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TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/24/2013 09:33 AM

This might be rambly because I'm in mama bear mode. There was a thread in NB about wanting to say thank you to the ex for helping make you the stronger person you are today. I was thinking but didn't comment that I wanted to say thank you to the OW for having a part in helping me realize what an abusive asshole STBX has always been and the lengths he will go to to feed his dysfunctions....including hurting his children by ripping this family apart. Since then I've have a strong urge to email or even go to their job and confront her...to say thank you and to get in a few insults. Last night my mind wandered and I thought about exactly what we would tell the kids. Oldest DD is very sensitive and the pressure in my heart thinking about her reaction could have produced a diamond. So I'm just pissed off today for the kids. I know it will pass but I think I need a babysitter so I don't actually confront the whore. Not because I'm sad about STBX...but again, because of my poor babies.

Then I thought about how many times he had told me how he wanted to get out of there. How he brought all his desk stuff home because he didn't want to seem like he'd be there long. Then having to be pushed to look for job and finally telling me he didn't want to leave and he wasn't going to look for one. And thinking about how he wasn't showing any remorse. Now I wonder if I should change my signature line to say false R for almost a year and a half.

SBB posted 6/24/2013 09:44 AM

There is no healing down that path - just more pain.

I too had the fantasies and did manage to give OWUglyIndian a piece of my mind.

She didn't deserve any of my emotion - not even my fury.

My suggestion is to write it all out. Letters to him, letters to her, letters to yourself. Then burn them all.

Do this as often as you need to.

Do not make her so important - she simply isn't. She is irrelevant. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/24/2013 10:21 AM

I'm actually so detached from him because of accepting the reality of who he has been and who he is now, that I don't have an urge to say anything to him. That last part about false R is because I think I like the facts and to state the facts. I want to be clear about my life.

Regarding the OW, something that sticks out in my mind is a letter I asked STBX to write last year. I felt there wasn't any closure on what happened and I wanted something to send if I wanted to. One of the line he wrote was something like, "you passed my desk everyday and saw the pictures of my children everyday just like me." That has stuck with me. Thinking about telling the kids about divorcing just makes me want to kill her.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:22 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

peridot posted 6/24/2013 10:42 AM

Do what Strong suggested and write letters instead of confronting her. It won't do any good and you'll only be giving her satisfaction.

I confronted both of them, even wrote letters. It didn't do any good. I didn't get any thing out of it. It didn't help me with healing.

dindy posted 6/24/2013 12:37 PM

I wrote that post that sent you spiralling TattoodChinaDoll, I hope you are feeling better for your kids now?

I felt quite strongly about OW for a while too but I now know that if it wasn't her it WOULD have been someone else. Like you, OW worked with XWS and would have seen a picture of my DS on xWS' desk. I don't think xWS even bothered to put up a picture of our DD on his desk as their A started whilst I was pregnant with her.

I doubt either of them gave a shit about my tough pregnancy and even tougher 10 day slow labour, emergency cesarean, post-partum haemmorage, problems breast feeding or having to wear a catheter for nearly 8 weeks. Not to mention my DD's tongue tie for which she had to have surgery and osteopathy for.

She is clearly a very broken person just like him.

I know one day when my children are older they will ask me what happened and I will have to tell them that their dad had an affair when they were only very young, that he didn't give a shit about saving our relationship or family nor once begged for forgiveness. I can only help them come to terms with it.

I'm confident by the time that happens there will be a very special man in our lives who will be my 100% amazing partner and their 100% amazing father and teach them how to act with honour, respect and integrity.

Sending healing vibes to you. :)

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 12:37 PM

Yes, I totally agree on writing but not sending. Nothing good ever seems to come with contacting OW, from experience of her contacting me, I can attest to that.

OW found out Perv was married and kept him. I cannot fathom that and know I'm not supposed to, but in effort to put it away, have wondered what in hell kind of person accepts a married guy with a pregnant wife at home and has him move all in-I don't get it.

A neighbor of mine is also a betrayed wife. Her ExH is a mechanic and he and friends put pictures in their toolboxes, as if they were desks. Apparently, that OW would find reasons to go to the garage, while she was wooing him and she would go so far as to ask about his kids as a way to get him to speak to her. She also knew she getting involved with a married man, but did it anyway.

My friend learned eventually that the reason for the OW's divorce there was sleeping with her husband's brother.

And on and on it goes.

I'm sorry, China Doll, and I battle the Mama Bear feelings, too, every day.

I've also heard of what you write, it is not uncommon for people to be thankful, but it's often long after they are healed.

dindy posted 6/24/2013 13:07 PM

I'm sorry TattoodChinaDoll, I've just re-read through my post and I didn't intend to waffle on about myself.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/24/2013 14:14 PM

Dindy - your post didn't trigger anything new. It's something that I've thought about for a long time. I think it was more that my mind wandered as I was falling asleep last night and made me upset for my children.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/24/2013 14:14 PM

Double post

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 2:15 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

dindy posted 6/24/2013 15:19 PM

I know that feeling too well TattoodChinaDoll. I just keep telling myself that my children are better off without their father and all of his broken being in their lives very much.

SBB posted 6/24/2013 16:33 PM

I hold all of the OW accountable for fucking a married man. I do not hold them accountable for ending the marriage and changing my children's lives - the man I married did that.

What you are feeling is completely normal - its almost like we reach maximum capacity of hurt from the WS so try to distract ourselves by demonising the AP.

I think for a time it also made me feel better to blame her - he wouldn't have done it if XYZ. Truth is he would have done it with ANYONE.

She is not the problem - he is. I'll repeat - if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

Focus your energy on you and your kids. I hate what this has done to my girls lives more than anything. It is the thing the causes me the most pain. But I can't control what he did or does nor what kind of father he is - I can only control me.

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