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Newest Member: Schattenfell (61077)

User Topic: Need advice
♀ 39618
Member # 39618
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure where to post this (Reconciliation, General, etc.) so I am posting it here. I apologize in advance for the length.
Here is my story (and it's a long and weird one): I divorced my first husband in 2008 after a 20+year marriage that was verbally and emotionally abusive. We had four kids and I always told myself if I just tried harder he would be happier. Well, after 20 years I finally came to my senses and realized he was chronically depressed and nothing I could do would fix him. He refused to get help and finally I got the courage up and left.
I was single for two years and then in 2010 I "met" my current husband (we had known each other through work since 2006 but were just colleagues). We started going out and things were great. We got married July, 2012. He lives about 40 miles from where I live and we could not find a big enough house for all of our kids (he 2, me 3; 4th is married). We decided to wait until my daughter graduated from high school (she was starting her senior year). So, we have had a semi "long distance" marriage. There were a few glitches with the kids but by and large our marriage was great. I thought to myself, this is how a marriage should be (not like my previous one).
My husband had a few problems with trust at first (his ex wife had cheated on him throughout the marriage). But, then he came to realize how important faithfulness is to me and that I would never cheat. I thought the same of him (I can just hear all of you saying, "big mistake"). Anyway, in December of 2012 I found his skype account open and started to read a few conversations (they were a combination of texting and video which I couldn't see, only read). He never deleted the conversations, I don't think he knew how. Most of the conversations were with his ex wife. I knew he skyped with her, he told me they skyped sometimes but it was mainly because the kids needed to talk to her (they are here with him and she lives overseas) and that he and the ex needed to discuss the kids, etc. I asked him how she looked in these conversations and he joked that I had nothing to worry about, that because of her past cheating on him he can't stand her and she would be the last woman he would be interested in, etc. However, as I scanned a few of these conversations it seemed to me he was having an emotional affair with her. They talked about things like her job search, that she was depressed, he was sorry she was going through such a rough time, she needed to relax more, etc. Some of the conversations were 30-40 minutes long. I was furious and confronted him. He tried to tell me that they were just normal conversations that he had with the mother of his kids and I was overreacting. I asked him how many times he skyped with her, was it every day, once a week, etc. and how long were the conversations. He finally admitted that yes, it was too much contact. It was sometimes 2-3 times a week for extended periods of time. I asked him if things ever got sexual and he admitted that yes, there were a few times that things got out of line and they talked about sexual topics. I asked how out of line and he became very upset so I asked to see one of these "out of line" conversations. He brought one up and I read it. In detail. Everything they messaged to each other. I was devastated. I now understand the phrase, "my world turned upside down." It was awful. They were basically having sex though skype. I threw my ring at him and told him we were over, etc. He cried and begged to explain it and be given another chance (the usual song and dance, I suppose of all these men once they are caught). Although since I had never seen him cry or get this emotional, I told him I would listen to his "explanation". And what an explanation it was: I don't think anyone has heard one like this.
He explained that he really has no feelings for his ex (only negative ones). That he "lured" her into these conversations (non-sexual at first) to get her to trust him and then he steered them to the sexual area so he could humiliate her (like she had done to him throughout their marriage by cheating constantly). Apparently he was humiliating her by telling her how sexy she was and how much she turned him on (yes, really). He also claimed that he was trying to find out who she cheated on him with (he always suspected one of his close friends, and just had to find out) and this would be a "perfect" way to get information from her. He admitted that he was "sick" and promised he would do whatever I wanted him to. So, I told him in December that I wanted at least four months to decide if I wanted to stay with him or not.
We have been in marriage counseling since December and he has been in individual counseling since that time also. He has deleted skype from his computer, I have passwords to his email accounts (work and home) and he has had no contact with the ex. If she needs to speak to the kids, she contacts her oldest son. The counselor basically says he has a problem with compartmentalizing. That yes, he was able to still love me and do that with her because he saw it as a solution to his problem, etc. He claims he loves me and will never do anything like this again. He sees what an idiot he was and how he was only humiiating me and himself and not her. So in April I told him, I would stay as long as he continues counseling, and "behaves" (for lack of a better word).
Everything has been going well (in the beginning I had a problem because I printed out the conversations and kept reading them over and over, constantly, but I have been successful in the last couple of months in not reading them).
I didn't think I would still feel so conflicted. Some days I love him and have such positive feelings for the future. Other days, I feel hopeless and can't believe he could deceive me so easily. How could he do this to me, to us? Then I think about the lying: How could someone lie so easily and cover this up so long? How could he be so happy and satisfied with me, tell me he loves me, misses me, and then get on skype and do that with her?
Well, if you're still reading, that's it. I'm curious if some of the other betrayed spouses still have these days after working on reconciliation and what you do to "get over" it. Have others had wayward spouses with compartmentalizing issues? Has anyone else had such an excuse used on them? Do you believe it? Thanks for listening.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI

I'm glad to hear that you and your H are in MC and that he is in IC. How is that going? Has he recanted the story of "Humiliating" his XW? For if he hasn't then I would worry about that. Must be lots of bitterness and hatred buried to want to do that. Personally I find his reason more disturbing than cheating. This may just be me though.

As to the ups and downs in dealing with infidelity, it happens if your are in reconciliation and in separation and divorce. It is part of the healing process from infidelity. We often refer to it as a rollercoaster. One day is great and the next is awful. One day there is so much hope and another you feel like when you found out.

When you get down are you able to communicate with your H about this? If not maybe an IC would be helpful to give yourself an outlet. In the mean time try to communicate your feelings on things with him. Watch to see what changes he is making and make sure actions back up his words.

Posts: 54405 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 38337
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there Deceived, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sounds like you have taken appropriate steps with respect to your H not having contact with his XW. When it comes to his excuse, however, I would give him an A for creativity, an F for plausibility. There is more to the story than what he has told you, I'm afraid.

I hope you can do your best to look after yourself. In my experience, MC was not a good option when we tried it in the beginning, as H was not being honest at that point. I hope you can find healing and the life you deserve. Take care.


The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. John 1:5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 39618
Member # 39618
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Edith and Moving Upward. Well, he has since then explained in more detail why. He says the main reason was to get her to trust him and then he could get more information out of her about who she cheated with in the past. It's an issue that really bothers him; I think there may be a relative that he has always suspected and was hoping to finally get an answer. He stated that he never had any closure and the "terible mistake" (as he calls the affair) would be a way to get closure.

He is trying very hard, is very sorry, continues to be transparent, etc. Sometimes, I can tell he feels I dwell on the A too much -- he has never said this, it's a feeling I get. And recently he said, that eventually in the future, he expects that we will talk about it much less, which in a way annoys me but maybe he has a point.

In any case, I'm really glad this website is here and that people are willing to answer questions and give advice.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39217
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you have to be here
Just my 2cents...
Sometimes, I can tell he feels I dwell on the A too much -- he has never said this, it's a feeling I get. And recently he said, that eventually in the future, he expects that we will talk about it much less, which in a way annoys me but maybe he has a point.

This from the man who is married to you but cannot let go of his xw affair...I don't think so! He needs to realize that he did cheat on you but just the fact that he cheated on you to try to get more info on his x cheating on him...he REALLY has no business wanting you to stop bringing it up at this point!

WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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