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inlove2013 posted 6/24/2013 16:41 PM

I have been married for 25 years and just renewed our vows and a month later he leaved me. He has been with another woman. At first I was willing to try counseling he was not. He has wanted no contact with me. We had worked at the same company, he has quit and they fired me do to all the stress. I still love him very much and my soul hurts and the pain is real. I don't feel that I am in the mental state to even find another job. His parents treat me like I have the plague and I have done nothing wrong. This all cam out of no where and I don't understand. People tell me to move on and get over it, but I cant. Our divorce is set for Aug 2nd in the courts. He wanted a sooner date and was denied, and I will not request a sooner date. There is so much history in this story I wouldn't even know where to begin. He is full of lies and hasn't been honest with me and I can say he hasn't been honest our whole marriage. How am I to get on with life when I still Love him so much and when I do see him I get the butterflies and weak knees?? I know that holding all of this is what is hurting me but I can not just turn off my feelings for him and I don't know that I ever will. Any advise would be great.

Loyalty2Liberty posted 6/24/2013 17:02 PM

This is all very raw for you. You've been blindsided after all those years.

The pain is... indescribable. Most people can't even comprihend it. But it will dull over time.

Unfortunately, all you can do at this point is go ahead, accept the lack of contact as your new reality, and try to forge a new life for yourself out of the steaming pile of ash he left you sitting in.

Speaking of what he left you, did you get a lawyer and set up your new financial life? You need that.

I'm not telling you to let go and move on. It's much too soon for that. You need to take some quiet time to process what's going on first.

The cruelty with which he treated you, just from these bare few facts you mentioned is heartbreaking. You need to understand the full weight of that.

You need to discover that it's not about you being a bad spouse, or your marriage not being good enough. It's just his crazy and stupid and brokenness that caused it, and there is nothing a person could ever to to prevent or cure these things in another person. Ever.

There is a little box in the top left corner of this page. There you will find the "healing library". click on that. It's got some good information in it.

Welcome to the best club you'll never want to join. Sorry to see you here

Take2 posted 6/24/2013 17:05 PM

So... he's been lying since the beginning... Which begs the question - Does the man you love even exist? Maybe focus on that for a bit...

For me, relationships are built upon trust. Love is interlinked with respect (mutual respect). When I discovered my X had A's going back 28 years, I had to re-evaluate everything. This man preached honor, integrity, and self-respect - but in truth - he was a hypocrite! I didn't believe him capable of lying - he was a pro at it! And trust...Psst - Gone.

As I unraveled the truth of my M, I came to release I loved a illusion - a mask presented - the real man was a liar, cheat, and deceiver. The real man is broken and though he may have deep issues - he was content to let me suffer brutally and alone when the truth came out. He let me give my all to a marriage that he wasn't ever invested in or faithful too. That man - the real man who made those decisions - I do not know, nor would I ever have loved.

Note: I didn't get to detachment over night. It took a long while to sort through it... and none of that was painless.

((inlove)) As best you can force your head into the game and tell your heart to take a backseat. (Yes, you'll have to do it over and over, but it can help get you off the floor eventually)

[This message edited by Take2 at 6:55 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 20:25 PM

I'm really sorry, InLove.

And I agree with the posts who replied.

What I found with the whole thing is that it's a process that has to happen and for me, it created a massive fog in my brain and disconnected parts of my body-my brain took in information but couldn't believe it-my ears heard it and did the same-and my heart continued on, for a long time after, in love with a man I thought I knew...but he had silently been changing over a long period of time and shut down on me, so I never, ever had a clue...until the end was near.

Even though I am learning that this man was emotionally abusive, I am having trouble letting go too. I am struggling with no contact and feeling almost withdrawal symptoms, and cannot figure out why, with all the pain, so you know there are others out there who share your agony, though at times I imagine it feels as if no one has ever felt such depths of despair before.

One thing I did was make a game with myself, in regard to no contact. I set up some kind of small reward system for x amount of time I could go and indulged myself. It was not always money or large amounts of spending, but it has really helped me go longer and longer stretches. The pride also helps.

I suspect that as you make new discoveries and reality sets in, it will be easier to sort out your feelings and realize the enormity of what cheating is and what it does to us. I think you are in a fog like I was and I felt the very same about working, even though everyone I know shoves me at it. I feel horrified to make an error and have it affect anyone.

I wish you well, I wish you peace, and some moments of clarity, both night and day.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/24/2013 22:06 PM

He is full of lies and hasn't been honest with me and I can say he hasn't been honest our whole marriage.

He doesn't deserve you honey. You are worth so much more than that. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but being alone is so much better than being manipulated and lied to..

Please try to take care of yourself. If you are having trouble eating, I recommend protein shakes. I like the Special K ones, every flavor. It's hard to think straight when you aren't eating or sleeping, so do your best to take care of the basics. You are experiencing a trauma for sure, so reach out to your doctor if you need some extra help.

Legally, you need to put your heart on the back burner and let your head do the thinking. Please get yourself a lawyer and ensure that you get everything you deserve in the divorce. It's so very hard to think straight with so many emotions running around, so get your ducks in a row and let your lawyer guide you. He will think logically for you when you are having trouble doing it for yourself. You don't want to be taken advantage of by a lying a snake, so get it in your head that he's the enemy now and that you will not bow to his wishes.. Find those bitch boots girl and wear them with pride!

I also highly recommend the healing library and that you post often. There's tons of people here that can relate to what you are going through. Huge hugs to you..

FRANK127 posted 6/25/2013 08:58 AM

I went thru the same thing that you are going thru!! But when it's over is is over !! The person you loved for so my years is gone and this new person will destroy you in court if you don't protect yourself . You need to talk to family and real friends that care about you and love you , to get thru this , be strong and move forward and make you #1!!!!!!
Good luck

inlove2013 posted 7/30/2013 16:32 PM

The big D day is close at hand 3 days and 25 years will be flushed down the drain!!!!! How am I going to get through this :( I need to be strong when we go to court on Friday I must not be weak Please LORD help me

inlove2013 posted 8/22/2013 18:38 PM

Yep still married. Have not met the state requirement of 2 yrs unless you claim adultery. Then it can be 6 months we were only separated 4 months at time of court and the only reason I went to court is because the court is the one that set the date. Was rescheduled for 9-27-13 and we either have to have an agreement or Lawyers well this girl is getting a Lawyer. He is being an ass and I will get what is rightfully mine after 25 yrs I am entitled to certain things and the judge that day kept saying that to him. The judge laughed at him he wanted an earlier date and we had not met the requirement lol. He feels that I will just give in to get it over with. I am not the one living in sin and I will make sure that I get what is mine. I have had some rough days but they are getting farther apart.

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