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Anyone else just...."Bitter"?

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damaged71 posted 6/25/2013 07:23 AM

I am 13 months out from D-day and on the anniversary of D-day it was like a switch flipped. My FWW didn't acknowledge the day and just let it go by.

It was like I got mad that day over everything again and I haven't been able to shake it.

14 months ago I was happy go lucky and the eternal optimist. I woke up joyful every single morning. Now I wake up looking for a reason to be mad. I am a different person and I think I hate her for doing this to me.

Until I wrote the last sentence in the last paragraph I really didn't know what it was. Now I think I do...

I don't know what to do about it. Anyone on here have any advice?

Before you ask we are not in MC and I am not in IC.

HardenMyHeart posted 6/25/2013 07:47 AM

Now I wake up looking for a reason to be mad.

This is fairly normal reaction. I know I felt it at times.

You need to ask, "Who is to blame for my anger?". As long as you blame your anger on your FWW and the affair, you have taken away the power to change things yourself. Happiness is generated from within. Take the power back by being responsible for your own anger.

Anger remains for two reasons:
1. You feel the person that caused the damage has not been punished enough, and/or
2. The person that did the damage has not done enough to mitigate the damage

Which one (or both) do you think is the case? If so, ask yourself what more can be done and work towards that goal.

So sorry for what you are going through.

damaged71 posted 6/25/2013 08:03 AM

Thanks for the response. Actually I think both of your answers are correct. My FWW in my eyes has done very little to "fix" things.

I am starting to think this is all going to be a deal breaker for me. I spent 20 years building a life for us. We had finally "got there" and this happened.

I have a 4 year old son. What does this do to his life now?

Like I said...I am just bitter about it all.

2married2quit posted 6/25/2013 08:14 AM

damaged71 I'm sorry you feel that way and it is justified obviously, however if you are going to rebuild your marriage you might have to let go of all that and start fresh and new. I'm no MC, but I would think that bitterness is not helping. Maybe a self help book? Something to guide you guys towards rebuilding might help if you don't do MC.

damaged71 posted 6/25/2013 08:31 AM


I was at the place that let it all go before the 1 year anniversary. Something happened that day that clicked.

Before D-day my wife could do no wrong. Now I see her for who she really is. I told her this a while back. "Your actions erased any good will or fond memories the last 20 years have built up. Our relationship hinges on the merits of what happens today".

My wife has a great life. SAHM, limited responsibilities and so on. She literally does exactly what she wants and has the resources to do it whenever she wants. She complains incessantly about her life to me. She has done no "heavy lifting" as it relates to R. She will participate in MC if I set it up but will not make the appointment on her own. She will not read a book because she "doesn't have time".

I have a stack of books next to my bed that I have read through to try to come to terms with this. I am in the middle of "Not Just Friends" right now.

I told a friend of mine if this were a new relationship I would have ended it a while back. She isn't someone I would see building a new life with.

I liked who I was and I liked my life. I hate that she had to go and wreck it all.

Beemer posted 6/25/2013 08:46 AM

I'm right there with you Damaged... my 1st anniversary of d-day was a few weeks ago...

I agree, I'm just not the same person I was a year ago - I must admit that my WH is doing everything right - but sometimes that's still not enough... I'm really starting to wonder if maybe this is a deal-breaker for me too

SoVerySadNow posted 6/25/2013 09:27 AM

Anger remains for two reasons:
1. You feel the person that caused the damage has not been punished enough, and/or
2. The person that did the damage has not done enough to mitigate the damage

For myself, I think there is a third:
WH as not shown enough consistent change in his behavior yet. We aren't to the one year mark since dd, but anger is currently a major factor for me.

toomanyregrets posted 6/25/2013 09:34 AM

I guess it comes in stages.
Suprised, sad, angry, bitter and in my case, indifferent.
At this point, I couldn't care less.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 9:45 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 6/25/2013 09:57 AM

WH as not shown enough consistent change in his behavior yet.

From my point of view, expecting someone to change would be part of mitigating the damage.

Heavy Sigh posted 6/25/2013 09:59 AM

This is an unscientific observation from someone who has read marriage boards for 10 years. Reading these boards became my unofficial hobby after my long-ago D-Day - I took a break for several years but decided to come back and help, having that view from a distance.

Males and females tend to go through the recovery cycles differently. What you are going through is kind of normal timing for a male WS. A female WS in reconciliation tends to ask herself these questions earlier in the process; maybe at fifth to seventh month marker.

First, the female BS. Many (not all) female BS react in shock, self-blame and grief, and fear of loss on D-Day, and some try to be perfect Stepfords the first few weeks in between crying. Self-blame starts depression in outlook, that you are also experiencing now. Uncovering more deceptions (Trickle truth) usually starts the realization of a female BS into resenting that the male WS's actions have turned her into a less fun, more neglectful mother, disinterested cook, poor housekeeper, and bad friend, co-worker or daughter. Why she knows this is that people are not reluctant to tell women all of these things and call women out on it, not knowing the situation. Even knowing it, some "friends' or family will bitch at her for "failure" in these roles.

Women are judged on these things by society so harshly and so frequently that people will question and criticize her for not calling mom that week, not making dinner more than once that week or not making her famous cupcakes for kindergarten picnic and instead bringing chips. So she begins to resent the male WS fairly early in the process, even when trying to hold onto the marriage. It's a push away-pull closer problem.

Guys are less frequently judged for not buying a co-worker birthday card, for bringing chips instead of a homemade cake to a party or not calling his parents every week, and being a no-show at friends' Tupperware parties. So it takes a while before it's pointed out to him, or he noticed himself, how he's changed because of his BS status.

So males have reactions similar to female BS'es, but just in a different order of the process.

Male BS'es react first in shock, grief just as females do, and then they go into adrenaline action-based overload pushing back the inner questions while dealing with territorial protection at first. The instinct is to "win" and take control, similar to the male alpha lion that chases away other male lions. It's not a bad thing to protect and take action. It's what male mammals have done since cavemen - instinctively protect territory.

You've been so busy keep all under control - like a soldier walking a parameter to protect all, or like a firefighter battling a blaze to exhaustion, that you've have no energy left to wonder if maybe that structure should just burn itself down, to let go the protection.

I'm just telling you this is a normal phase and timing. If marriage gets better, you won't feel this changed and depressed forever. So it's time to question your wife not about affair, but how she sees life. Ask your WS directly why her life is so awful as a SAHM with money to burn and some freedom (kid school hours?).

If her affair came through depression, then maybe she feels useless and having no purpose as kids get older? Some creative or volunteer outlet to give her a new purpose might be an option?

If she's just a materialistic selfish human being, in a "Housewives of Beverly Hills/New York" kind of self-absorbed way, then that's an entirely different matter. Then you need to have a world-view discussion, and why you think that's not your value system and ask her why it's hers.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 10:17 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

DoneWithLove posted 6/25/2013 12:47 PM

Id say go to MC asap and hammer this thing out. If it makes or breaks your M depends on how the two of you decide to handle this obstacle. If she is still 100% about you and you her, youll be ok as long as you don't loose sight of what really matters to you, both as a couple and individually. Good luck

damaged71 posted 6/25/2013 15:20 PM

At this point if my wife in interested in staying married to me she will put forth some effort. I will make it abundantly clear that things are "going south" for me. If she is indifferent nothing will change. If she isn't she won't put it all off on me to fix something I didn't break in the first place.

I feel like she might be indifferent to us but it's a pretty good environment to be in so she isn't going to leave if she doesn't have to.

I don't really feel like she is in love with me anymore. I could be wrong but I don't feel I am. I guess the next few weeks will tell all.

I never thought I would be here and I hate the fact that I had no choice in the matter.

DoneWithLove posted 6/25/2013 17:27 PM

Well my advice, stock up on any evidence that makes you look good. Just in case this ends in divorce, you probably don't want her getting anymore then what she's entitled to, if anything at all. Keep track of your money (expenses, deposits, withdraws), put trackers on her vehicle and phone (to prove what she does or doesn't do when your not with her) and maybe even place hidden cameras around your house. Do whatever you need to because if shes willing to leach off you for this long, she probably wont leave without a fight. If ive learned anything, its to go with what your instincts are telling you. Your not feeling like this for nothing. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 5:28 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

1985 posted 6/25/2013 17:40 PM

I have read your posts and here is my view.
The first 6 months after DDay are a panic filled, emotion choked hurricane. You have been blindsided by the last thing in the world you ever thought would happen to you; betrayed in the worst way possible by the person you loved and trusted more than anyone. And so you are scrambling and grasping and trying to just hold yourself together enough to get to work and keep your work performance up and put on a good face of friends and your kid. And you are emotionally and physically drained.
During those 6 months your WW is, perhaps trying to comfort you some; perhaps be supportive and hoping she can save herself from the consequences of her actions.
Now you enter the 2nd 6 months. You have pulled yourself together enough that you are calmer. The immediate emergency is over . Te tornado has passed. And now you start to more closely look at and analyze the destruction that has been left behind. You now more closely analyze exactly what all your WW did do. Ad you start fully comprehending all that has been taken from you; all that you have lost and can never get back; all that was supposed to be so special just between you and her that is gone forever.
And as you work thru that, you start moving to an understanding that you either D or you start putting it behind you and start rebuilding.
It sounds like you started rebuilding. Coming to terms with: it happened and can't be changed so move on.
And you started reaching a point of calm
It also sounds like your WW, like many others, wants everything to be gone. Poof. Lets forget it about it.
The problem is that you still have a lot of anger inside. And you still have a sense of loss. And she wants to just be the way you were before and not talk about it; act as if it never happened. And THAT unleashes all of the anger still in you.
The problem is that 1 year isn't enough for you to be totally healed. A lot better, yes. But you need to expect the occasional setback whether that is an episode of mind movies or of intense anger or an intense feeling of loss. Don't get down on yourself. And don't give up on the M because of such an event.
It gets better. The relapses decrease in both ferocity and frequency.
Two suggestions.
When one hits you, start focussing on mentally reliving enjoyable times you and she have had in the last year. And keep reliving them until the anger fades. Or start mentally constructing some activity or vacation you and she can do that you will love and keep at it until anger fades.
2nd tell her her work isn't done. Tell her it's not ending because a year has passed. And tell her specifically what you need from her. If she won't do it then maybe D is the only option. But if she will follow thru, that will also help you a lot.
Look in Wayward forum for the post " what every WS needs to know" or something like that by HUFI-PUFI. Print it and have her read it. That should help her understand what she must do and that this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Peace to you

catlover50 posted 6/25/2013 18:06 PM

So damaged, I've been thinking of you. I too, was happily married for over twenty years prior to Ddays #1 and 2. My fWH had no "reason" to cheat and doesn't profess one; it was all about his issues. Fortunately, he IS doing the hard work, taking full responsibility and doing everything possible, so I am in a different boat then you; I would have a really hard time in that boat.

But, looking back, I realize that things were not perfect in our M. I did know that my H was selfish and at times moody and withdrawn. I did realize that I didn't always feel adored by him or feel a deep connection. I always had to do the "work" of the relationship, make the dates, talk to him about spending time with me. I discovered that he did have a "secret" and it wasn't just the LTA. It was his CSA, which affected his whole life and our whole relationship. I had been "happy" because it was my nature, and he was doing the best he could, but I did not realize the reality that I was living, and in some ways he didn't either.

So, looking back, I now know that he had a hole inside him, suffered from intermittent depression, and was in some ways living a lie. That's not what I want for the man I love. I am glad that the truth has finally come out.

My long winded point is that perhaps your wife wasn't who you thought either. Maybe her A was a symptom of some other issues. And unless she is willing to work on them you may not be willing to live with the reality of who she "truly" is.

I wish you luck.

shatter-ed posted 6/26/2013 03:48 AM

Yes I do feel bitter and I really don't want to feel like this, I hate it!

His A changed me, I simply cannot be the same, I miss being happy and feeling 100% 'safe'.

Don't get me wrong he was the perfect (well nearly) remorseful WH and I don't think he will ever do it again, he is mortified by then pain he has caused me, BUT I can never feel 100% safe again and I miss that feeling soo much. When I look at myself in the mirror I just see a deeply sad person, I smile but it looks so false. I look so empty.

Part of my problem though is that I no longer trust MY judgement

Take the power back by being responsible for your own anger.

I am now more angry at myself for trusting soo much. There were red flags but I trusted him, he had never given me any reason not to.

However as I said he has done a lot of work on himself, but I have just had my 4th DDay anniversary and it still stings,he knows that and him not acknowledging that day would have flipped me out.

1 year is still very early on I feel and I totally agree with Heavy Sigh in that men and women deal with this differently and in a different order. Also for me things- probably more common to women as they talk about 'everything' - still trigger me and make me angry at him. Just yesterday 2 friends (who don't know of WH's A, I don't think unless they were fishing? hmm???) were talking about a work colleague who's H had an A and how that would be a dealbreaker for them. Of course 4 years ago I would have vehemently agreed, now I just look like a dumb ass with no opinion cos I can't say anything cos I have stayed. Told WH and pointed out he doesnt have to deal with this sitch cos he is a man and I can't imagine a group of men having that kind of convo?

All I can say is that IMO you need to keep talking to her about how you feel and what you need, lack of communication will get you nowhere. Are you against IC/MC ? It may help if you cannot communicate by yourselves?

damaged71 posted 6/26/2013 07:42 AM

Talked to my wife for a few hours last night and again this morning.

We discussed the future and she said we will be married forever. She asked if I agreed and I said I didn't know. She wondered why I said that since in her words "you are always so certain and driven about everything". I told her because "there was more to this equation than just me".
I told her "You are a part of this and I can't control that". She said "I love you and I want to be married to you forever".

I told her "you do realize you told me the same things while you were making plans with him to leave me, right"? I let her know that I didn't trust her, still. I reminded her of some of the things that she said as far out as D-day + 6 months. She truly has little recollection of saying some of those things. She kept insisting that she was telling the truth. I told her in the past she lied with the skill of a sociopath. She damaged the trust I had in her and right now honestly I don't trust her. She didn't really have much to say other than she was sorry.

I almost think that "her version" of what happened is not as bad as what really happened. She honestly doesn't remember a lot of stuff that happened. I truly believe she doesn't remember. I think that might be why she thinks this isn't as big a deal as I do. I'm not sure.

I let her know that the future is not certain and nothing is carved in stone.

I know that I could defeat the way I feel with exercise and everything else. I KNOW I could, but at this point I think that would just be suppressing it and it would show up again later in a bigger way.

My wife acting like nothing happened and the situation is normal isn't helping. It's not normal and it never will be.

I know if she could go back in time and change things she would. I think I am still mad at the fact that she went forward with what she did with ZERO regard for how it might effect me. The simple fact that she never thought "hmmmm....let me google this and see just how badly I am going to destroy the man that i've been married to for the last 19 years". I wasn't even worth a google search and a few minutes of reading?

The other thing I am still mad about is how much work I have put into my marriage and my life with my wife.

The day we got married I quit drinking alcohol. I didn't have a problem but I didn't want to take a chance that anything would get in the way of our marriage. I gave up all my hobbies and just hung out with my wife. I gave up everything to build a better life for us. EVERYTHING. I have worked to rise above my station in life. I have done VERY well. Work required a lot of travel of me for a few months and BAM..... I come home to that. The other thing that I get to think about was 2 weeks before D-day I got into an accident. One that could have killed me. I was in the hospital for a bit.

My life insurance pays good enough to set someone up for life. When I was laying in the hospital, what did my wife really want? I have confronted her with this and she protests with innocence. I'll never know.

Sorry for the rant but,...I'm still bitter.

DoneWithLove posted 6/26/2013 12:14 PM

Sorry about what I posted before, it was bold of me and negative. I think that you should ask all the questions you need answered. If what she says is true she will willing do whatever it takes to keep you and save your M. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 12:15 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

damaged71 posted 6/26/2013 16:04 PM

DWL now worries. Trust me I get it.

I just had another thought. This is really almost a logical equation.

So I potentially have 4 more years of dealing with this until I am "over" it. After that if it works I have the rest of my life to live with my wife.

I have to decide a few things.

1. Do I want to do this for 4 more years?

2. If I divorce her will the healing time, for me, be shorter than 4 years?

3. If I choose #1 is it worth the 4 years of misery I went through to have a relationship going forward?

If I am not really happy with the relationship as it stands right now why would I go through 4 more years of this just to have the same relationship that I am currently not happy with?

When things were good with my wife they were unbelievable. I personally never think they will ever be like that again and have expressed as much to my wife.

I think I am finally starting to think clearly and it's not going where I thought it would. I want to be selfish for a change.

womaninflux posted 6/27/2013 07:58 AM

This website for meditations (you download them onto your music playing device) REALLY helped me. Lots of different topics are covered - Anger, Forgiveness, Healing a Broken Heart, Anxiety, etc. Check it out...

Also, have you tried yoga? That has really helped me in all aspects of my life - patience, physical stamina/health/weight control, stress relief.

Is it possible the wave of bitterness you feel was triggered by the anniversary? And - not saying this is right - but OF COURSE the WS is going to not acknowledge the D-Day. They are trying to avoid bringing it up/reliving it/think they are doing you a favor by not forcing you to relive it. I would not the lack of acknowledgement so personally.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:04 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

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