SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

bestrongforyou posted 6/24/2013 11:41 AM

We are separated a few years now but one thing has been on my mind over the years and i don't think I will ever understand it as long as I live... maybe its because I can't imagine myself being like that to anyone...

It seems as if infidelity is seen as contagious and people are afraid to talk about it or even acknowledge it.

Comments as "that's life" or "every breakup is painful" or "that's unfortunate" or "what does it matter what happened, just move on" - almost nobody I ever spoken to about my story wanted to go beyond the surface, wanted to acknowledge that this in fact was miles away from a "normal" breakup - I even experienced it from other BS's IRL - even there the real understanding never set in I think.

wanttogoforward posted 6/24/2013 11:49 AM

I think the reaction you get is people feeling uncomfortable... those that have been through it and had their M survive just want to run screaming and not want to rehash the past, especially with someone they maybe aren't super close with... those who have never been through it are highly insensitive and many still think somehow it was the fault of the BS... I've heard comments like "well, if you're not getting any at home..." which to me is total BS because many people who cheat were still getting plenty at home.
Cheating is such an intimate thing... and it makes people feel weird to talk about it..... I know many who would rather have a root canal than discuss this type of thing!

Cheating is such a hurtful and painful and individual thing.... it's hard to talk about in real life because we all feel so judged.....

Jennifer99 posted 6/24/2013 12:18 PM

I think it is probably because they are cheaters too and feel like shit. But I'm cynical now adays.

libertyrocks posted 6/24/2013 12:33 PM

When I told my 85 year old grandma FWH was cheating for years, she told me to move past it for the kids..but then again she dated a married man for decades!! Nice, huh.

No one will ever have a good response unless they have been there...

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 12:47 PM

I think it's a mix of things. Being uncomfortable is one of them. One thing I notice is if people ask me and I shed a tear, they suddenly get very busy.

The hard time that I have is that some days it is stronger than others, and I simply have no small talk within me to make. I don't care if it's sunny or raining or snowing, or what team one by how much. I don't care what paper the president signed. My life as I knew it is ending and all I can think of are my problems.

I think another part is that at least in my experience, people simply do not want to get involved. So maybe passing platitudes-which I can't stand-helps them think they talked to you/us but they didn't have to delve into anything real.

I now cannot stand platitudes "You will be okay", "the sun will shine again" and on and on it goes. It is not okay now. It is not shining. What it really is, is insulting!

It makes me tend to isolate myself, and also because so many people are expressing disappointment in me that it makes me cry. I can't make anyone happy and I don't want to try. I'm selfish right now and need help.

Sorry, Be Strong, I just wanted to give my two cents and say that I know what you mean. I find it hard to deal with. Like a form of rug sweeping.

Jaded4life posted 6/24/2013 13:16 PM

I think another reason is that talking about it is a trigger. For me at least, I can't deal with my BIL affair and talking to his wife about it because its a huge trigger for me. When I went through this I talked to her quite a bit because she had gone through it a year ago. They had a relapse, I guess she found out more about the pa her husband had and was shattered all over again. I tried to be there for her like she was for me but after a few months it started setting me back and started having doubts about R. I had to step back a little. They want to come visit for a weekend and I'm having anxiety again and dreading what is in store.

I guess what I'm saying is you just don't know what other people are going through because most people keep affairs private and don't let friends or family know about it so when it comes up, you just want to get on the next topic before tears come spewing out.

Ostrich80 posted 6/24/2013 13:17 PM

I got reactions like I was over reacting..."oh you know Mr ostrich loves you, you guys have been together forever". I don't give a f**k if he thinks he loves me or not, if he thinks he does, even scarier cuz that means he has no idea what love is. It's almost like since we were one of the last couples that were still together in our group, they didn't want me to spoil what they thought was a good thing. My fam totally had my back though and supported any decision I made.

Vulcanized posted 6/24/2013 13:28 PM

I think alot of people are afraid of catching marriage problems from you.

For the most part, NOBODY wanted to talk to me (all married couples) about it. So ... I get it. No support from you folks.

I'd bet money that if any of them go through this, I'll be high on the list of people they call for help.

IrishLass518 posted 6/24/2013 13:51 PM

I think alot of people are afraid of catching marriage problems from you.

^^^THIS^^^
I always said that no one wanted to delve into what had happened or what I was going through too deeply because they were afraid that they would "catch" it. I called it the infidelity flu

tryingagain74 posted 6/24/2013 13:57 PM

You know, I always wonder if people react in this way because they don't want to appear to be judging anyone.

I guess I'm just a very biased person. If one of my loved ones or good friends is being treated poorly by his/her spouse, then I'm very judgmental about the offensive behavior. Life is all about making choices, and if you deliberately choose to hurt someone I care about, then I am more than happy to deliberately choose to judge you for being selfish, disloyal, etc.

I wish that more people were at least a little judgmental about infidelity. I don't think that our rugsweeping and/or "it's none of my business" attitudes about infidelity are at all positive or helpful.

realitybites posted 6/24/2013 13:57 PM

Unless you are talking to a family member or close friend who is well aware of the whole story (and even then its iff) most people will give you just polite answers.

People just don't or won't get involved. If someone at a social gathering told me they were just diagnosed with cancer I would try to be simpathetic but since I do not now them well I can only keep it to general conversation.

Most people just won't get too deep. Either they are uncapable of it or they don't know you well enough to get involved.

When it is a very painful subject most people just don't know how to answer.

bestrongforyou posted 6/24/2013 14:20 PM

I could understand uncomfortable but that's not it I think - I don't even know how to describe it - the look I get... as if it doesn't matter - back then I could have screamed at these people that it was important and that it did matter - who says "that's life" when someone tells them they are getting a divorce?? that person was at our wedding...

I would not even say that to a stranger

tryingagain74 posted 6/24/2013 14:24 PM

bestrong, I agree-- I have a few co-workers that I'm not close to who will often overshare the details of their personal lives, and when one told me some of the nitty-gritty about her D (not due to infidelity), my responses were more like, "Ugh. I am so sorry. I can't believe he's treating you that way."

I can't imagine telling someone "That's life" or "Guess you need to move on" if they shared something so devastating with me.

Markone posted 6/24/2013 14:27 PM

I've come to believe that unless you've been the BS, it's very hard to understand. In retrospect, going through the trauma of an A was about much more than 'losing' the spouse, but a complete undermining of my belief system and overall security with life.

I got it all - "need to move on" "is it really a big deal?" and yes "you know, you're made for each other".

uncertainone posted 6/24/2013 14:33 PM

Unless you are talking to a family member or close friend who is well aware of the whole story (and even then its iff) most people will give you just polite answers.

This. I'm uncomfortable when someone I barely knows shares very personal information of any kind. I think it's exposure to something they themselves should be protecting.

I also don't always believe what I hear and question motives. Some people of opposite sex can troll using victim bait. "Sooo mistreated. Soooo wronged". Yeah, funny thing is the truth is soooo often not even close to the story.

In my softball league one woman would tell anyone she even sat near the blow by blow. I'm sure it was terribly painful for her. People didn't want to hear about it, though. Not because they didn't understand or feel bad. Just was way tmi and tl:dr.

Josephine01 posted 6/24/2013 14:37 PM

I may be cynical, but I think that As are more accepted these days and when you talk with or to someone about it they don't see it as any worse than getting D over money etc. This is very sad. The last wedding that I went to didn't even have the "forsaking all others" in the ceremony and I was listening for that part.

Just a sad thought.

huRtZ413 posted 6/24/2013 15:00 PM

well only my WH family knows my family wouldnt be so supportive not that my IL's have his side they really dont they call me not him and they ask about me not him .

things my family would say:

"oh girl leave him"

"hes a dog, all men cheat"

" i told he he was just a man nothing special"

if i had cheated my family would be :

"oh girl ppl make mistakes"

"see you married too young"

"its cause you need to have more experiences "

"its ok you'll find someone else"

its pretty bad that my family would be ok if i were the cheater.....

as far as other its always "oh he doesnt really love you then , leave"

"once a cheater always a cheater"

bestrongforyou posted 6/24/2013 15:12 PM

In most cases I don't even get the chance to go into any detail - it's blocked straight away - mostly people I haven't seen in a while.

I think I just get frustrated sometimes - it's like this shallowness what gets me the most don't even know how to describe it - not even a raised eyebrow when you mention that your husband took a GF, left you and now has twins with her - even though you are not even divorced.

uncertainone posted 6/24/2013 15:13 PM

they don't see it as any worse than getting D over money etc

Financial infidelity is pretty devastating on its own. Know a couple whose wife's spending cost them their house.

No other people involved but husband and kids were destroyed. Looked very much the same as couples where a third party was involved.

People can do some pretty horrible things to one another that don't involve outsourcing.

Guess worse would be perception.

hopefullromantic posted 6/24/2013 16:50 PM

It's very personal, it's sexual, and it's not funny. What are people supposed to say?