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I'm trying to let it all go...

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Stronger4it posted 6/24/2013 10:50 AM

So I am 7 months out now. WS moved out last week to a 3 month sublet. I thought we were fighting for our family but it turns out he was unable to cut her out of his life.

We have different ideas about why he left.
Him: You kicked me out of my house. We needed a break from tearing each other apart. (fights. mean ones)
Me: You left because keeping OW in his life was more important than rebuilding trust.

I thought we were in R for quite a while. He was rug sweeping and I was just happy he was tidying up. Then I found this site. WS could teach a course on rug sweeping.

I am trying desperately to do the 180. I might have to go and review.

My problem is I still obsessively creep her on twitter. And monitor when they chat (I can tell when they are online together)

I get it. He’s gone. We are separated. He can do what he wants. I can do what I want.
But I’ve kept a door open for him and a space for him. He can come back under my terms. In the end I do not think he will. Or if he does, it will be to late. Am I just looking for one final thing, or one final betrayal that will help me close the door?

Some days it’s just so damn sad. He blew up his life and DD and I are the collateral damage.

I need help with the concept “you have to be willing to lose the relationship, to save the relationship” I can’t recall the exact words. But the concept stuck with me. It’s where I am today.

I have to let go. Stop the creeping and obsessiveness. Not allow them space in my head. But how?

Jospehine85 posted 6/24/2013 10:58 AM

Being willing to lose the relationship to save the relationship refers to ending cake eating.

Your WH is cake eating. You have allowed our husband to leave you and your daughter to test out being single and having fun with OW for 3 months. You have left the door open for him to come back to you.

Basically you have told him you will sit around and be his plan B if it turns out that OW, plan A, isn't as much fun as he hoped.

How long are you willing to put your life on hold to be his back up plan?

File for divorce, today. Tell him you are unwilling to be back up plan B.

Don't be afraid of losing your WH. You already have. He has chosen Plan A over you. Remove yourself from the equations. See if that affects his decision making process.

Move on for yourself and your daughter.

You can not nice him back.

kiki1 posted 6/24/2013 11:05 AM

focus on you. I was in your position too. Took wh 6-8 months to give up his "high life". I dont know if separating was a good thing or not. I couldnt even look at him though. I'm sorry for your pain. Let him go, he'll have to man up or move on. In the meantime, take care of you and your child. hugs.

Stronger4it posted 6/24/2013 11:31 AM

WS has told DD (she's 9) that he will be back in September, that this is temporary.
True, it is a sublet.

My counsellor has cautioned me about making a decision before I'm ready.
that 3 months is a tight timeline.
And that I should take my time.

I've seen a lawyer. We are common law and different rules apply.

You are right. I'm not going to be the back up plan, or the consolation prize.

I don't need any more reasons to end it. He's given me plenty.

It just seems like such a waste.

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