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How do I deal with my ex husbands fiance?????

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betrayedbymany posted 6/24/2013 17:00 PM

Well, I REALLY could use some advice here. First off, my ex husband and I have been divorced for 2 years. Weve gotten along ok for the most part when it came to our kids. Anyway, about a year ago, this woman comes into the picture. Shes latin btw, VERY strong personality. So, I have to say that she and I got off to a bad start because there have been times in the past where I was trying to get back with my ex, mainly just so I could be with my kids. He has custody, I missed my divorce hearing, and hes the one with the money. Its a long story. I do have them ever other weekend which definitely is not enough. Its very hard on my kids, especially my daughter is 5 and is really struggling with me not being around very much.

Anyway, at this point we have all sat down and talked,. It even seemed like at times we were all getting along and I thought maybe it can continue for the sake of the kids. But sadly, thats not going to be the case. This woman is SERIOUSLY CRAZY! Now, I totally understand why she didnt like me considering the past BUT it has been about 6 months since ive even texted him or called him and said that I wanted to be back with him.

This is going to stop her from dwelling on it though. If she wants to be a straight up b***h to me then fine. But thats not what she does. She will act VERY nice to me and fool me into thinking we are getting along and that shes trying for the sake of the kids.

Ok, so heres just one example. Yesterday, I went to drop my kids off at the house. She was being fairly nice. Actually before I got to the house she had called me on my phone from her cell phone number. I never had her cell number before because she didnt want me to. Actually my ex has already been blocking my number, then he changed his number, TWICE, just so he will not have to communicate with me. Honestly hes saying we are only to communicate through emails. he will not talk to me on the phone, but he will have this woman talk to me, maybe give me updates on the kids, etc.

So as ridiculous as this is, I agreed to it because I need to know how my kids are doing. And from what i can tell she is good with my kids, has 2 kids of her own too.

Anyway, back to the cell phone thing. She said I could have her cell phone number (yesterday) because she would be out applying for jobs and wouldnt be at home much. This of course means more time in daycare/after school programs for my kids but not much I can do right now. At this time I live an hour north of my kids, so that s one reason why I cant have them as much as Id like. Im working on moving down closer to them soon.

Anyway, so I thought it was very nice of her to offer to give me her cell phone number. But in an email today she told me NO I realized its not a good idea for you to have my cell phone number because you will end up calling me and texting all the time like you did with T (my ex), wont say his name.

Anyway, fine, dont give me the number , but dont offer it and then go back on it. That is one thing I cCANNOT stand. and my ex did that to me through our entire marriage, so I guess they were conspiring on it.

Both of them are just ridiculous. They even tell me that they responded to my emails and I never get any response. I can tell when shes lying with all her "umms" that she uses. My ex has always lied to me about the smallest things so I really shouldnt be surprised.

Anyway, so here I am just trying to communicate with SOMEONE over there about my kids but its just not happening. I would like to just talk to my ex instead of his psycho b***h girlfriend (unfortunately they are getting married in October!) God help me.

So I have to deal with this woman bc shes taking care of my kids all the time.I know exactly how she feels about me still because she has talked to my boyfriend (who is about the greatest guy ever by the way) and has made to tell him every little single detail about things that have happened in the PAST. She also went on to tell him that shes taking care of my kids all the time, like I should thank her for this! What really gets me is that she said that she worries about the kids when they are staying with me!

Well, ok , so sorry this post is really long. But I just really need some advice on how to deal with her. Im at a loss. Every time I try to talk to her, it always turns into an argument. It makes no difference what I say or do, if Im being nice or being a bitch. I dont know how to talk to crazy people, can someone please explain it to me?? I seriously think shes either bipolar, or it could just be the latina in here. She has made sure to let me know that its HER house and I need to ask to come in (just coming in when someone opens the door isnt good enough).

Honestly I just want some PEACE. Id like us to all get along. I was married to my ex for 12 years, and youd think he could manage to be somewhat decent and civil, but he and his girlfriend want to sit there and focus on my flaws.And lets not forget get my entire family involved in everything. He tells me to stay out of his life and then talks to my family about everything Im doing!! Its just craziness. My grandmother found out about my boyfriend before I even told her!

Anyway, so ill end this for now. Really appreciate any help from you all!!! Thanks!!

[This message edited by betrayedbymany at 11:00 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

confused615 posted 6/24/2013 17:19 PM

Honestly? I can understand why his fiancee has a problem with you. She and your ex have been together for a year..and you said it's been 6 months since you tried to get him to leave her and come back to you. 6 months isn't a lot of time at all.

The wanting to communicate only through email sounds right to me. That way all of you have proof as to what is being said.

You say they judge you based on the past and the men you have been they are judging you on your actions and the people you involve yourself with..and you're upset that she is telling your BF about your past. Why aren't YOU telling him about your past? A good relationship is based on honesty.

How do you deal with her? Is she good to your kids? If she is,then you need to learn to get along with her.

She wasn't the OW in your marriage with your ex.

You say she is "seriously crazy." How so?

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 17:22 PM

I'm sorry for your frustrations, betrayed.

Through the process I am also going through, I've learned some things that I will share.

What I have been learning is to not bother going through STBX and OW at all-no contact, as much as I can. I'd rather call the police or ambulance before I contact him and have never in my life contacted her. It would be admitting she existed.

What it sounds like (in my little bit of experience) is that they are exerting and probably enjoying some control over you. I don't want to generalize so will talk about Stbx's OW, in that she competes with me and I consider her kind of a silent enemy. She wants what I worked 20 years for and nothing on this earth will stop her.

Stbx defended her ruthlessly to me and yelled at me the one time he tricked me during false R, so I never, ever, ever discuss her and I try not to think of her.

It sounds like it would help you to spend your energy on another way to be in touch with your kids.

Life is a contest now, unfortunately and you've already been burned at the hands of both of those people. They aren't sounding like they are going to help you and in fact, I would hate to see them make things worse. For I'm learning that it can always be worse...always.

If you have a lawyer it would be my thought to ask them about your rights and about being able to be in touch with your children, if that's what you are trying to do. DD and Stbx have phone calls together during their visits and I stay out of them. We work at a routine, though he doesn't follow it properly, and I've learned the hard way that instead of trying to work with him, I keep a journal and then go to my lawyer instead when we are meeting or talking anyway.

It's really, really hard to remember that these are not the people we used to know. They are not on our side. They do not care about us. I had to be practically kicked in the head to get that, but I do now. It is not the same person, though it's a similar body/face/voice.

I don't mean to be harsh, but especially if the new person in your ExH's life has a strong personality and lies, all the more reason to back off as far as you can and set out on another course.

Ashland13 posted 6/24/2013 17:26 PM

It's not to say I don't think you should be in touch with your kids, I am trying to say maybe there is a less frustrating and painful way.

I hope it came out okay and not offensive.

Nature_Girl posted 6/24/2013 17:40 PM

Gently, your post makes you sound fairly erratic. Quite a few red flags popped up when I read it, but they were about you, not the fiance. I'm so sorry.

My best advice is for you to get some counseling. I say that sincerely. I've had two years of counseling and it's made a world of difference for me. I suspect if you had someone work with you, you'd find there's a lot less drama in your life of your own making. It would be good for your kids if you were able to even out your life.

betrayedbymany posted 6/24/2013 19:59 PM

Ok I appreciate HONESTY here but I was assuming this was a place of SUPPORT. Maybe Im completely wrong. Thank you naturegirl for your opinion. Problem is you do not know her and what I have had to deal with. I just do not like people who switch back and forth and say they want to get along and be civil and then do things to show that its the last thing they really want. I am an honest and open person. I have told my boyfriend everything about my past and vice versa. I have a better relationship with him than I ever did with my ex because he respects me and does not try to control me. But maybe youre looking at the punching in the face part. Yea, I guess that makes me crazy. Im sure no one has ever felt like that towards an ex or ex's wife/girlfriend. Yea right. What makes you crazy is if you act on it. Anyway, not sure if I should have posted on here or not. But thanks ashland for your response. As an update I did talk with my ex's girlfriend tonight for 30 minutes, was a decent conversation other than her constantly harping on the past. But I did let her know Id like us to get along for the sake of the kids and that I normally get along well with people and am very laid back. But Im not ok with people pushing me around, trying to have control over me or anything of the sort. I dealt with that for 12 years of being married to my ex husband. I have no problem staying out of my ex husbands life. I do wish he could do the same and that not everything I say or do would be relayed to my family. But, Im not going to be able to stop that. All I care about is my kids and I am going to do my best to try to be nice to her and make her feel that shes always in the right bc its the absolute only way I can get any kind of updates or anything about my kids. I can give her something, that she will respond to my emails about the kids normally but my ex will not. Anyway, guess this crazy psycho woman over here (me) will end this message now

Dark Inertia posted 6/24/2013 20:15 PM

I like your honesty. I will be honest with you: This is a forum that is filled with a lot of betrayed, single moms. Because you are a non custodial mother who was trying to get with your ex when he was already in a relationship the posts here to you may not be or seem as supportive. If you want advice on how to handle the fiance: As coolly as possible. Keep as much between you and the ex as you can. Your children will be old enough will one day THEY can make the decision to live with you. Just continue to be the best you can be for your children. Good luck.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:22 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/24/2013 20:23 PM

Believe it or not, I am trying to be supportive. I think counseling is what you need. Counseling will help you deal with the fiance and ex, as well as issues with your family.

I am struggling with the fact that you included the fiance's ethnic background as a reason for why she clashes with you. Counseling might help with that as well.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/24/2013 20:37 PM

SI is an awesome place for support. Part of that support is honesty. I've been swung at with a 2 x 4 of honesty quite a few times, and I'm thankful for every one of them. As one person's tagline reads, "I'd rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie."

People can only respond to what you post, so sometimes further clarification is needed..

What I get from your post is a lack of taking responsibility for your actions. You can not blame your actions on anyone else, unless of course a gun was pointed at your head.

If you were bringing questionable men around your children, well that one's on you. You are responsible for who you bring around your children. If you were pining for your ex 6 months ago, then I would agree your ex and his fiance have a right to distance themselves from you. I refuse to communicate with my ex any other way but email and text, and text should only be for emergencies.

Since you live an hour north of your children, I'm wondering how the fiance even knows your new man. My guess is that you have already been bringing him around your children and that's how she knows. I don't think she should be sticking her nose in your business and talking to him, but I think you should be keeping your dating life separate from your time with the children until it is fairly serious. Given that you were trying to get your ex back so recently, then I'm not sure if you have been with this guy long enough to be involving the kids.. This of course is an assumption, so I apologize if I'm mistaken..

Again, just based on what you wrote, and I'm sorry for the brutal honesty, but you sound a little needy. Given what you've put up with in the past as far as controlling men, maybe it's time to take a step back and work on yourself and get some counseling. Please know that someone suggesting counseling is not an insult. I've been in counseling for years to deal with my issues, and it's recommended here all the time to people. If you are taking offense to that, then it seems to me that you are unwilling to face your problems and issues and prefer to sweep everything under the rug. This tactic does not lead to healing. It leads to more and more unresolved issues..

Judging by your 30 minute phone call tonight, it seems to me that you have a need to be liked by your fiance and ex, but the goal here would be to have a professional relationship with them that only concerns the children. I loathe my ex and his other woman, so my hope is to have a business-like relationship with them. Friendship and being liked by them is the last thing I care about. I don't give a shit what they think about me, and I don't think you should care whether your ex and his fiance like you either.

I was with my ex for 12 years as well, and he put me through hell. But coming out of it, I have to take responsibility for my part in the relationship and the fact that I allowed him to treat me so bad for so long. That's my issue and something I'm trying to fix so that it doesn't happen again. From your post, it seems that you've been dating quite a bit since your divorce. Perhaps you have met a nice guy now, but I think you should be taking more time to work on yourself and make yourself happy before you keep looking for other people to make you happy..

I'm sorry if some of this is coming off harsh. I would like to welcome you to SI and encourage you to post often. I would hope that you appreciate the support you receive and the time people take to write to you. Not everyone's advice will be helpful to you, so take what helps and leave the rest, but I would recommend respecting people's opinions, and I don't suggest being defensive when people genuinely try to help you. We've all been crazy from time to time. It certainly comes with the territory of infidelity and divorce. And that's why the support here is so awesome. I don't see many people sugar coating their responses, and that's a good thing..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 8:40 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 6/24/2013 21:00 PM

Just another thought if I may. If your ex was so controlling, etc., then why were you trying to get him back 6 months ago? I think this is something you should think about..

I'm wondering if you have family of origin or childhood issues that could be dealt with so that you start demanding respect from your partners. Perhaps you have a need to be loved that stems from abuse or abandonment in your past. Maybe some things in your past are causing you to pick the wrong type of men or settle for less than you deserve. Maybe some things in your past are causing you to feel like you need a man in your life when sometimes it's better to take a break and some time to yourself.. This is another thing that could be explored in counseling..

Again, I'm just going off what you've posted, so I apologize again if I'm mistaken.

I was also curious about:

I do wish he could do the same and that not everything I say or do would be relayed to my family.

I think this is one of the red flags that was mentioned earlier. I like to think that my life is an open book, and anyone could see all of it if they wanted. Yes, people need to mind their own business; but if you are doing things that your family would not approve of, maybe you need to take another look at your actions and decide if there are healthier alternatives..

Edited to add: Oh, and Nature_Girl is one of the most awesome, supportive, honest people on this site. She's walking through hell, and she has made a world of difference to me by sharing her experiences and wisdom. I can't think of a time when I didn't agree with what she has posted, including on this thread..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 9:11 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

betrayedbymany posted 6/24/2013 21:07 PM

Thank you butterfly. I appreciate your honesty. I am just talking about everything being relayed. I was not trying to hide my boyfriend or anything like that from my family. I just did not even have the chance to talk to my family about him myself before my ex did. Thats just normal for him though. I always did feel like I had to keep working at getting respect from my ex husband. I was not allowed to participate in decisions while we were married. Much of the time I had to get his "permission" to do certain things. It really was not good and did cause some issues for me. I know being back with him would be the worst thing for me. The only reason i was trying to get back with him, which I think I mentioned was to have the chance to be with my kids. Being away from them has caused many issues for me and at times does make me feel a little crazy. Yes I have done counseling in the past its helpful. But in reality its expensive and very hard to find time with so many other things going on....

ButterflyGirl posted 6/24/2013 21:16 PM

Much of the time I had to get his "permission" to do certain things.

I remember that feeling. Walking on eggshells does not feel good.. Mutual respect is so very important. You can't force someone to give it to you. You can only put up your boundaries and give them the consequences if they break them. Unfortunately, the only real consequence we can give them is to leave them..

I truly understand about the kids.. It's so very hard being away from them, and lots of people stay in horrible relationships just for that reason. I can't imagine how very difficult it is for you having such limited time with your children. You didn't really say why he got custody, but maybe there are some things you could work on or do to get 50/50 time sharing in the future?

betrayedbymany posted 6/24/2013 21:53 PM

Butterfly, I think the main thing I need to do to get 50/50 timesharing is to move closer to them, so Ill be near their schools and can pick them up/drop them off...I just have to work on getting down there.. Struggling financially and its making it hard to get things done...

ButterflyGirl posted 6/24/2013 22:35 PM

Yeah, struggling financially is so tough.. I'm guessing I have a 20% chance of not filing bankruptcy after the divorce.. It really depends on how things turn out at our first court hearing next month. And if the FuckTard actually discloses all of his financial information. He's still hiding his pension plan, so I'm not sure of the specifics yet.. Guess I will have to wait and see..

I'm lucky that I have a supportive family. Maybe you have some family or friends you could reach out to that could help you out while you get on your feet? And there are quite a few people here looking to find a better job, so maybe you could start applying for that as well?

I know finances is a tough one, but it's certainly an attainable goal if you put your mind to it and really go for it

betrayedbymany posted 6/25/2013 08:46 AM

thanks butterfly. I am actually looking for work right now. Alot of times I only get temp jobs. Makes it really difficult. I often wonder if my ex was hiding money in accts at the time of our divorce, but guess Ill never know....

Heavy Sigh posted 6/25/2013 09:28 AM

Try to keep in mind that "six months" is not "the past." It's like yesterday to your ex's girlfriend.

You're doing much better than six months ago, so try not to jeopardize things over something dumb like her having second thoughts over the cell phone.

Once you've gone a year or two without the past issues happening again, she will probably give it to you without a thought. I'm concerned now that you'll get more angry over the cell issue, start blasting angry emails at her over that small issue, and you will un-do six months of progress you've made.

It's good that you chose an Internet board as a place to vent before firing off angry emails. That shows you've come a long way.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:29 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Catwoman posted 6/25/2013 10:58 AM

Admittedly, there is a lot here I do not understand, but having been divorced for a long time and dealing with the ex and him living with the OW, let me offer some pointers.

As others have suggests, six months isn't that long ago. If you were blowing up your ex's phone with texts and calls, he and his fiancée are likely to not want to make themselves vulnerable to that again. That may be the reason for the about face on phoning the fiancée. Best thing you can do is own your past behavior and model extremely good behavior from now on. Work at getting to a place of neutrality with the fiancée. If you are seething with anger and hatred at every interaction point, it shows. Trust me, it shows.

The other thing I don't understand is how you, your ex, his fiancée and your boyfriend are all so chummy that your ex feels okay telling your family about your private life.

If there is one thing I do not want my ex interfering with, it is my private social life. I take great pains to put considerable distance there. Additionally, you have young children--I would caution you to not have them overly involved with this person.

Bottom line: the situation sucks. You cannot control it. What you CAN control is you and how you react to it--something I do not see you doing here. Why did you not show up to your final hearing? Why have you invested so much energy into trying to revive something that is dead and buried? You are the only thing in this scenario you can control, and that is where I would spend my efforts. I also agree that counseling would be quite helpful for you.


homewrecked2011 posted 7/5/2013 05:00 AM


I get what you are saying.

My children are around a psycho like the one you described.

No matter what I say or do they tell the kids...and swing it around to make me sound crazy. For example: OW daughter called me and told me that my youngest son had been in a car wreck on the way home from school. I FREAKED out. Then I remembered, he RIDES the bus home. I went off on this girl (she's 17). So, they tell all these people we know including my children that I freaked out on their daughter. But they don't tell anyone WHY!!!! They told my kids that the daughter called me accidentally and that I went off on her!!!!

Ok, so, here is why some of the posters said to go to counseling. It is so that you will have another set of eyes on the situation, so that when this crazy shit happens you will deal with it calmly, and so that you can get some boundaries set up in your life. I see the XH calling your family as a serious boundary issue with your family and your XH. They are believing everything your XH tells them because of boundary issues and anything you do the XH is used to prove you are "crazy".

So,,what I suggest you do quickly to start turning the tide in your direction is to go a domestic violence center and get help for mental abuse (my payment is $1.00 per session) if that's not available, then go to Alanon, it's free. I actually did both. Also thru many churches in the country, there is something called Celebrate Recovery,, it's for anyone with any issues. I'd say your issue is having to deal with a crazy XH, and for a while being addicted to that drama. Now you want the drama to end, but you're kinda floating between staying out of the drama and staying in it because of your children.

My friend also missed her divorce hearing bc her XH told her the wrong date, and at the time she didn't know about SI, and didn't realize he was the enemy.

Good luck, keep posting here because even though it sounds like no one understands, they do, they just want you on solid footing when dealing with ur xh, It is something that takes time and alot of support.

betrayedbymany posted 8/2/2013 22:55 PM

I havent posted here in quite awhile but thanks everyone for your posts. I did read through all of them. My ex's fiance is upset with me again, as usual. This time it was because I sent her a text regarding something with the kids when they were with me and she just lost it and said please stop texting me!! I knew this would happen!! That just led to a bunch more arguments and fighting. Im honestly so sick of it. She starts in with the lecturing and arguing and I just have to tell her "im not doing this" Then I have to hear about how disrespectful im being. At this point, my boyfriend talks to her more than I do. And the whole time they are talking, its about ME . Guess I should be flattered to be the topic of conversation. lol But she just goes on about how I disrespect her when really all im trying to do is get along with her. Its honestly not working though. So she basically told my boyfriend that I am not allowed in "her house" So fine. My bf and I picked up the kids today and I didnt go inside. She was starting in with all of her lecturing, complaining about how my son was acting up after the last time that he was at our apartment and all this. Whatever. I told her we had to go .. which we did so my boyfriend could get to work. I honestly do not want to deal with her and all the drama anymore. Ive tried to be nice to her but its very hard when all she wants to do is confront me and k,eep bringing up the past. I would think shed realize by now I dont want to be with my ex anymore. For God's sake Ive told her that my boyfriend and I have talked about getting married. Actually my ex and this woman are getting married in october... so guess shes going to be around permanently. I will try to have as little contact with her as possible. ONe other thing though, my daughter keeps referring to her as "mom" I suppose thats normal, but yea its really bothering me and it actually kind of hurts me :( But I suppose I should be glad that she has a close relationship with her.. But I am her only mom, thats the way I think of it. Oh and by the way, counseling is a REALLY GOOD THING. Ive done it before. Its just a matter of being able to afford it. Which I cant... I am broke along with my boyfriend. Anyway Im going to end this for now since its really long! Thanks everyone for your responses. I do read everything and take it all to heart. SO thank you again.

betrayedbymany posted 8/2/2013 22:58 PM

I did want to mention that the only reason I was trying to get back with my ex was to be with my kids again. Thats it. Bottom line...........

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