Dear Can't
(((hugs)))
***sorry if this is long...your post resonated with me today***
Your WH is projecting to cover the affair. To minimize it.
He is blame shifting that you drove him to this because this way he can attempt to justify his terrible conscious choices.
He is not showing remorse, he is now getting angry because he got caught.
Most WS will tell you they thought they'd never get caught and thought they could keep their two lives compartmentalized.
Don't beat yourself up over not handling the news the "right" way. We all have been there and done that. Hell, there is no play book and you did what 99% of us have done...you lost it. So completely understandable.
So, my response to:
He got VERY mad at me tonight and told me that he thinks i'm crazy
is one that I read from someone else...
"What's the matter doctor Frankenstein, you don't like the monster you created?..."
Hell yes you are crazy because you are losing your mind and heart because he just ripped it out.
You just entered the rollercoaster from hell emotionally and if he's man enough to own his behavior and work on R - he needs to realize he was just elected mayor of Crazytown. You will be an emotional wreck for sometime (sorry) and if he wants to R then he better accept this now.
And he is pissed because you went through his phone and computer? Too f'ing bad.
How about you being pissed because he went in another person?
He has lost all and any right to privacy. He doesn't get a say in what you do. Nada.
Privacy is granted to those you can trust and obviously he doesn't qualify for that list.
He is pissed that his attempts at being honest since Dday have not been received well.
He is pissed when he hasn't even been home to have an actual conversation with you? Are you kidding me? This is complete bullshit.
And I have to play Freud here for a minute...his attempts at honesty?
Huh? Why can he just be honest vs. having to attempt to be honest?
Trust absolutely NOTHING he says right now. Nothing, no matter how much your heart is breaking and you want to believe him and that he loves you.
He wants to control the situation, your response and cover his lying, manipulative ass.
he is pissed and said if i am not there on weds that he will never speak to me again.
Really? Wow. So much for remorse. How about that for a threat?
Call his bluff. Leave him a note stating you are not going to be bullied and threatened because he chose to have an affair. If he wants to have a rational, honest, transparent conversation you are happy to speak with him. However, I chose not be here because you continue to hurt and abuse me emotionally and I simply will not allow it any longer. Leave a number where he can call you.
Only proceed with speaking with him if he apologizes for what he has done and how he has treated you. If he doesn't anything you discuss will be a mute point.
Yes, you have a right to all of your questions but you can't negotiate with a terrorist and right now he is not showing you he will be honest anyway.
He needs to demonstrate some humility and remorse.
You don't have to decided anything right now, on D or R. Just say this is how I will handle today, tomorrow and go from there.
Please work on you right now. Find a good IC for you. MC comes down the line if both of you have done some hard up front work.
I understand why he ended up in an A maybe better than he does
Don't justify the affair. There is no justification for it. Marriages have trouble and hard times but an affair is NEVER the answer. This is not your fault. It was his selfish choices.
You start by standing up for yourself and not being bullied into taking responsibility for the affair.
Good luck. Keep moving. Have faith you can make it through. You can.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:59 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]