Then I thought about how many times he had told me how he wanted to get out of there. How he brought all his desk stuff home because he didn't want to seem like he'd be there long. Then having to be pushed to look for job and finally telling me he didn't want to leave and he wasn't going to look for one. And thinking about how he wasn't showing any remorse. Now I wonder if I should change my signature line to say false R for almost a year and a half.
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I too had the fantasies and did manage to give OWUglyIndian a piece of my mind.
She didn't deserve any of my emotion - not even my fury.
My suggestion is to write it all out. Letters to him, letters to her, letters to yourself. Then burn them all.
Do this as often as you need to.
Do not make her so important - she simply isn't. She is irrelevant. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else.
Regarding the OW, something that sticks out in my mind is a letter I asked STBX to write last year. I felt there wasn't any closure on what happened and I wanted something to send if I wanted to. One of the line he wrote was something like, "you passed my desk everyday and saw the pictures of my children everyday just like me." That has stuck with me. Thinking about telling the kids about divorcing just makes me want to kill her.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:22 AM, June 24th (Monday)]
I confronted both of them, even wrote letters. It didn't do any good. I didn't get any thing out of it. It didn't help me with healing.
It is what it is.
I felt quite strongly about OW for a while too but I now know that if it wasn't her it WOULD have been someone else. Like you, OW worked with XWS and would have seen a picture of my DS on xWS' desk. I don't think xWS even bothered to put up a picture of our DD on his desk as their A started whilst I was pregnant with her.
I doubt either of them gave a shit about my tough pregnancy and even tougher 10 day slow labour, emergency cesarean, post-partum haemmorage, problems breast feeding or having to wear a catheter for nearly 8 weeks. Not to mention my DD's tongue tie for which she had to have surgery and osteopathy for.
She is clearly a very broken person just like him.
I know one day when my children are older they will ask me what happened and I will have to tell them that their dad had an affair when they were only very young, that he didn't give a shit about saving our relationship or family nor once begged for forgiveness. I can only help them come to terms with it.
I'm confident by the time that happens there will be a very special man in our lives who will be my 100% amazing partner and their 100% amazing father and teach them how to act with honour, respect and integrity.
Sending healing vibes to you. :)
OW found out Perv was married and kept him. I cannot fathom that and know I'm not supposed to, but in effort to put it away, have wondered what in hell kind of person accepts a married guy with a pregnant wife at home and has him move all in-I don't get it.
A neighbor of mine is also a betrayed wife. Her ExH is a mechanic and he and friends put pictures in their toolboxes, as if they were desks. Apparently, that OW would find reasons to go to the garage, while she was wooing him and she would go so far as to ask about his kids as a way to get him to speak to her. She also knew she getting involved with a married man, but did it anyway.
My friend learned eventually that the reason for the OW's divorce there was sleeping with her husband's brother.
And on and on it goes.
I'm sorry, China Doll, and I battle the Mama Bear feelings, too, every day.
I've also heard of what you write, it is not uncommon for people to be thankful, but it's often long after they are healed.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 2:15 PM, June 24th (Monday)]
What you are feeling is completely normal - its almost like we reach maximum capacity of hurt from the WS so try to distract ourselves by demonising the AP.
I think for a time it also made me feel better to blame her - he wouldn't have done it if XYZ. Truth is he would have done it with ANYONE.
She is not the problem - he is. I'll repeat - if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.
Focus your energy on you and your kids. I hate what this has done to my girls lives more than anything. It is the thing the causes me the most pain. But I can't control what he did or does nor what kind of father he is - I can only control me.