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Newest Member: drummerwife (46039)

User Topic: Struggling with single parenting
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really struggling to balance the emotional needs of my two children. My DD who is 14 months is quite high needs and always has been. She is very attached to me and quite understandably so as her father started his affair whilst I was pregnant with her.
The problem I'm struggling with is being able to give my DS the time he needs. I can't afford to put my DD into extra childcare yet I really need some one-one time with my son.
I had to bring him home early from kindergarten today as he was feeling unwell. He's been saying this for a few days now and I don't think there is anything physical wrong with him, more a case of feeling emotionally neglected. He's said he's feeling sad, something he's not said since we moved out of our broken home neatly 3 months ago. I think his patents splitting up and his sister demanding so much of my time is making him feel left out.
Any suggestions?

xWS did say that he wanted to swap custody so that he could have a weekend free and spend more time with his kids a couple of months ago, but hasn't mentioned it since. He also said he was going to take a few half days off work to have one-one time with them separately but hadn't mentioned that since either.
I did email him yesterday to remind him of this but surprise surprise he hasn't bothered to return my email.
I hate knowing that my children are suffering because of our split. :(


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
MyTurnATL
♀ 28856
Member # 28856
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know any other moms of small children? I used to have a mom's day arrangement with a friend when my children were small. Once a week she would take both my kids for a morning, and the next week I would take her two. You could adjust it so that you swapped just your DD, which would give you some one on one time with ds.

Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2010
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks MyTurnATL. I do have friends with small children but they work the days my son is not at kindergarten. My friend, who runs the nursery my DD attends has offered an extra morning for free on Thursday so that I can do something nice for my son. I feel very grateful.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
chikastuff
♀ 35288
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered putting your son in therapy? While I agree that one-on-one time with you will help, I really think he could benefit from talking through his feelings with a third party. He's dealing with a lot of change and upheaval and the feelings he's likely having (abandonment, sadness, unworthiness) in the wake of everything can imprint and affect him for the rest of his life.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THe one on one time doesn't have to be anyting big. Teslet loves it when I let him help me cook something (he's very good at making a home made pizza). Also, just sitting on the couch and watching a show he chooses with a popcorn snack or helping with a project around home (I let him 'wash' the windows ) I assume baby still takes a nap, that's a great time for a little one on one activity with your kiddo.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4835 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
FRANK127
♂ 39645
Member # 39645
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love my kids very much they are my world!! I live in a state where I have no family and don't like to leave my kids with anyone . I just had to go to court to reduce visitation because I had to take off of work 6 days a month to watch my kids !! I love bein with them but I was putting myself in a hole ( money) my ex wouldn't work with me , she is very controlling !! In three years I have never missed a day with my kids and never late with child support , she is brain washing my kids now and I am having problems with my oldest!! She has my youngest calling her bf dad !! She says I'm a bad father because I put in to see my kids less but she wants her check every month and I have bills too!!! It's not easy bein a divorced dad with no family to help !!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2013
lostmommy
♀ 33440
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you get a sitter once a week for a few hours (even if it's family) and have a "date night" with your son? You could take him along to do errands that you need to do anyway, but it would make him feel attended to since it's just you and him. Maybe even an ice cream night every once in a while.

I feel for you. It's hard enough with my one child. I can't imagine having to spread myself with more. Hang in there, mama. (((hugs))


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered a mother's helper? When my kids were that small, I "hired" an 11 year old to come over and play with them. I paid her with a little bit of cash, movie ticket, etc. It was cheap.

You could have your helper play with the 1 year old while you and your other child go somewhere else in the house to do something.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 12:51 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2819 | Registered: Jan 2010
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind suggestions.

It seems that Sunday-Tuesdays are the hardest as my DD is so clingy and doesn't sleep well. It's now Wednesday again and I'm starting to get her settled and being able to give my DD more attention.

He loves helping me with things and we've managed to make ice lollipops and buns yesterday which is good.
I think I am going to budget putting DD into nursery an extra 2 mornings per month so that I know DS and I have those mornings together for me to love bomb him.

I think he is a bit young yet, 3.5 years, to take out on an evening but that is something I can do with him when he's older.
I love the idea of getting an older child to entertain my DD, what a great idea! I will definitely look into that.

Thank you so much again SI friends, you are full of wisdom! :)


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind suggestions.

It seems that Sunday-Tuesdays are the hardest as my DD is so clingy and doesn't sleep well. It's now Wednesday again and I'm starting to get her settled and being able to give my DD more attention.

He loves helping me with things and we've managed to make ice lollipops and buns yesterday which is good.
I think I am going to budget putting DD into nursery an extra 2 mornings per month so that I know DS and I have those mornings together for me to love bomb him.

I think he is a bit young yet, 3.5 years, to take out on an evening but that is something I can do with him when he's older.
I love the idea of getting an older child to entertain my DD, what a great idea! I will definitely look into that.

Thank you so much again SI friends, you are full of wisdom! :)


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
million pieces
♀ 27539
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggled with this when my two were little. Ex was still around, but traveled for work a lot. One on one time helped my old son's behavior a TON. I didn't have the ability to do much more one on one time, but what I did was clearly label time spent together as "Mommy/DS time", mostly when my dd was napping. We did things like make cookies, craft, etc. I gave him 2-3 things to choose from so he had some control in the planning. Within a day or so, he started feeling a lot better.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1281 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Topic Posts: 11

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