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So... Out of the blue

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wonderingbull posted 6/24/2013 10:40 AM

Yesterday while watching golf I got a text from the ex...

She must be in AA because she sent me the 9th step request to make direct amends... I googled the phrases because I knew the writing/phrasing was not hers...

I've been NC with her for a long time and have been comfortable with it...

I want to be supportive of her efforts in sobriety but I don't need or want any apologies as I've come to acceptance of what happened and have moved on...

I showed KD the text and assured her that I'm not entertaining any thoughts of giving me and the ex a try again...

Has anyone one had their ex send the AA 9th step request to meet to make direct amends?

Right now I'm at a loss of what to reply... I believe I should reply...

My thoughts are all over the map on this thing starting out with a fishing expedition then onto I'm glad she's doing something to improve herself...

What say you? Comments? Questions?


nutmegkitty posted 6/24/2013 10:43 AM

Yes. Mine did about 2 months ago. Even called me on the phone.

I did not reply. I do not need to meet with him so he can attempt to make amends. Because he is NPD I know he is not sincere. There is NOTHING he could say to me that would change anything.

Proceed with caution is my advice.

wonderingbull posted 6/24/2013 10:48 AM

She's not NPD... The OM was a classic NPD... She definitely changed a lot because of the NPD gymnastics...

I want to think this through before making any decision...


better4me posted 6/24/2013 11:06 AM

[The Ninth step:quote]Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others[/quote].

The second part of the step applies here, I think. If you feel it would harm you to listen to her, then don't respond. If you don't think it will harm you, let her make the amends to you. You don't have to forgive her, or even accept them; she just needs to say it for her step.

I understand that you are fine without her doing this since you have already accepted what has happened. I don't think it is about you needing or wanting an apology from her, it's about her dealing with and owning the aftermath her actions have caused others.

You can be noncommittal while listening to her. An "okay, I heard you" instead of "all is forgiven" response. Maybe even a "good luck" is appropriate. If you think you can do this with minimal emotional investment, why not do it??

Sad in AZ posted 6/24/2013 11:17 AM

You owe her nothing; this is her process and you have every right to your privacy and to exclude her from your life.

Do you have an address for her? I would just send a note saying something like "I understand you need to do this for your program, but I do not need or want an apology. Good luck."

wonderingbull posted 6/24/2013 11:22 AM

If you think you can do this with minimal emotional investment, why not do it??

That's one sticking point... I don't know if I can... Although the rawness of what she did has worn off... I still scratch the scars from the wounds inflicted...

I don't know if I will ever reach the point of indifference... Everyday I get further away from the nightmare but it's like the death of my dad 36 years ago... It's always with me...

Also, I don't believe her cheating and subsequent treatment of me was related to her drinking or doing drugs...

When she started cheating she was stone cold sober... I believe her drinking more was a reaction to my response by not playing the role of "backup plan" and subsequent panic that things didn't work out as she'd imagined...


Williesmom posted 6/24/2013 11:33 AM

Yeah, she needs this. You don't.

Fuck her. sideways.

FaithFool posted 6/24/2013 11:40 AM

This ^^^^^

atsenaotie posted 6/24/2013 11:42 AM


This is about her, not you, and she is no longer a part of you. Making amends is nice if people want them and/or you are trying to reconcile a relationship (friend, relation, co-worker). You and your X are none of these things.

I would not respond.

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