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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: So... Out of the blue
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday while watching golf I got a text from the ex...

She must be in AA because she sent me the 9th step request to make direct amends... I googled the phrases because I knew the writing/phrasing was not hers...

I've been NC with her for a long time and have been comfortable with it...

I want to be supportive of her efforts in sobriety but I don't need or want any apologies as I've come to acceptance of what happened and have moved on...

I showed KD the text and assured her that I'm not entertaining any thoughts of giving me and the ex a try again...

Has anyone one had their ex send the AA 9th step request to meet to make direct amends?

Right now I'm at a loss of what to reply... I believe I should reply...

My thoughts are all over the map on this thing starting out with a fishing expedition then onto I'm glad she's doing something to improve herself...

What say you? Comments? Questions?

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6001 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Mine did about 2 months ago. Even called me on the phone.

I did not reply. I do not need to meet with him so he can attempt to make amends. Because he is NPD I know he is not sincere. There is NOTHING he could say to me that would change anything.

Proceed with caution is my advice.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2616 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's not NPD... The OM was a classic NPD... She definitely changed a lot because of the NPD gymnastics...

I want to think this through before making any decision...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6001 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[The Ninth step:quote]Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others[/quote].

The second part of the step applies here, I think. If you feel it would harm you to listen to her, then don't respond. If you don't think it will harm you, let her make the amends to you. You don't have to forgive her, or even accept them; she just needs to say it for her step.

I understand that you are fine without her doing this since you have already accepted what has happened. I don't think it is about you needing or wanting an apology from her, it's about her dealing with and owning the aftermath her actions have caused others.

You can be noncommittal while listening to her. An "okay, I heard you" instead of "all is forgiven" response. Maybe even a "good luck" is appropriate. If you think you can do this with minimal emotional investment, why not do it??


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You owe her nothing; this is her process and you have every right to your privacy and to exclude her from your life.

Do you have an address for her? I would just send a note saying something like "I understand you need to do this for your program, but I do not need or want an apology. Good luck."


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20457 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you think you can do this with minimal emotional investment, why not do it??

That's one sticking point... I don't know if I can... Although the rawness of what she did has worn off... I still scratch the scars from the wounds inflicted...

I don't know if I will ever reach the point of indifference... Everyday I get further away from the nightmare but it's like the death of my dad 36 years ago... It's always with me...

Also, I don't believe her cheating and subsequent treatment of me was related to her drinking or doing drugs...

When she started cheating she was stone cold sober... I believe her drinking more was a reaction to my response by not playing the role of "backup plan" and subsequent panic that things didn't work out as she'd imagined...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6001 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, she needs this. You don't.

Fuck her. sideways.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7826 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This ^^^^^


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17715 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wonderingbull,

This is about her, not you, and she is no longer a part of you. Making amends is nice if people want them and/or you are trying to reconcile a relationship (friend, relation, co-worker). You and your X are none of these things.

I would not respond.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4148 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 9

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