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Should you forgive WS (by: Jada Pinkett Smith)

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2married2quit posted 6/24/2013 15:53 PM

She posted this on her facebook. She makes some really good sense here coming from a celeb.

-----------------------------------

Should I stay with a mate after she or he has cheated on me?

(This is not referring to habitual cheaters. That is a different matter.)

This is a very personal choice, and there is no right or wrong answer. If your partner is remorseful and is willing to work it out, I would suggest trying to look at it from this vantage point. My observation has been that when most people cheat, they are trying to solve a problem. They are usually in some kind of emotional trouble or confusion that they believed the cheating would relieve. What's interesting is that most of the time the cheating has nothing to do with YOU. Now the question becomes, are you willing to put all ego aside and reach for some deep compassion to try to figure out what the trouble is, and, as partners, try to solve it? Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you. This makes for a great opportunity to deepen the relationship with thorough honesty, which creates deeper respect with some serious setting of boundaries. This is also when love gets real and true and illuminates what you are made of as a couple and as individuals. Situations like these could be the windows to a deeper commitment OR... to two separate paths on the way to look for new partners. Only the unique nature of your specific relationship can be the telling factor. Is he or she worth it?

J

ajsmom posted 6/24/2013 15:57 PM

My observation has been that when most people cheat, they are trying to solve a problem.

Hmmm...'k.

I'm curious why she would even go "here."

AJ's MOM

2married2quit posted 6/24/2013 16:00 PM

I'm curious why she would even go "here."

She puts random thoughts. Last I heard (rumor) was that her and Will had an open marriage. I'm not up to date on the Hollywood stuff so what do I know?

LoveActually posted 6/24/2013 16:00 PM

I read her statement on-line as well. I was wondering if someone would post it as a topic. I liked what she said and it almost made me wonder--is she speaking from her own personal experience? Sure sounds that way to me.

LA44 posted 6/24/2013 16:00 PM

I think that is a very good response -th at perhaps she got help with - but its still right on the money (in my sitch) anyway.

redrock posted 6/24/2013 16:31 PM

t/j

I'm curious why she would even go "here."

Having watched a few of her 'red table talks', Jada seems willing to discuss all sorts of 'tough' subjects.

She certainly enabled Willow to go off on extended windbaggery at one red table talk. Willow actually made the crew reset so that she could have her say... And it was long and without much depth. But that didn't stop her mom and grandmother from acting like her preteen wanderings were wisdom filled. I just kept wondering how the crew kept from eye rolling themselves to death.

I don't really buy into her 'live as you choose, let freedom guide you' approach. In particular, her and Will's parenting seems right off the commune. But she seems 'all in' on it.

As far as her thoughts on infidelity---

if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you. This makes for a great opportunity to deepen the relationship with thorough honesty, which creates deeper respect with some serious setting of boundaries. This is also when love gets real and true and illuminates what you are made of as a couple and as individuals.

My love was real and true before I was cheated on.
And while much of what she said is true in my experience, I sure as hell wished he/we had found a more constructive way of growing as a couple.

[This message edited by redrock at 4:33 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

sodamnlost posted 6/24/2013 16:48 PM

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

This isn't true is it? If it is, I am screwed because that means WH doesn't truly love me.

uncertainone posted 6/24/2013 16:57 PM

This isn't true is it? If it is, I am screwed because that means WH doesn't truly love me.

I don't think it's true. At least in every circumstance.

The very opposite of that statement was true for me. I no longer loved my ex and damn near destroyed myself.

Each situation is so very different. Blanket platitudes are so ill fitting.

She is correct about the choice to cheat having absolutely nothing to do with the partner. Nothing.

Never understood how an affair can be considered a "great opportunity". There have been some amazing strong examples on this site and in real life who have taken the bowl of suck and risen to build something lasting and golden but I always add the silent "inspite of" not "because of" the affair.

LA44 posted 6/24/2013 17:57 PM

This makes for a great opportunity to deepen the relationship....

I guess instead of writing 'great opp', perhaps..if not now, when? (that is if R is what you want).

And yeah. As Janet A Spring writes, "the marriage can be better in spite of the A. Not because of it."

hopefullromantic posted 6/24/2013 18:02 PM

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

I believe that is true in our case. I believe that my H truly did love me, but that he had spent a lifetime honing his skills at denying many of his feelings. Witnessing my years of hurt over his betrayal has reopened his ability to feel, at least a little bit.

You can't heal what you don't feel. Right UO?

Ostrich80 posted 6/24/2013 18:39 PM

What she said is what I felt when I chose to try to R . Ws wasn't a serial cheater and as far as I knew it was his first offense. I thought it could be a way for us to "go deep" and work on some stuff, thus get closer. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way. I agree with what she said but oh boy it cuts like a knife if your wrong and ws isn't being honest and willing.

SAR681 posted 6/24/2013 20:14 PM

I think it's well said. And as far as it being a great opportunity - I also agree with her. She's not saying it's the ONLY opportunity and she's not saying it's the most desirable opportunity, but it is an opportunity nonetheless.

I'm not the type of person to say "everything happens for a reason," instead I try to take a lesson/gain something from everything that happens. Obviously our relationship had flaws. So, we we either have an opportunity to rebuild a relationship that is (hopefully) healthier or we have the opportunity to move on.

stunnedin12 posted 6/24/2013 20:37 PM

,

I sure as hell wished he/we had found a more constructive way of growing as a couple.

Amen!

Chicky posted 6/24/2013 20:39 PM

I totally agree with what she said and I like how she said it. If I didn't know better, I would think it was one of my random musings in my journal....

PrincessPeach06 posted 6/24/2013 21:17 PM

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

I believe this is true. I have never seen my H as broken as he was when he told me what happened. Even now he sobs when he talks about his feelings afterward.

Of course I want to smack him for not thinking about that BEFORE it happened. Ugh!! Still so incredibly selfish!

phillygirl posted 6/25/2013 04:22 AM

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

I believe this is true.

The key part of this statement though is IF the WS TRULY LOVES YOU. If the WS is npd, a serial cheater, emotionally stunted, etc. then this statement does not apply because the WS does not truly love you, they only love themselves. The BS is just of use to them.

lost_in_toronto posted 6/25/2013 12:09 PM

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

I actually think that I would reword this to say, ...If someone has cheated on you who is basically a good person with integrity and empathy but has temporarily lost their way, they have hurt themselves as much as you.

I believe my WS hurt himself at least as much as me, if not more, with his affair. But this would have been true whether he loved me or not. It truly shook him to his core, and it took years for him to begin working through the ramifications of his actions.

I agree with the idea of "in spite of, not because of," too. But I like the gist of what she is saying - especially the acknowledgment that the affair is now about the BS.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 12:10 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

numb&dumb posted 6/25/2013 15:18 PM

they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

This is the part I take issue with. IDK am I just dense or unable to understand because I have never cheat in my M ?

FWIW I am not discounting that a WS suffers for their choices. I just don't understand how they hurt themselves as bad as they have hurt their spouse.

are you willing to put all ego aside and reach for some deep compassion

Ego is not the same as protecting yourself from further hurt. At the end of the day it is the WS issue and they have to solve it. The BS choice is to decide if that is enough ? It seems like there is a whole lot more to it than that.

uncertainone posted 6/25/2013 15:24 PM

The key part of this statement though is IF the WS TRULY LOVES YOU. If the WS is npd, a serial cheater, emotionally stunted, etc. then this statement does not apply because the WS does not truly love you, they only love themselves. The BS is just of use to them.

I'm not NPD, a serial cheater, emotionally stunted, etc. I didn't love my ex because he wasn't worth that gift. Not even close. I obviously didn't care or respect myself either. My choices thrashed me.

My ex was certainly not "of use to me".

HUGE either/or generalization that is basically meaningless.

Sal1995 posted 6/25/2013 15:50 PM

I just don't understand how they hurt themselves as bad as they have hurt their spouse.

numb, I get that viewpoint. I just ask myself if I would trade places with my WW. And the answer is hell no. Not in a million years. And this is the worst emotional pain I've endured in my life.

But the pain, as bad as it is, isn't the result of my conscious, deliberate choices. WW and I are in the same boat - we both have to come to terms with HER choices and behavior, not mine. But at least my pain doesn't come with a heavy dose of shame, or the knowledge that I degraded myself with a lowlife who picks up married women (apparently as a lifestyle choice). I'd hate to be in her shoes right now. As bad as it is to be in my shoes right now, at least I have the knowledge that I've kept my marriage vows.

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