This week (week 2 of the summer fun!) he decided that this arrangement is so unfair that I should meet him halfway and we should exchange the kids in a parking lot. First let me say that he moved about 50 mins away from the kids on his own accord to set up a little *love nest* for him and his mistress. Well the mistress had enough working brain cells to have refused that offer. That bird has now flown FAR FAR away and STBX is a lonely bitter thing taking out his anger on me.
But now taking it out on me is not enough.
I did not agree to his sudden desire to change the pick up arrangements. I have already agreed to modify our support agreement giving him $300 extra a month to care for the kids despite the fact that he will have them only 8 nights a month. He thinks that also spending more money on gas to make his decision to move far easier on him was the only way to make this "fair". Our arrangements are totally in my favor according to his warped view of life.
Because when one parent does 95% of everything child related it's totally to her advantage right?!
So to get to the point...he DEMANDED that I show up at the "halfway point" and refused to come pick the kids up who at this point are packed and waiting for him at their home (my new apartment). BTW my new apartment is a SHORTER drive than the home we own.
I called him to clarify if he was coming or not. I knew it would be an irrational mess from him but I needed to let my kids know if they could unpack and relax because he wasn't coming and his stupid texts about meeting him were beyond ridiculous. So I braced myself and made a call.
He argued that it's not fair that I have "freedom" and he has no personal life. He even repeatedly bought up that I go out with friends sometimes! He argued that he gives me "HIS" money and I have "HIS" car. He doesn't have to take the kids but he does it for me. "Our decisions" bought our relationship to this point.... blah, blah, blah the usual remorseless wayward garbage. He has never and will never be remorseful because that requires things that do not exist in him.
To sum up his rant, I just can't appreciate what a wonderful guy he has been to me and have to control everything even if that means keeping him from his kids. In his mind doing anything other than what he wants is my being controlling and now apparently it's keeping him from picking up his children and enjoying his time with them.
Everything he does and says is like seeing a real life demonstration of what I've learned about NPD. During his rants I kept bringing the topic back to the kids and refused to take the bait in every response from him. The kids were waiting for him without a clue about what kind of stupidity was going on. My repeated response was that this is for him and the kids and he needs to take and enjoy that time and keep me out of it. His response each and every time..."I know that, but(insert some unrelated offense I've done or some nonsensical reason why I should see everything he does with and for his kids as a personal gift to me)
I'm learning a lot about NPD so this extreme selfishness, redefining words like "control" and "fair, making himself out to be the mistreated victim, selective hearing and misplaced anger neither confuses nor surprises me anymore.
He finally shows up almost 3 hrs late. I guess I "won" that ridiculous standoff. But NPDs don't take a loss of control lightly and I know he is going to find some other way to act out and make me pay for daring to go against his wishes.
I'm pretty sure a big reason for his latest mantrum is that he agreed to this visitation arrangement because he knows a "good guy" spends time with his children, but he really has no desire to give up his time and make the sacrifices that entails. He also seems to think that if he doesn't have them he will be taking away my "freedom". He's trying to find a way out of it in a way that allows him to convince himself that he is still Mr. "Good Guy" anyway.
I love my babies so much and it makes me sick that the man I chose to be their father is...that. They deserve so much better. But I'm determined to make this an awesome summer for us whether they spend MOST of it with me or ALL of it with me. His miserable self is no longer a determining factor in our happiness.
[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 8:48 PM, June 24th (Monday)]
Splitting
Divorce Poison
Read them & commit them to memory. You're going to need them. Good luck!
I've already read splitting and learned a lot! I'm going to get Divorce Poison as soon as I can.
I am so sorry you have to listen to that shit.
It must be so hard to watch your sweet children go off with that monster.
Hugs!!!
FTG.. What an NPD looney tune.. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at his inability to let go of his control over you and focus on being a good dad. But that's the NPD's special power, to attempt to cause confusion and get the normal person defending themselves and feel off balance. Good for you for not taking the bait!! It's tough, but somehow we learn our own superpower of putting the shields up and diffusing their craziness..
Hugs!! Enjoy your couple days of "freedom" you terrible, horrible person you!
He doesn't have to take the kids but he does it for me
What a fuckhead.
And yes. You are going to have to *pay* for him having to come and pick them up. Just be ready for it...
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
It is seriously exhausting dealing with a NPD. ((HFOL))
I really hope you get to enjoy your 'freedom' and hope he does wake up to himself and do what's best for the kids. I do know that pigs might fly too though.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Life's good.
My XWH was angry that he was asked to take our son to his trumpet lesson during his summer visitation. He also refuses to go to our child's band performances at football games because he doesn't like football.
I have already agreed to modify our support agreement giving him $300 extra a month to care for the kids despite the fact that he will have them only 8 nights a month
You shouldn't have. All you did is reinforce his belief that he is right in this situation. As long as you cater to him, he'll keep doing this shit and treat you any way he wants.
If you want them to quit stabbing you in the back, then you need to quit handing them the knife.
Lieshurt you are absolutely right. I did it because he is DEAD BROKE (he has dug himself an EPIC crater financially in the 5 months we have been apart) and I wanted him to be able to feed and care for the kids better than he can afford to without that money.
Lesson learned. That MFer can continue to dig away and I'm going to start redefining words like he does. The first redefinition will be for "compromise". It now means "something to never attempt with STBX outside of a courtroom."
It is my belief and several counselors that his whole "other life" was a revenge thing, trying to hurt me in the most devastating way he could...well, he did.
He did like your WH is doing and complained about money for traveling to see DD and then said he didn't or tried to down play it, but it was him who decided what he was going to do-we didn't change!
And, his L was complaining about other expenses he is accruing because of leaving the marriage-again, it's consequence time for this STBX and your WH, House Full.
Happy Pants went a really long time without any and now they are falling around his head like a deck of cards being dropped in the air.
Yes, Happy Pants is trying to maximize anything I have left, which is really my cat, unborn child and clothes I'm wearing. He's taking the house and other things, trying to take away some of my fundamental rights by being alive and American, by selling it some other financial stuff and maximizing my supposed assets and minimizing his.
"Our arrangements are totally in my favor according to his warped view of life. " That's the NPD part. And I suspect it's a hopeful guilt trip?
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
-George Washington
