I debated whether or not to even post this, so it may be a bit rambling. I apologize in advance.
Some of you may remember me from several years ago. I D'd XWH and re-married a couple of years later. DH and I had a few rocky times while dating, including the confession of his that he had once been an OM and had remained friends with the woman, even though her H disapproved (FWIW, she lied to him about the status of their marriage- he thought they were divorcing- and in the end it sounds as if DH was a revenge A on her part- but I still cringe about it all). He has been NC with her for many years now, and NC with other exes. We've been married 5 years and have 2 little ones.
DH knew me while I was going through my divorce- in some ways I wonder why he had interest in me after his prior experience, but that's another thread. Point is, he knows how devastating XH's infidelity (a year-long A with a married but much younger co-worker) was.
Let me preface by saying I have no problems with having friends of the opposite sex, as long as there are appropriate boundaries.
I am starting to feel that boundaries are getting blurred with a female ex-co-worker of DH's.
They were friendly while they worked together, and I met her several times, liked her, and she seemed to always ask about me and how I was doing (a good thing, I think). She's very attractive, fun, out-going. Although I noticed how attractive she was, I have complete faith in DH... and still do. But I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable.
A few weeks ago, DH went out to lunch with her but another woman co-worker went too. DH told me about it ahead of time, and told me he wasn't sure if the third person was going but mentioned that the ex-coworker said if it was just the two of them, that'd be OK because it would be good to catch up... hmmm...
A week later, DH thinks she was down in the dumps and asks her to lunch. This time they go alone. She tells him she is separating from her H and he is moving out. DH tells me about the lunch and the news that night, and is slightly pissed and defensive when I ask him who asked who to lunch... I think all of you know why I asked that... but yeah, maybe I jumped the gun a bit.
DH have long drawn-out conversation about boundaries, which we've discussed ad nauseum before (while dating, I felt uncomfortable with some of his communications with exes, the reason why he is no longer in contact with them... he admits he was overly flirtatious at the time).
After our conversation, I do something I haven't done in years. I search his personal email for her name (I could have access to his work email, but I am trying NOT to be a cop here). I find a chat, moments after they've both gotten back from their lunch together. She is still pissed off about work and down about home life, and DH mentioned something about they should've driven around with the top down (convertible)... (he later says he was trying to boost her spirits, I get into it about how he is NOT responsible for another woman's emotional state, and that he is NOT a knight in shining armor). She responds to the top down comment with some joke about how she had to read that twice. Har har.
So, I'm not feeling comfortable. DH knows all this (and that I checked his email), we've talked about it, he still doesn't understand really... he says he knows he'll never cross a line and so doesn't think it was really inappropriate because HE knows he will never be unfaithful. I say everybody thinks that, and reiterate all the stuff we say about boundaries on here.
She happens to run into a mutual friend- they did not know he was a mutual friend... she contacts him to tell him... DH forwards me the email (work email) to show he is being transparent and showing me all the correspondence... but I don't think he's happy about it because it is slightly accusatory of me to request all of this...
So, I don't want to police. Heck, I don't want to worry about this type of stuff to begin with. I really thought DH understood how I felt about boundaries, since we've discussed so many times before....
So, thoughts? How would my infinitely wise SIers handle this situation? Am I being too accusatory? Or does this strike you odd? I actually don't think they are INTENTIONALLY trying to start anything, I just see the beginning of the slippery slope and I wonder how much I can (and should) guard the rail....
[This message edited by hill at 8:50 AM, June 24th (Monday)]