure what to expect once the OW becomes the OWife and starts going on the family vacations and creating a relationship with XWH's family. They might continue their relationship with me, or they might drop me like a hot potato if XWH demands it (like if it makes Owife feel uncomfortable). They are all LD, so it's not having the same direct impact on me as it is on you, but it sucks all the same.

I was telling my kids today that while the worst thing about the D was hurting them, the second worst thing was losing XWH's family because they've never been anything but decent and kind to me. Now, after knowing them for about 19 years, the OW gets to waltz in and take my place. It's ridiculously unfair, but there's nothing any of us can do in this situation but accept it and move on.


Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 17:06 PM

What's so strange, is that this is a group that often gave me nothing but a hard time. They are very aloof people, some of the biggest snobs I have ever met, some of the biggest losers I have ever met.

I have always, always wondered what MIL would have to say about the turn out of her many children. So many. So much dysfunction, so much not getting along, so much narcissism and they don't even appreciate each other. The sisters are a hair more personal but you have to watch the gossips and sorry, but I get very tired of small talk. Years and years of small talk, but years and years of things the same and now ripped away.

So many of them are divorced or have live-in relationships and I notice now, it's very astute for me nowadays, to see how awful the inlaws treat the outlaws, for yes, I forget who posted that but I was the youngest "outlaw". Some of them are 20 years my senior, some the same age as my parents.

I think because the changes are so many, so vast and so big that I can't compartmentalize them in my dark hours and I see it all drifting away, like a torrential flood and I am on a raft but no one is there to help. People say polite things and they want to help, but in the thick of things or my daily life, there is no one but DD and my elderly little cat.

I take comfort from them, though and have word from my lawyer that they cannot be taken away from me, nor the baby-no more can be taken away from me than has already been, according to him and Perv is doing some things that could get him hot water with the law, now that the divorce process he wanted is happening.

There are other things I can't figure out or find answers for and they haunt me.

One I will ask that bothers me day and night is, why do I mourn the loss of a person who did such horrible things? He not only had the A, but did and said some of the worst things you ever could to another human that are not physical. He is too cowardly for that, though I understand I am a victim of emotional abuse and also of holding money/control abuse.

I cannot for the life of me, figure out why the daily crying is still coming and why I can't seem to let go of such a dirty, rotten soul as that man turned out to be. A friend of mine from growing up said it was like he sold his soul to the devil to get almost a permanent bathroom pass when he chose to sneak out that first night.

I understand fully, at long last, the extent of hurt and damage he created and left in his wake, but get mad at myself because I should be more detached. I think in my heart I don't really care anymore, but I wonder. It feels more maternal than anything else, worry that he will get himself in legal trouble because he's flubbed numbers, worry that he'll get in trouble and try to take DD out of jurisdiction.

I think of his health because I had to see him recently and he looks like no one I ever met-very bloated in the face and belly, which I meant to ask, does anyone know what a bloated face could mean?

I've read and heard all kinds of things, but I promise that I don't dwell on it-I think it was such a shock to see him at mediation I had to blink.

My doctors and counselor suggested the pregnancy could be holding me back and causing a lot more vulnerability with emotions? and I get angry because I just want to enjoy it. I always wanted one more and I struggle for it not to be ruined.

I'm sorry for my long posts, it seems to get pent up inside and all come out on here.

There is a lot I understand but a lot I don't, mostly human nature.

I do agree with all of you in my moments of clarity.

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