"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 6/24/2013 15:01 PM

I love having SI as a resource. I would really love to hear some opinions about a particular situation that HT and I have found ourselves in. It's a bit jumbled, I apologize so thanks ahead of time if you can hang in there with me!

HT and I are personally in a pretty good place. By all measurable terms we are much better than we have ever been. Wr still have occasional downfalls, but overall we are good. That being said, what happens around us can be a bit mind boggling.

Two of HT's coworkers partnered up and started a Crossfit box. One of those coworkers signs his checks and the other is his very good friend. We ended up joining and absolutely love it! Immediately we started noticing some inappropriate behavior between the one that signs his checks and a female trainer. They are both married to other people. At first we weren't sure if we were making something out of nothing. You know, when you are a hammer everything looks like a nail (one of HT's favorite sayings). But it was obvious. The looks, the gentle fix of the collar, the occasional ass grab, sigh. Uncomfortable for sure and quite often a topic of conversation on the way home from our workout. Still, I think we both were hoping to be wrong.

One day, HT's friend tells him to look in the office. He notices that the female trainer's certificates are missing. Friend says suspicions confirmed. Apparently the next morning (HT and I were not there), paycheck signer announces at his class that he and the female trainer had developed an "inappropriate friendship". She would no longer be training there. We all know there is more to that story!

So we still train with this guy and HT still works with him. But it's awkward. It's also clear that he has no intentions of working on his M...or himself. I'm assuming the latter part but all I've ever heard about his wife is what a bitch she is so I'm pretty sure he feels justified.

Unfortunately he has no idea how his actions have caused grief peripherally. His partner (HT's friend) is getting flack at home because his wife wants him to sell his share in the gym. She worries that her husband will someday cheat on her and is the jealous sort. After finding out, I couldn't make eye contact with him (paycheck signer). HT is forced to be around him both at the gym and at work (just two days a week). Yet no one can really talk about it. HT likes his job and the gym. Not willing to give up either one because of this guy's fucked-upedness.

So to make matters worse (or more uncomfortable), the guys from HT's work all go out for a nice dinner the other night with some reps. His friend's wife is going over to another one of the wives house for a dinner and invite me to come along. Now HT's friend's wife has very clear opinions regarding infidelity. She is also very hard to read. We have hung out a few times but always with the guys there too. Other than working out I am not sure what I would have in common with her. But knowing how worried she is about her husband and how she feels about cheating I know she would hate me if she were to know about my past. If she knew I was a cheater she would not socialize with us in any way shape or form and would make her husband stop talking to HT.

That night I made an excuse not to go. I feel I need the buffer of more people. But what about the future and the possibility of more gatherings? I'm in this weird place where honesty is not the best policy for HT's sake yet I feel like a fraud.

It's a sordid tale and we aren't even the real players in this one. Yet it's affecting us because of our history.

Not sure if there is anything to do but keep going on like we have, but it's been on my mind and I am curious what others here think. How do you handle it when other people in your life are affected by infidelity and don't know about your own?

BaxtersBFF posted 6/25/2013 07:15 AM

So you feel that by not saying anything is lying? Or just that making excuses to avoid being around her is lying? Is it possible to just decline an invitation to hang out with HT's friends wife? You don't have to give a reason do you?

nomoreplease posted 6/25/2013 10:52 AM

How do you handle it when other people in your life are affected by infidelity and don't know about your own?

Maybe not the perspective you’re looking for (a BS), but I believe tactful honesty is always the best policy. You can convey a lot by using generalities and if they ask something you’re not comfortable sharing simply state that (depending on the person this may turn into a test of your ability to hold firm boundaries).

On an unrelated note, as a BS, whenever I hear something like this:

She worries that her husband will someday cheat on her and is the jealous sort.

My thought is always that there is a reason she is worried and ‘the jealous sort’. My STBXWW often said how I was ‘so jealous’ and OM’s BW was ‘so jealous’. The thing is we both had a very good reason to be. Often even if they can’t explain why, a spouse will pick up on behaviors that fit ‘dry adultery’ and respond by becoming ‘the jealous sort’ (of course this isn’t always true, so YMMV).

Sad in AZ posted 6/25/2013 11:46 AM

First of all, I really dislike enforced work friendships where you as a spouse have to befriend the other coworkers' spouses. I'll make my own friends, thank you. I can understand going out as couples, but I don't want to feel forced to socialize.

If this were not the case, would you want to be friendly with this woman? If so, could you honestly stear the conversation away from the gym debacle by saying you don't have an interest in discussing it? Even though everyone 'knows' what happened, it's still gossip, and you could take a stand above the fray by refusing to discuss it--unless you normally love to gossip (not being judgmental; when I'm with my friends, gossip is the order of the day )

In other words, could you be friendly with this woman and still honor yourself?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 6/26/2013 05:53 AM

Thanks all for your responses.

Baxter: I don't feel so much as I'm lying, just not being very authentic. I think I still struggle with the fact that I acted as a "friend" towards MOM's BW and made her think I was something I was not. I don't want to present myself as something I'm not but in the same token, it's not her business either. I interact with a lot of people that don't know but it doesn't come up in conversation. With her I feel it very well could. And I have been wondering if it is a betrayal to her to know what I do yet still be friendly towards her.

nomoreplease:

My thought is always that there is a reason she is worried and ‘the jealous sort’.

Probably not the best choice if words to describe her. It wasnt written as judgement, more as a description. There is a reason. She has had a bad experience in the past. I don't know the details, but clearly it has impacted her behavior today. Much like I am sure your experiences influence your behaviors. In the past, HT never showed a jealous bone in his body. but to outsiders today, he might appear that way. I don't think it necessarily means that she has reason to be worried. I actually used to fear that one day HT would leave me for someone else, yet I was the one who strayed.

SadinAz: a friendship with her is not enforced. I have no pressure to hang out with her and always have the right to back down. I don't feel forced to socialize. I realize that I have very strong opinions about infidelity myself that align with hers just from a different perspective. So yes, I think I could be friendly with her and still honor myself.

Friendships in general have been difficult for me since DDay. I have some acquaintances but no one I would consider a good friend. I had one work related friendship but she moved away. Even with her there was always a dance with not opening up too much about my A as HT and I have agreed to not tell people. I tend to keep myself at a bit of a distance and I am trying to figure out a healthy balance.

Thanks again,
WOES

StrongerOne posted 6/26/2013 11:51 AM

Hmm, well, I'm the BS, but I don't tell most people about the A. Only a few know, all of them people who would support me whether I had wanted to R or not, and who would be cordial to my fwh in order to support me. Or who would cut him out of their lives, cordially, if we had D.

This woman does not have any claim on you or on your history, WalkingOnEggshelz -- no *need* to know it, no *right* to know it. I don't think you have to feel bad or inauthentic about not telling her.

You would be lying or inauthentic if you were being secretive. It seems to me that you're actually being *private*.